GTFO

Chap 35: Let Go

Renjun's POV

"Ew, no. Where did you even get these ideas from?"

"But, you said-"

"I just feel very lonely looking at them being all couple-like. I want to do that with someone too." I felt my eyes watering out the emotions I had built up the past 2 months.

"Uh.. do you want tissues..?" He asked awkwardly, probably inexperienced in handling such situations.

I ignored his stupid question and went on with pouring out my pathetic feelings after wiping my eyes with my sleeves.

"Mr. Cha, I'm scared. I don't know what to do. I don't want to be alone anymore. It's scary to feel like you'll be alone forever. Everyone has a second half except for me."

"But, what about your crush?"

"He has Jisung."

"Are they going out?"

"I don't know, but, the guy I like, Chenle, really likes him, he's always talking about him and it really hurts to hear the sweet things he says about him. I just wish it was me he was talking about with so much love."

"Does Jisung know about Chenle liking him?"

"I don't know, but I don't want to give him up. Can you tell me how to block out these feelings for him? It hurts me more and more seeing them together."

"Blocking out your feelings isn't easy.."

"I know. I've been trying for so long.. It hurts every day knowing I have no chance with him. Every time I leave my feelings behind to move on, I see him and I'm back to square one in my attempt to forget my feelings."

"Why do you like Chenle?"

"Well, he's always so cheerful and so sweet, and he brightens up my shitty days. He's so adorable and my mind is flooded with him 24/7. Heck, his presence is good enough to make my heart flutter like crazy."

"Oh.. you really developed a lot of feelings towards him in 2 months."

"Yeah.. I don't even remember when they got this strong. His gentle hold must have sparked up the way I feel towards him." I let out a shaky sigh and turned away to face forward.
"You know, I used to have crazy bad panic attacks when I was younger. It would feel like someone was constantly choking me and my hands would shake so hard I couldn't even pick up a pencil."
I shuddered at the memory and placed my head on the counter with my face resting on arms and faced Mr. Cha's direction.

I took a deep breath to calm myself down before continuing, "Horrifying thoughts would fill up my head and it actually felt like the world was crumbling around me and I was nearing death. If I was alone, it was easier to stop the attack, but if I was in public, none of my methods to stop it would work. I was doing quite well for a few weeks after joining, without any panic attacks."

I lifted my head up from the counter, still facing his direction.
"But, one day, my dad called. He told me that we lost my mom for good. That's when my panic attacks started again and were so strong and frequent that it would take me a few hours just to control them."

My breathing had gotten heavier and shakier as I struggled to get my words out while still keeping my tears in.
"The next day, I had to go to my classes and to no surprise, my attack started during the second lesson. I barely knew anyone there and I didn't dare to ask for anyone's help, but it was pretty visible what I was going through since I was literally gasping for air and going in a full panic-mode. I tried to be as quiet as I could so that I would not attract any attention. I didn't want that. The worst part is that it happened during free-period, so there was no teacher. I felt like I was going to pass out when someone, Chenle, had grabbed my hand. It was scary at that moment. He had faced me and grabbed my other hand to whisper comforting words and asked me to focus on his eyes. His voice and his touch were strangely comforting and calmed me down quicker than usual."

My voice softened and I saw Mr. Cha hesitating on placing his hand on my shoulder from my peripheral vision as I turned to face forward.
"From then onwards, he would always help me out during attacks and so we became friends. Every time he would comfort me, I found myself falling deeper and deeper for him. I only realised how strong my feelings for him were 2 months ago. When Jisung came into his life and stole him away."

I looked back down at my reflection on the counter and wiped away the tears brimming up my eyes once again with trembling hands.

"Mr. Cha, am I really that bad of a person to deserve this?"

He seemed surprised by the question, but, quickly answered, "Truthfully, no."

"Then, why is life fucking me over like this? I really have no clue what to do. I want to let go of my feelings but, I just can't. I should just give up, I'm hopeless. Besides, Chenle and Jisung make a cute.. couple."
I leaned my head back onto the counter, but this time facing downwards to hide away the bitter expressions I was making.

"Don't lose hope, already. You didn't even ask him about his feelings towards you."

"What's the point? I'll be rejected so quickly seeing how whipped he is for Jisung."

"Then, what are you planning to do?"

"I don't know, anymore. I'll just try to avoid them, especially Chenle. I might actually cry if I see him again."

I heard him sigh and place his hand on my head. "I'll let you be excused from lessons for the next week. I guess this is equivalent to you loosing someone, and I don't want to you to go through the panic attacks in public, especially in this state." I felt his fingers running through my hair and it eased a bit of my nerves.

"You really do have the touch of a mother-"

"I won't hesitate to whoop your ass like a mother, too."

"Mr. Cha, you were so nice a second ago, who hurt you?"

"Your words really get on my nerves sometimes, and stop calling me that outside of school, it's weird."

"The hell do I call you then? Eunwoo?"

"Yah! Show some respect, I'm older than you." He yanked my ear up as I winced.

"Ow, ow, okay, okay. Hyung? Honestly, how old even are you? You look like you're not even an adult, yet."

"For your information, I'm 21. I'm very much an adult."

"21?! How the fuck are you a principal at 21?"

"I have connections."

"Oh my god, you bribed people? Mr. Cha, you're an illegal principal-"

"No, I'm not. And I graduated strictly based on skills, no bribery involved."

"Don't you need like 10 years of experience in teaching to be the principal?"

"Okay, maybe there was some bribery involved- but, in my defence, my dad wanted me to get the highest paying job in this field and wasted no time in pulling some strings. I wouldn't have minded the long route of being a teacher before being a principal."

"How rich even is your family, what the fuck?"

He shrugged and got up from his seat as I sat back upright.

"Let's go back, Jaemin and Jeno are waiting for us and must be worried about you."

Nodding my head, I got up to follow behind him with heavy footsteps.

"Hyung, thank you." My voice was barely audible, but he had heard it nonetheless. Smiling, he patted my head and walked ahead.

"Don't mention it."

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Thanks for reading ❤❤❤

I suck at writing drama cuz there are too many feels involved and Idk how to comfort upset people so I end up just doing nothing when someone is actually crying or some shit like goddaeng did jisoos forget to add that ability to my inventory???