UGLY ✔

8: Dear Diary

Author's Note: Kiara is writing on a blue page. :)

Date: 17. 08. 2018

Blue.

The colour of gelid, the colour of inertia. Also, the colour of pain, a chilly kind of pain. A sort of pain, which makes one's mind numb and body frozen.

Wait a minute, am I seeing colours in pain? What's wrong with me?!

Why am I writing this on the first place?

Oh right! I felt pathetic and the bitter truth stung me like always and here I am! Letting my ferociousness out, on a diary.

I love blue, because it reminds me of my momma.

The turquoise colour of her aquamarine stone connects me with her. It feels surreal. Whenever I hold it, it feels like she is here. With me.

Just like she had promised.

Her words play in my mind when I hold it.

I remember her face, every details and every contour. Her loving smile still plays in my mind. Whenever I close my eyes, I see her. Her encouraging and kind smile gives me strength. It's all because of that stone.

That stone is a siren to my heart, a mute orchestra to my ears and an ethereal sight to my eyes. It's like a magic wand, not letting me forget about about my momma.

When I was younger, people used to call me names. (They still do, nothing new.) My classmates used to avoid me because I was fat. Whenever I'd enter a class, they'd immediately fill the empty sit beside them with their bags.

They'd call me pigs, weirdo, shitface and other stuff.

I guess the fact that I'm a human never crossed their minds.

My dad used to despise me.

He was a ruthless businessman who'd have done anything to get his hands on a good deal.

He always wanted a beautiful daughter.

A daughter, whom he could marry off to a nice, rich ass. And, of course, bag himself a nice deal.

But, I guess, I didn't fill the criteria.

I don't like to cry, because I don't want to show my weakness. And I look like an ugly animal if I do, so crying publicly was never an option.

When I read about the ugly duckling in kindergarten, I used to believe that one day I'll turn beautiful, just how the duckling did. But guess what? That one day never came.

Other people used to give my momma looks full of pity. I didn't understand the meaning of this particular look. Whenever, I'd ask her about it, she'd only give me a sad smile and say- "My little fairy, you are beautiful, always, just remember that."

My mom, my beautiful mom, would always make me believe that I'm beautiful. A downright lie.

In middle school, I had a serious crush on a boy. Tyler was a playboy. But he was nice to me.

Or so I thought.

I used to do his homeworks and he always bought me chocolates. One day, he made me drunk and in my drunken state, I confessed my love for him. (I didn't love him)

He laughed about it on my face, saying- "Sweet Kiara, fit yourself into a mirror first!"

His friends were surrounding me and they were recording the whole encounter with barely contained humour.

The next day, the video of me confessing my love for Tyler was in every single phone. They were laughing, mocking, taunting and some just gave me the looks of pity.

Why are they so judgemental? Just why?

Why can't they accept me as I am?

It's not like I chose to be like this.

Trust me, if I could change my looks, I would.

My father once told me- "You are a fucking burden! An ugly little burden!"

Burden.

That's all I ever was.

The only person who loved me, is no more.

And, I hardly think someone will love me again.

I cannot be loved, no.

Why?

Because, they don't love ugly people. Humans are fond of esthetics.

Will I die alone as well?

I've always wanted a friend and after a long time I've found one.

Stephanie is an awesome girl! She is also the first girl who kinda' complimented me.

There was a time when I was willing to spend thousands of dollars for changing my looks. With that thought in my mind, I saved a lot of money.

But the thought doesn't appeal to me anymore.

I have everything now, the funds, the timing but....

I'm just tired.

What's the point of thinking something which only develops my insecurities?

It's not like my fairy godmother's gonna appear outta thin air and bam! I will turn into a beautiful lady.

Sometimes, I feel like breaking each and every mirror I come across with. So that, they wouldn't remind me of my deficiency.

I am beautiful in my imagination. In my fantasies, I have alabaster skin, an hourglass figure. I don't have my braces or glasses. People are accepting me, befriending me.

Maybe, these dreams won't come true. Maybe, I will remain trapped in this opaque for forever. I won't be rescued, because there's no knight in shining armour.

When I think about myself, my whole life plays in front of my eyes like a silent film. Those images, voices, they haunt me, tease me, mock me to the point when I can't take it anymore.

Those memories are like a vexation, a silent siren blasting in my head.

Oh shit! I haven't noticed when I've started crying. I guess I really am pathetic. :(

But, within this abyss of chaos, something feels.... changed.

I have a feeling all of this will be coming to an end, very soon.

It's silly of me, I know, but it's just an intimation.

I really hope that these will come to an end. I really do.

Hope.....

A small but heavy word, the word that encourages me to live on.

Like a normal human being.

So, after a looooong time [😞]. Let me know if you liked this chapter. Vote, comment and share! Stay beautiful and Love y'all.💗💗

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