Kai’s front door slams shut behind me, and I stand there in shock. My feet feel like lead and my head is reeling. What’s going on? I’m having a tough time processing what has just happened, how could something like this happen? Our relationship thrown out the window over a freaking hug. What’s wrong with hugging another person? I suddenly feel suffocated, like the world is too small and everything is just too close to me, so I start running. My feet carry me away. I don’t know where I’m going – anywhere but here is fine with me. It would have been even more dramatic had I had good endurance and stamina, but as reality would have it, I’m unfit and never go running. After 3 minutes of running, I feel like I’m going to collapse. I see a patch of grass and walk to it. My breathing is deep and labored, my lungs feel like they’re on fire. It’s better than feeling heart ache.
I’ve recovered slightly from my exhaustion, and when I look around, revelation hits me like a tonne of bricks. I’m on the grassy hill where I had so many good memories with Kai, and now my heart feels like it’s been squeezed and whatever is squeezing won’t let go. I hit the grass by my side in frustration, and I don’t even bother holding back the tears.
Why?! Why?! Why?! I can’t understand why this is happening! I thought Kai would understand, that he isn’t some psycho who loses it if his girlfriend just hugs someone else. There isn’t anything wrong with that! But then guilt drives a knife into my gut. There may not have been anything wrong with hugging his friend, but I enjoyed it more than I should have. It serves me right that I got dumped. Kai deserves someone better. My eyes sting when I blink, and I realize I’m still crying. This is stupid! I don’t regret it! But I do. I’m feeding myself lies, trying to make myself believe that Kai was over reacting. Maybe he’s right. I probably am a skank. Who else would enjoy the touch of other males not her own? It hurts to think that we’re over. I won’t see his smile, I won’t have a lunch buddy, I won’t get to hug him anymore.
You can hug Luhan.
Why is Luhan in my head all the time?! Get out! It’s because of you that Kai’s mad. More tears drip down my cheeks, and I wipe them away furiously. I refuse to be thinking of Luhan at a time like this. He’s invaded my head and I just want him gone! This is so frustrating! I don’t even understand if I’m angry or sad anymore.
“Uh, miss, are you ok?” A voice suddenly startles me. Oh s***. I don’t want to be seen like this. My eyes sting and they’re more than likely swollen and very red.
“Uhm,” I don’t even have control of my voice. It comes out sounding ridiculous, “Uhm, I-I’d like to be l-l-left al-alone please.” My voice breaks when I speak, and I keep stuttering. It’s hard to breathe and cry at the same time.
“TJ? Is that you?” I look up, and oh my god it’s Luhan. Please leave me alone! He approaches the kind stranger, and tells him he knows me. The stranger nods, throws me a concerned look and then goes on his way.
“TJ, what’s wrong?”
It seems I suddenly know how I feel. I’m mad. I need to hit something. It’s all Luhan’s fault!
“It’s because of you this is happening! You ass twat!” I scream at him. The tears won’t stop, but now I’m just so so angry. I can’t even explain it.
“TJ! Stop! What’s wrong?!” I storm off, heading towards my house. I don’t even want to know pf his existence at this moment.
My anger fills my head, and it blocks out everything. All I see is red, and I can only hear my breathing and sobbing. A soft hand grabs my wrist, and I whirl around. I know who grabbed me.
“LEAVE. ME. ALONE!” My hands hit his chest and push him backwards. “PLEASE! PLEASE! PLEASE!” I keep hitting him, letting out all my feelings. But he grabs my fists, and forces me to stop.
“TJ! TJ! TJ, stop! Stop it!” He wrestles with my fists, and finally I stop. I’m panting for breath, my vision is blurry, but I’m still angry. I can’t contain this anymore. I sink to the concrete and start to scream. I don’t care anymore, at this point. I just want Kai back.
My voice grows hoarse after a few minutes, and I stop screaming. Only sobs are escaping, now.
“TJ, look at me. Look at me!” Luhan puts his hand on my chin and forces me to look at him. Except I can’t see much past my pathetic tears.
“Get up. It’s going to be okay.” His voice softens, and he hugs me. It’s this damn hugging of his that made this happen in the first place. I rip myself from his grasp, get up and start running. I need to go home. I need to get away from him. I may only be able to run short distances, but it’s not like my house is far. I reach my house, out of breath again, my lungs on fire, my eyes feeling like they had been stung by bees and my legs feeling like jelly.
I fumble with my keys and finally manage to get inside. My head is still in a mess, but all I know is that I seriously am in need of a bath. I run the bath, and sink in. Absolutely exhausted. I don’t want to think about anything. I’m tired, I’m hurting, I’m sleepy. The hot water slowly rejuvenates me, and the scent of the soap is calming. I feel myself drifting off to sleep and I let myself go.
I wake up, and the water is starting to go cold. My eyes don’t feel as horrible, but I still hurt. I don’t even know what’s hurting. It’s just everything at this point. I get out of the bath, and dry myself. I change into a large jumper and track pants. Looking at the clock, I was only in the bath for about half an hour, since it’s only 6. I walk towards the kitchen when the doorbell suddenly rings. I groan. I’m not in the mood for company. It probably isn’t even anyone important. They’ll go away. So I continue on my way to the kitchen. The bell is persistent, and it’s getting on all my nerves. I guess I have to go get it. I open the door, and it’s Luhan.
