I’m awake, but I don’t want to be. I want to lie in bed and do nothing. But I can’t do that. I need to get my work done, too. Exams are in two weeks. These next two weeks are revision weeks. I’m in year 12. I need to pass. Why did I have to fall into a relationship that could potentially land me with a broken heart and a broken grade? I open one eye, and seeing that it isn’t blindingly bright, I open the other. What do I have to do today? Groceries. Study. Kai. Haircut. Wait. Something doesn’t quite belong in that list. Oh yeah. Kai. It all comes back, the crying, the shock and most vividly, the pain. My goodness I did NOT miss this heartache. A heavy sigh escapes my lips. At least my eyes don’t hurt anymore. I have a shower, and look into the freezer for something to eat. Target acquired: frozen waffles. I pop 3 into the toaster, and as they heat, I list again what I would do today. Groceries. Haircut. Study. No Kai.
The silence in the house gives me thinking quiet. It’s not always a good thing. My mind drifts to Kai, and the last time I was smiling and laughing with him. I won’t have that anymore. I feel numb thinking about it. I thought a break up would be more tears, but in reality, it’s tears and then emptiness. How long will this emptiness go on for?
I wheel the trolley down the aisle, its little wheels making a rhythmic noise over the linoleum. I have all the sugary crap you aren’t supposed to eat, and of course, a bunch of frozen foods that I can easily defrost and cook within minutes. I feel bad for buying all this junk food, though, when my parents asked me to take care of myself, so I throw in a pack of frozen vegetables, too- just to ease my conscience. I leave the grocery, and remember I should get a haircut. I scan the area, and see the hairdresser’s – but there’s a bunch of people in there. Oh well, I guess my hair can wait. Not like I do anything special, anyway. I walk out of the shopping centre, and get to the bus stop just in time for my bus. I lug my groceries along with me, and put them in the seat next to me since the bus has practically no passengers. My phone vibrates, and I take it out of my pocket.
What happened?
It’s from D.O. I feel kind of bad that this has happened, especially since D.O thanked me for ‘saving’ Kai just a few weeks ago.
Ask Kai
Is that the right thing to say? Maybe.
He’s kind of going crazy and won’t say anything apart from Luhan’s name.
I feel dreadful. The first feeling that isn’t emptiness and it’s something even crappier. I realize that I’ve broken up a friendship. Personally, I hated being in friendships, but the one Kai has with his friends is something wonderful. I never wanted to be the one person to break it, but here I am.
Oh. I’m sorry.
I can’t say much else, but I AM sorry. So sorry for all the crap I caused. I get off at my stop, and walk the 10 minutes to my house is silence. I don’t even want to listen to music. All my music I got from Kai. Reminders of Kai are everywhere. Why can’t I go two metres without seeing something that has something to do with Kai?
I unlock my front door, and lug the groceries into the kitchen. The freezer is so empty it isn’t much of a problem if I just stuff everything in. Then I chuck the rest of the food in any free space I can find in the pantry. I put away the plastic bags, and go up to my room. It’s only 11, so I have time to do some work. Or I could do something fun. Oh, right. My only source of fun was Kai, and I blew that. I guess my only option is work. I take out my books, and spread them out on my desk. What to pick? Math, English, psychology or physics? An almost animalistic groan slips out from my mouth, as I let my head fall and rest on my books. I give up. I can’t be bothered and I feel depressed about what I’ve done and what’s happened. My sunshine was taken away because I was stupid, and now I can’t even do this anymore. I never thought separating from Kai would be this painful.
The doorbell suddenly rings, making me sit up straight too fast and making my neck crack.
“Ow! S***.” I rub my neck and wince. The doorbell rings again, and I guess I have to go get the door.
I open it, and find Luhan.
“Again?”
“I’m here to cheer you up!”
“Please leave me to wallow in my self-pity.” I start to close the door, but a foot is in the way.
“Wait! I can make it worth your while!”
“Please leave.”
“I told you, I can’t! I didn’t cheer you up!” I’m suddenly filled with rage.
“CAN’T YOU LEAVE ME ALONE?! KAI ALREADY HATES YOU AND ME. AND I’M THE REASON WHY HE HATES YOU. YOU DON’T KNOW HOW HORRIBLE I FEEL AND I JUST WANT TO BE LEFT ALONE. PLEASE! GO AND FIX YOUR RELATIONSHIP WITH KAI BECAUSE IT CAN STILL BE SALVAGED. DON’T THROW IT AWAY!” With all the force I could muster up, I slam the door. Surprisingly, Luhan didn’t stick his foot in the way. Maybe he understands. After my fit, I’m overcome with sadness. Their relationship can still be salvaged, so why doesn’t he go and fix it? I start to cry again and I scream in frustration. I don’t want these bipolar feelings! I just want to get over Kai, but it still hurts so much. It doesn’t feel real that we’re no longer a couple. I want to go back to how it used to be. Such happy times, but now… everything’s been torn apart. And it’s all my fault.
As I trudge back to my room, the doorbell rings. WHAT THE HELL DOES HE WANT FROM ME?
It rings again and again and again, but I refuse to open it. I return to my room, slam the door and put my headphones on to block out the irritating bell. I sit at my desk once again, but I can’t bear to listen to my music. It’s Kai’s favourite songs and listening to them sends knives through my heart. I rip out my earphones, and hear footsteps. My parents can’t be home. I tiptoe to my door and open it quietly. I peek out into the hallway, and suddenly, a pair of hands are in my face.
“BOO!”
I scream long and loud. When I stop, Luhan is laughing so hard, he’s crying. I glare at him, then kick him.
“Ow! What’s that for?!”
“How did you get in to my house?”
“I climbed the fence since you weren’t answering the door and the back door was open.”
I have nothing to say to him. I just want to be left alone.
“Please leave me alone.”
“I can’t! That’s the thing. I feel so bad for you.”
“You can make me feel better by going and apologizing to Kai, ok? Fix your friendship.” Luhan looks serious, and he contemplates what I’ve said.
“Alright, then. For you. If it makes you happy. I’ll come back when I’m done.” He smiles, and suddenly hugs me, but lets go before I can do anything. Strangely, I feel nothing. Luhan walks to the stairs and says, “I’ll show myself out.”
I look over the railing, and watch him descend the stairs. He doesn’t look up or back, and leaves quietly. I hear the back door close, and I let out the breath I didn’t realize I had been holding. What am I going to do with him?
