My heart was going to explode from everything and my stomach had erupted into a stampede of elephants. The door was opening, who was on the other side? I think I’m going to be sick. Maybe this was the wrong choice. I ran off on Luhan, a second rejection 100 times harsher than the first. Oh well, no turning back now. The door opens fully, and I can’t tell whether I feel relief or disappointment that it’s Harley. He looks extremely surprised that I’ve appeared. Of course, who wouldn’t be surprised? I’d been gone for more than a month.
“TJ, hello. What can I do for you?”
“Please don’t think badly of me. Is Kai there?” His expression is still kind, and he lets me into the house.
“I won’t tell him who it is… and I don’t think badly of you. Thank you for coming, though. Take a seat in the lounge.” I walk to the lounge, but can’t bring myself to sit still, so I pace. What if he throws a fit? What if he doesn’t want to see me? Is he still angry? Should I have texted? What if… he still likes me, too? Don’t be ridiculous.
So why did you come back?
I came back for closure. I think. Or is it because I really do still like him? Is it like, though, or love? What does love feel like? Am I just making up these feelings? My hands shake from nervousness. How will he react to me?
“What are you doing here?” His voice is icy, but it’s still his. I whirl around, and there he stands in the doorway. A sudden rush of different emotions overwhelms me, and I have to sit down. He’s the same Kai I last saw, but something is different about him. What makes him feel different? I can’t quite put my finger on it.
“Kai…” I hadn’t uttered his name for a long time, but it felt natural to say it. I feel like if I look at him, I’ll be frozen, so I stare at my feet.
“What do you want?” He speaks through gritted teeth, and I flinch. His reaction is already so negative. I don’t think I can tell him how I feel. But I don’t know myself how I feel. What if it was just an impulse to avoid Luhan? What if I really am over Kai but can’t accept Luhan’s feelings either, so I came back here? Was this all a huge mistake? I can’t do this. Come on, TJ! Grow a pair and just do what you want. I want to, but my mouth seems to have a mind of its own and goes completely against what my head is saying.
“Um, I’m sorry. N-nevermind… I’ll just get going. Sorry.” My eyes refuse to look up at him, and I carefully stand on my wobbly legs. I try to walk past him, but trip over suddenly. I didn’t think he would do what he did. I thought he would leave, but he caught me. He grabbed my waist, and didn’t let go. My heart skipped a beat. He hasn’t let go. Maybe? Afraid, but driven by my curiosity, I look up. His eyes have bags under them, but they’re still the same brown eyes that I would stare into for hours on end. I could still stare at them for hours on end. They don’t hold any of the anger or hurt that I last saw in them, but instead they’re soft, and I melt completely. How could I ever have thought I could live without him? How did I live without him? I don’t have any doubts about my feelings for him.
I step back, and he lets me go.
“Stay. Sit.” He says. I’m startled, but happy that he hasn’t made me leave. His voice doesn’t sound so angry, and I wonder, what’s going through his mind? He was so cold before, but now, it’s almost as if the old Kai is back. Did he ever leave? It was probably me that pushed away the old Kai. I sit back down on the couch, and Kai sits a small distance from me.
“Why did you come?” He asks. His voice holds no emotion. I guess it’s better than being able to hear the hatred.
“We- I-I need to talk to you.” I glance at him, and he’s just staring at the blank wall.
“About what?”
“What you saw. We never talked about it.” I’m hesitant to continue. What if this all goes wrong? There’s a lot of tension still in the room, and we still aren’t on sunshiny terms.
“What’s there to talk about?” The emotionless voice remains. How I yearn to hear his old voice, the one filled with warmth.
“I don’t think you believed me when I said it meant nothing, but I meant every word, Kai. I didn’t think anything of it. Honestly.”
“Is that all you came here to say?”
“Look, I know you’re still mad-“
“Mad? No, TJ I’m not mad.” He’s not? Relief courses through me, and my heart starts to calm down. “I’m hurt. I thought you knew about my insecurities. Showing so much affection towards that guy made me feel inferior, like I wasn’t good enough.”
“Kai, I’m sorry. I didn’t think that you were so insecure about me being around other guys. I see you as incomparable to them. You are worth so much more to me than anyone else.” For the first time in a month, my words held no doubt. I am 100% sure of what I am saying. I hope Kai sees that.
He looks me in the eye and smiles. A true, genuine and happy smile. If I died right here, and I think I will from all this pounding my heart is doing, I will die happy.
“TJ, I’m sorry I acted rashly.”
“Don’t apologize. You’re only human.” I smile back at him. He lowers his gaze, and reaches for my hand. I let him take it, and it’s like we were never apart. The grooves and callouses on his hands are exactly as I remember them.
“Do you want to start over?” His words make me want to jump with joy.
“Yes.” His mouth widens into a grin, and he pulls me into a hug. I hug him tightly, and I have to tell him. “I don’t ever want to lose you again, Kai. I love you.”
“I… I love you, too.”
