The school week has finally ended, and I lug home my bag of books. I have until tomorrow to get my head straight, and I can only hope that I don’t make more of a mess of the situation than there already is. Kai hasn’t showed up for lunch and I’m thankful that he’s giving me space, but I’m worried about where he could be spending his time. I just hope he isn’t at The Warehouse, but what are the chances that he isn’t? I get inside my house, and remember that my parents already left. I’ll be alone again for the next 3 weeks, and I guess the peace and quiet is nice. I’ll be able to study in peace.
I fell asleep without realizing, and when I open my eyes, the sun is shining through my blinds. I raise my head from the desk and my neck cries out in protest. My phone vibrates, and I pick it up. There are 6 messages from Kai.
Hey
Are you ok now?
Can we talk?
Can I come over?
I’m coming over.
I’m here
Here? At the house here? Oh s***. I scramble up and put on a jumper over my tank top. I can’t do much about my shorts, but Kai’s seen me in ugly clothes before, anyway. I hurry down the stairs and see a silhouette behind the front door. He wasn’t lying. I open the door, and Kai turns around and smiles at me.
“Hey. Morning.” He walks in and takes off his shoes.
“Hi. Sorry, I just woke up. Do you want some food?” I yawn, and groggily walk to the kitchen.
“Yeah, that would be great.” We’re acting so normally. I almost forgot the real reason to his visit, and I feel nervous just thinking about the topic. Oh well. I’ll just savour this moment while it lasts.
I cook up some pancakes with help from Kai, and I notice that he doesn’t seem to smell like smoke. So either he hasn’t been smoking or he had a shower before he came. Hopefully it’s the former. We laugh and talk like nothing ever happened, and I wish it could be like this forever, but reality has to stick it’s big fat nose into my business and ruin everything.
We sit on the couch after eating, and slowly, an uncomfortable silence descends on us. Neither wants to talk about the topic, let alone bring it up. I give Kai kudos for even trying.
“Umm, so, about Tuesday…” He trails off and I shuffle around. I suddenly don’t have anything to say despite the one million things going on in my head. “TJ, I’m sorry I didn’t tell you. I can’t say I was planning on telling you either, so I’m sorry for that, too.”
“But why weren’t you planning to tell me?” My voice is quiet. Curses. I don’t want to sound quiet and meek! I want to sound angry and aggressive and I want him to know I greatly dislike the facts that he’s involved with drugs.
“It just never crossed my mind.”
“But why weren’t you considering stopping? D.O told me when I met him that you stopped doing drugs the first time I met you.”
“I was very dependent on it when we broke up. I used it pretty much everyday. Now I can’t go without it. I did try to stop, but it was too hard. If you love me, you wouldn’t mind.”
“That’s the thing! I wish I didn’t mind, but I do, Kai. I love you and it’s why I CANT overlook this. SO many of my family members have dies from drug use, did you know that? I don’t want something horrible to happen to you, Kai. Please. Stop while nothing bad has happened.”
“I can’t, TJ. I’m sorry, but you’re going to have to put up with it. You don’t understand how much I need it in my life. I can’t manage my stress without it. Thank you for the concern, but I can take care of myself and I don’t need it.”
As he spoke, I gradually felt worse and worse abut myself. Why am I even trying to talk him out of it? It’s his life and I shouldn’t interfere, but I don’t want him to get hurt.
“I don’t want you to get hurt, Kai. Please try to cut down on it.” He’s quiet, and I don’t know what he’s thinking about. If this goes on, I won’t be able to concentrate. I need to do well in my exams, but with all these problems, how can I? What if I fail because I can’t study? I need to get it all out of my system. “Kai, listen to me. You did it the first time, so why not this time? I can help you. You aren’t alone, and we are in this together. I need the security, Kai. I need to know that you won’t get hurt. I know about the fights you get into, and that makes me so worried about you. I care about you. I love you.”
“Thanks for offering, but I really can’t do it. I’m exhausted from schoolwork, TJ. I know you’re doing this with good intentions and I appreciate that you’re worried about me, but you don’t need to be, ok? I’ll cut down on it. Happy?” I wanted to tell him so badly that no, I am not happy. I just want him to go back to being who he was before.
“Yeah. Thank you. This makes life easier.” I fake a smile, and feel like absolute dirt. I just agreed to appease him, but really, cutting down on it isn’t going to cut it. I don’t want to keep complaining, though, because I can see his patience wearing thin. Ever since we got back together, he had a shorter temper and it makes me worry. What if he snaps one day and gets into a really bad fight? My stomach lurches at the thought. I’ll just have to do my best to keep him away from trouble.
“Great. I love you.” He grins at me and kisses me on the forehead. I want to tell him how I really feel, but I know it could jeopardise the relationship, so I keep quiet. I’m sure it’s won’t be so bad. I mean, in the past two months when I didn’t know about it, Kai hadn’t done anything life threatening. He’s sensible. I’m sure.
