Luhan stands in front of my door, holding a plastic bag. My mind flashes back to just a few weeks ago when Kai was doing the same thing, and my stomach drops. Oh yeah. Kai.
“What do you want, Luhan?” You’ve already done so much damage. But you don’t even know it.
“I am here to cheeeeeeer you up!!” I give him a blank look. What an idiot.
“So can I come in, or…?” A heavy sigh escapes my lips, and I don’t answer him. I just leave the door open for him to follow.
I walk to the kitchen for some food. I should eat something, especially since today’s been traumatizing.
Luhan shuffles behind me, and I hear the plastic bag rustling. He follows me into the kitchen, and as I open the fridge, he opens the freezer. I can’t even be bothered questioning him. I take out some ingredients for pasta, but Luhan puts his hand out.
“Nope. Stop. I will cook. Go sit.” I don’t argue, and sit at the dining table instead. I open my phone as Luhan busies himself at the stove.
This is weird.
It is. I don’t particularly want him here, but not like I can be bothered to kick him out. I’m too tired and I feel dull and empty. Kai was such a big part of me, and now… now what? There’s no more estranged good night texts, no more weekend retreats, no more lunchtime sandwich swaps. Then there are the gifts he had given me. What do I do with those things? But what about Kai? How is he feeling, now? I bet he’s happy. He’s gotten rid of his skanky, good-for-nothing girlfriend. I should tell D.O and apologize. Maybe later. My head sinks to the table, and I feel like crying again, but nothing will come out. I guess I’ve done my fair share of crying today. I glance up at Luhan and he is still cooking energetically. I wish he would leave.
“I know you want me to leave.” He suddenly says. Maybe he can feel my glare piercing a hole through him.
“At least you can take a hint.”
“I know what break-ups are. I know about the heartache and the puffy eyes. I’m an expert!”
“At being dumped or being the dumper?” I don’t want to entertain him, but it would be rude not to. Why do I care if I’m rude or not to him? This mess is his fault.
Don’t blame him. You know it’s your fault.
“WOULD YOU BE QUIET?!” I scream. My hand claps over my mouth. Did I seriously say that out loud? This is the worst.
“Are you ok..?”
“No! No I am not ok! My boyfriend has dumped me and there’s a voice in my head that won’t shut up about my mistakes! I’m not ok!” Here are the tears that were previously not coming out. They start to drip again, and each time they fall, my eyes sting. Like opening your eyes in chlorine for extended periods of time. I walk into the bathroom to get tissues, and wash my face. I look at my self in the mirror, and decide to give myself a little pep-talk.
“Snap out of it TJ. You will be fine. It’s all your fault that you broke up, so don’t play the victim. All this is your doing. The guy out there is a part of the reason why you broke up, so go out there and tell him leave.” Ok.
I walk out, and when I smell the food, I immediately realize. No, not ok. I can’t do it. I can’t tell him to leave. I need to figure out how I feel about him. I can’t even do that at the moment, seeing as how I’m one big mess. I just feel empty, and anything will make me cry.
“TJ? Come on! I have the food!~” He’s too cheerful.
I walk back to the kitchen, and Luhan’s prepared two bowls of pasta. I sit down at one of the bowls, and Luhan sits across from me. I stare at my food, and we eat in silence. I can’t stop thinking about the times when Luhan touched me, and left me feeling it for days after. I wish I had never met him. I have all these thoughts of hating him in my head, but why haven’t I kicked him out yet?
We finish our meals, and I take my bowl to the sink. I wash it, place it on the drying rack and then get myself a glass of water.
“Thanks.” I mutter as I brush past him on my way to the lounge. He doesn’t say anything, but it doesn’t matter.
I sit on the couch, and the house is in silence while Luhan washes. I stare at the blank television, and think of Kai. His smile. I wish we hadn’t ended our relationship on such horrible terms. I want to see his smile again, a smile that could warm this cold heart. I want to feel again, but I am an empty husk of an insect after being trapped and eaten by a Venus flytrap. I thought our relationship would be stronger than what it was. Was he really so insecure? He really had no trust in me.
Now I’m home alone with a guy I don’t know. I either lust for him or hate him, but I do know I want him to leave. When I think of the incident in the closet, I can’t feel anything anymore. That hug he gave me today, I can’t feel the heat from it either. It’s a good thing, but does it mean I’ve gotten over him? A mere crush as short lived as an insect’s life. Maybe I can’t feel it anymore because I feel so numb and empty. My heart hurts the way all hearts hurt when dealing with loss. I’m sorry, Kai.
Luhan walks into the room with a tub of cookies and cream ice cream.
“You aren’t going to leave?” I groan. I slap my hand over my eyes. I don’t want to look at him.
“That’s insulting! Excuse you, but I am here to cheer you up. You don’t look cheered up yet, so I’m staying here until you do. Now, let’s watch a movie!” He’s too cheerful. I keep my eyes covered, but hear him messing with the TV.
“All done! Ok! Let’s do this!” I peek at him through my fingers. He’s making his way towards the couch. Oh no. nonononono. Not today, buddy. I stick out my feet on the couch, but he swings them away and sits next to me. My stomach is doing flips. Not this s*** again. I thought I was over him! Ugh.
Luhan holds out the tub to me. “Want some? I know you dooo.”
I grab a spoonful, and stick the delicious ice cream into my mouth. Eating ice cream is usually what heart broken girls do, so I guess it can’t hurt to do the same. The movie starts, and its some Australian film called ‘Red Dog’. This better not be crappy.
The movie did not disappoint, and I’m crying at the end of it. The credits roll, and I get up to throw the ice cream away. I look at Luhan and see that he’s teared up as well. Good. I still dislike you.
“Are you going to leave, now?”
“Are you cheered up?”
“No, and I doubt I will ever be. So will you leave?”
“Then no. I was taught to finish what I started, so I will make sure you are cheered up before I leave.”
How irritating can you get?!
“Please leave. I want to rest.” I have to become emotionally stable in the next 48 hours before exam revision. I don’t want to be a mess for exams. I stare at Luhan, and he stares back at me. Finally he sighs. Success!
“Fiiine. But I’m not happy about it!” I don’t care, really. I escort him to the door, and he walks out.
“Night, TJ.”
“Night.” Then he vanishes into the darkness. Alone at last. I brush my teeth, and crawl into bed. The day is finally done and I can sleep. I hope tomorrow will be a better day. The last thought that pops into my head before I sink into unconsciousness is, ‘I wonder what Kai is doing?’.
