Special Kai’s POV! ^_^
-There is a fair share of swearing. Sorry! >.>
I slam the door harder than I should, and leave my hand on it, as if afraid she would try to come back in. Do I really want her to come back in? No, don’t be ridiculous. I hate her. I hate her! I slam my fist on the door, and then again and again.
I saw her hesitate when he held out his arms. I thought she wouldn’t do it, but knowing that she hesitated makes it worse. It wasn’t something casual; there was some meaning behind it. You don’t hesitate to hug a friend if you mean it in a friendly way. I can’t help but continuously replay the motion of her arms wrapping around him. The stitches from the hospital were nothing compared to the knives being dug into my stomach. I had never felt more insecure. How could I ever have thought I would be good enough for her? She went to that bastard cause of me. I’m a druggie, for goodness sake. And Luhan, what’s he? He’s the complete opposite of me. Anyone would pick him over me. The smart scholar over the druggie failure, any day. This is karma, I guess. I knew that relationship was too good to be true.
I walk towards the kitchen to get a drink. I can feel something in my eyes. Something wet. What the hell are these? Men don’t cry! I rub at them furiously. No. F*** that, f*** her, f*** that bastard. I don’t need any of them. I’d gone on this long without them, so why not continue? Because it still feels like I’m having my heart shredded by a dull knife, no matter what I say to myself.
I hold the glass to my lips, and then a memory flashes into my head.
TJ asking for water. Me holding the glass above her head. Her pouting at me.
“AAARGH!” I swing my hand out, and the glass crashes onto the wall on the other side of the room. Everything reminds me of her. I don’t even want to know her! I sink to the floor, the cabinet door cold against my back. I don’t know what to do with myself. I did so much to try and be good enough for her. Of course better guys are going to come by and take her from me. It’s what such a perfect person deserves. I must have been completely and utterly delusional to even think for a second I had a chance with her.
Sitting and moping around here isn’t going to do me any favors. I have to do something. But I can’t do s***. These stitches in my head don’t let me do anything. If I exert myself, they start hurting like hell. Who cares, though? I go to my room and get my boxing gloves. Then I make my way to the garage, where the exercise equipment is kept. There it is. My way out –the punching bag.
The gloves feel right, and the bag is tempting. I throw the first punch, and it feels as if the knives are receding. I continue. I see Luhan’s face, and punch hard. I see my own, and punch harder. I hate everything in the world. I hate everyone, but most of all, I hate myself.
If I hadn’t been so idiotic, I wouldn’t be in this situation. I would still have a girlfriend and my family wouldn’t be so f****** up. Anger isn’t good. It feels good to release my frustrations on the punching bag, but my stitches are starting to hurt. The sweat that drips down them makes them sting even more, but I keep going. I start to feel like dizzy, and nauseated. I should stop. Something in me says to keep going, but if I do, it will cause more problems for Harley. I’ve already done enough. I throw down my gloves, and walk back into the house. I don’t feel like I’m going to explode anymore, but now I’m dizzy. I get a glass of water and manage to drink it without breaking down. I close my eyes and lean on the counter.
TJ.
Only once thing is going through my mind. Her face. Her. She’s out of my life, now. Of course it’s for the better. She was a skank.
You don’t really think that. It’s an excuse.
I do. I really do think that.
Be quiet.
Convincing myself that it’s her fault doesn’t even work for a second. How could I think that it would be her fault? Of course it’s all mine. I can’t bring myself to hate her. I can only hate myself.
Because??
“…I love her…” It falls out of my mouth. It doesn’t even feel unnatural. If she had known, would she still have done it? Of course she would. No one could love me. Not even my parents. I shake my head to clear it. Don’t think of that.
I go to my room and look at my phone. I unlock it, and scroll through my contacts list.
Desmond
My finger hovers over the green telephone sign. Am I really going to do it? I’m crazy if I do. I have nothing to lose anymore, though. It doesn’t matter. So I click it. After the first two rings, it picks up.
“Kai?! Long time, bro! What can I do for you?”
“What do you have now?”
“I’m getting some coke tomorrow. You have the best timing.”
“I’ll come by. Get me a syringe, too. I have $50.” I hang up, and get a change of clothes before I shower.
Nothing to lose.
