Newly Married to Kris

Confessing burdens and starting new ones

*Rachel POV*

I grabbed Luhan's arm and we sat outside on the balcony.

"What do you need to talk about Rachel?"

He started playing with my hair, running his fingers through it like he always does.

"Why did you kiss me when you were drunk?"

*Luhan POV*

I didn't want to talk about this. At all. But she needs closure and so do I. I just feel bad.

"I'm so sorry Rachel. I was just drunk."

I looked down and became shy.

"I know, Luhan. I'm not mad either. I get that you were drunk, I get that you're sorry. I just want to know why."

This part I didn't want to talk about at all. I'm not going to give her the full truth. I can't.

"You're like my sister, Rachel. I love you. I don't know. Something just got over me. I couldn't help it. That's no excuse, either. It's just that I wanted to kiss you. I shouldn't of, and I know that. If I wasn't drunk I would have known not to. I'm just stupid. I am really sorry."

I felt a tear stream down my face. Why am I such an idiot?

I started to cry even more. More like bawling. I feel awful. I kept looking down, I didn't want her to see me like this.

She put her hand on my shoulder, grabbing my attention. She had a blank, expressionless face. Rachel put her warm hand on my neck, pulling me in for a kiss. I didn't do anything for a little bit due to being surprised, but I kissed back. I put my hand on her cheek. Both crying now, we continued. Her soft, passionate lips perfectly locked in with mine. I could get lost in her. I bobbed my head grasping for more from her, and she obeyed. I left from her lips and went to her neck. I gave her small, passionate kisses up and down her neck, as she cried. But I cried too. She began to bawl, so I stopped. I pulled her in for a hug.

"I'm terrible Luhan.."

She rested her head on my shoulder and I held her in my arms.

"No you're not,"

"Yes I am! You don't get it. I can't go out to a guys house at 3am. I can't expect to see you later. I can't cuddle with you as we cry. I can't kiss you!"

I could see the frustration in her eyes as another tear ran down her face. I wiped it off.

"Don't be upset.."

"I have to be! I should be! Luhan, I need you. I always want to be with you. I want to explore with you, I want to explore you. I want to spend all my time with you. Because you make me happy. And I love what makes me happy. I want to be with you all the time, perhaps forever. I want to consider that real, truthful love. And I know it is. But I also have to love Kris. And I do. Kris makes me happy, and I love what makes me happy. But I feel out of place when I'm not with you. And I need to have that feeling with Kris too, but I don't until I force myself to. But when I do, I love Kris. It's like I can't decide what's the truth when I know it's obvious."

She was upset. Mixed emotions. Frustrated. Confused. Unsure. Unsettled. Undecided. But sad too.

"Kris"

I thought. I wondered if he knew any of this. I wondered if he knew where she was. It was obvious, though. He didn't. He would never imagine it. Let alone let her go out at 3am. (Well 4, now)

Rachel sat there confused. Not under the blanket, but what seemed like 1000 miles away from me, which was just about 2 feet away in reality. She didn't have a happy, smooth face. She was confused. Unsure. Unsettled. Undecided. But her eyes said a different story, her eyes were sad. Solemn. Filled with grief. Despair. Sorrow.

"Don't do anything for me. If Kris treats you well, so be it."

I couldn't think of much to say. She didn't confess that she has a love beyond our friendship (like I do) and I didn't want to assume that. I didn't want to tell her that and put her on the spot either.

"He does. Now, anyway. I just feel like I need something else. I'm not 100% sure what that is, either. I'm in a weird spot in my life. Like a rut. Why though?"

She asked looking at me.

I sighed.

"If you feel like there's more, then there is. But do you want to go through the hassle with it all?"

There is more. More options. Me. Hassle as in me. Hassle as in dealing with the guilt of it all.

"I...I don't know."

"I don't expect you to. No one does. It will come to you, sometime. Maybe not today, not tomorrow, maybe not next month, maybe not next year. But you'll know one day."

Rachel looked at her phone.

"I need to go."

I just said a quick "okay" and she walked off and left. I stayed sitting on the floor of the balcony. Listening to the rain. I stayed there for a few minutes, then got up and sat on my bed.

"It's like I can't decide what's the truth when I know it's obvious.",

I thought.