Hauntingly Beautiful Girls

"Destination Fixation"

Why did I throw that man out of my front door? That is the question that keeps me awake in bed.

Not since my freshman year in college was I ever so unsettled. Kissing a boy in my dorm then shoving him out the door.

I had good grades and kept a strict regimen so I could stay on the track team. Even if, the team coaches often kept me benched, so they could enter the ones with scholarships. I was not the fastest, but faster than some of them.

Slightly taller and usually in good tone, I could snag a boy and kiss him pretty easily.

That was when the sorority made me a special offer of membership. I was tallish and elegant, they said. A good addition to their sorority. A sorority with a long history. Joined with a prestigious fraternity, it was generational community known to match future executives and future executive's wives. Many members were already engaged or promised before both joining.

There was just one exclusion. If I liked girls more than boys, they could not let me join.

I find that very funny now. Of course, I liked boys more than girls. Yet, they often asked me to kiss girls in the sorority. Not for attraction, but in helping other girls learn self defense. I played the part of a drunk boy trying to kiss new sorority girls.

It was nice to live in that sorority house. On sunny days in the early spring, really too cold still, we would sunbath on the front lawn. Close to the campus, there were many to walk by on the sidewalk. It was a good start to getting a tan, and also a kind of tradition.

Some louts would make nonsensical remarks. Requests for dates were common. I remember one time, it was really a case of simple curiosity. A young man understood we were in a sorority. Were we being hazed, by being forced to sunbath on a cold day. I gave the simple answer that we wanted to sunbath, and he turned to leave.

The girl next to me then launched into a string of attacking questions. "Who are you to talk to us? Do you know who we are?"

He had calm answers for each question. "No, I do not belong to any fraternity. No, I am not wealthy. No, my parents do not run large companies."

Eventually, he bowed and left. He bowed. That is right. He bowed.

I asked my sorority sister what had been the reason for her loud questioning. She said "Guys off the street do not deserve our response. We will be executive wives. They should know that."

At more formal sorority parties, you would rarely see someone like that young man.

Earnest in eyes and tone.

At those parties, I did find the type of man I really could fall for and marry. Tall solidly built men in suits. Often older relatives.

At formal events, men that ran departments were common. There were all kinds of hints about the ones that liked me.

There were several weddings of sorority sisters to somewhat older men. The girls usually had wealth in their families to match the new husband.

I left college as I had entered (except for kisses, pure). Well, untouched would be more exact. I knew I liked boys (especially corporate alpha male types).

I entered the workforce as the very model of an aspiring executive's wife. Well dressed. Physically fit and trim. The sorority connections were very useful in landing a job,

My first experience was with a perfect man (so long as you did not know he was a liar). Promises of marriage, but he was already engaged to be wed. He married her. I am happy for her, and for me. I could not be 'the other woman'.

It took a long time for me to even think about any other. None of the ones that came after worked out either. Not because they were liars, they just had busy lives. Marriage had stopped being a requirement for highly placed executives.

So, why did I throw him out the door today?

I was unsettled and flustered. Why?

It was a difficult time getting myself out of the date clothes. I did not want to push him into the couch and then look funny trying to squirm out of my clothes.

Men have it easier. Their clothes fall off.

I have actually never been a seducer of a man. They see me and (if they are worthy) they remove my clothes.

Maybe that is the reason. I expected my life to be in hands of a tall executive. My clothes removed by him that executive husband. I expected that to be my life.

That man tonight left me nearly breathless. He never kissed me at all.

Was that it? I threw him out because he did not fit my vision of the future? A future crafted by my sorority sisters decades ago? One that never happened? Did I throw away something nice, for something I will never have?