Reckless and Relentless

Never Giving In

Ben

     I saw James go into the back room on the bus and assumed that he was with Riley because I hadn't seen her out at the party so i follow behind him and push the door open with what felt like every muscle in my body.

"James what the fuck mate! You could have told me that Riley was here and alive and well. I spent the last 5 years thinking that I killed her and she's here now and you shut me out." I spat in James' face and my blood was boiling when he got up and in my face, "Me? You want to attack me for not telling you that my sister is alive and here? YOU are the reason that we lost her in the first place. So fuck you. I didn't have to tell you anything, especially because she asked me not too."

James and I both turn and face Riley and she has her head down and looking at the floor, "you really didn't want me to know you're alright?" I felt like my heart was shattering as I spoke and waited for her to answer.

"No." and that's all I got. I can't believe what I was hearing. She didn't want me to know that she was alive, I loved her and I've hurt her. I don't blame her, I guess I deserve this. She told me to not come back and try to fix things with her but here I am. I let out a sigh of sadness and walk away and back to the front of the bus where Danny and the others are and grab the bottle of Jack off the counter and throw myself on the couch next to Danny.

He looks over at me and laughs, "you okay there mate? You look a bit depressed." Danny questioned but I just chugged the bottle in my hand and came up for air. "Danny I hurt her and I know that she wants nothing to do with me but fuck mate, every time I see her, or hear her voice, or the way that she laughs, or when someone says her name my chest gets heavy and I just can't figure out what is wrong with me." He looks back over at me and smirks, "sounds like you're in love with her mate."

Maybe I was. In love with Riley. But that doesn't matter. I can't undo every terrible thing that I did to her. She hates me and I deserve it. I don't deserve for her to forgive me. I finish the bottle of whiskey and set it on the floor, then sit there and stare at the ground. My mind is moving so fast. I have so many questions but I don't know how to get any of the answers.

Riley

James leaves me there in the back and I feel like I got hit by a bus out of nowhere, so I take another drag and hold it in until I can't any longer. As I cough and feel my nerves calm, the door opens again, Ben. What the fuck man. He looks defeated but I'm glad because he destroyed me.

I cross my feet and sit up, locking eyes with him, "what do you want?" I ask with a little bit of anger and frustration laced in my voice. He sighs and looks at me, "I just want to know what happened Riley. Where did you go? What did you do? I need to know."

I could feel my blood boiling with each question. "Do you wanna know what went down Ben? Do you want the whole story? Can you handle it?"

He nodded his head and I took a deep breathe, then here we go.

"The night at warped tour when I left, I got up to have a cigarette and I overheard you and Danny talking about how something was up with me. You called me a junkie, a whore, and stupid and I couldn't take anymore. One minute you acted like I was the love of you life and then the next I was just dirt under your God Damn shoe. You had my head so twisted I didn't know which way was up, so I snapped and I packed my shit and left. I walked to a bus station and bought a ticket to Cincinnati, hoping that I would be far enough away that nobody would come looking for me. Honestly Ben, you made me wanna die. So that was what I tried to do. I got off the bus I took and I walked until I found the shadiest area and I bought drugs. A lot of drugs and then found an empty park and took all of them. Cocaine and pills, mainly pain killers. I crushed the pills and snorted them after I finished all the lines of coke I could make. The world was quiet for once and for that moment I didn't hate myself. I was at peace, but then I guess I passed out and woke up in the hospital. No idea what happened other than a couple of kids went to the park to make out and found me unconscious. I only know this Because my nurse at the hospital told me. She was so kind, she used to be addicted to heroin she showed me her old track marks that were now covered with tattoos. Her name was Nurse Ashley. She was there when I woke up panicing from hysteria because I had no clue where I was. She stayed by my side while I went though the start of my withdrawal. I was almost done when she brought me a pamphlet about a rehab center that was close by and that did a good job of helping. It was were Ashley went and they helper her get through college to get her degree and license in nursing. So I thought it out and she helped me get in. I went through the whole program and I opened up and cleaned myself up and I struggled of course. But I did it. With the help from those doctors and nurses and of course weekly visits from nurse Ashley. I told her my whole story right before I graduated from the program and she was so proud of me. I've gotten a lot better, since then, I've cut my hair, bleached it, and gotten a lot of tattoos. After about a month of being clean, I took up lessons for guitar. It helped me keep myself together and reminded me of James and all the guys. Even you Ben. Actually especially you because I fucking loved you. Or I thought I loved you. I played in stores in the area, on the sidewalks and in cafés. At one café in Cincinnati, is where my life took a turn and could be one of the best things I've ever done.

I was late for my gig at one of the better known coffee shops and I was running trying to make it semi on time when I ran straight into this guy. His voice hit me and it was so familar. It was Andy from Black Veil Brides. He was there to meet his wife Juliet for coffee after she had just gotten back from tour. He said I looked like his friends sister and I told him that was because I was his friends sister. I told him that it was secret and if he stuck around until after my gig that I would tell him the whole story. So we did. That was when Juliet and Andy said that I could work with them. I play guitar with the guys and then take photos for Juliet during her sets. So now I'm here. Before I left rehab my therapist recommended that I maybe cut my hair and style it different to help myself see myself as a different and better person. I went through a few different colors but blonde was the best. I felt the most different and it just stuck and every time I hit a spot where I felt the itch for drugs or something bad I just kinda went and got a tattoo. It was a different type of pain that didn't harm my body so the therapist said that she approves. So here I am. Tattooed, blonde, a little heavier. I eat more food. It scares me but I realise that its important. But I'm alive and its my turn to care about myself and do something good."

I looked over at Ben and all he said was "Damn."