Reckless and Relentless

Maybe one word

Riley

I saw him walk in and my breathe got caught in my lungs and I felt the panic set in. "Andy, he's here." I whisper. He nods and just keeps talking to me like nothing is going on.

I can feel Ben's eyes burning a hole in my back. Andy looks at me as I set a bagel on my plate. Grabbing a fruit cup and a milk we stand at the other end of the catering tent and eat and talk.

"Andy I can't do this. I feel sick."  He looks at me with a smile, "Riley he knows your here. You know he's there, but you don't have to give him the time of day if you don't want to. You are all that matters." I nod and finish the last of my food and we both head out and back to the bus.

Once the cost is clear, I grab the pack of cigarettes from my back pocket and set it between my lips while I fumble with the lighter caught in my shorts pocket. Letting out a sigh of relief when its lit, Andy chuckled and looked down at me "you know James might have a stroke if he saw you smoking those."

I flick part of the ash on the ground as we walk back to the bus, "I mean but are YOU of all people gonna tell me that I shouldn't smoke?" Without looking at him I knew the eye roll was happening but I laughed.

The thought of Ben constantly races through my mind, when suddenly I'm snapped out of my own head by Jake "hey were having a party tonight on the bus and were inviting James and the guys are you okay with that?" He asked. Jake was so sweet, "yeah I'm fine." He smiled and walked back to the lounge and sat with the rest of the band.

Our bus started to fill with people and my anxiety was pretty high so I grabbed a small baggie from my duffel and closed the door to the back room behind me. I dump the little nuggets on the table next to me and divide it up into my grinder. Once its broken down I sprinkle and roll. I got it nice and tight this time as I light it and take a deep drag.
   I sit there for a minute holding it in and then finally exhale, making me cough a lung up or so it sounded. I do this a few more times and my nerves are gone and I'm super mellow. And that's when I notice I never locked the door and I wasn't alone in here now.

"JAMES" I shout as I get up and hug my brother. He smiles and takes a deep breathe, "Damn riley it smells like some good green." We both laugh and I offer the joint to him. He shakes his head and just sits next to me, "fine more for me." I joke and take another hit.

James looks over at me and just smiles "its been so nice to see you and I'm so relieved that your alive and well. Mom called today and she was crying because you called her that morning for the first time in 5 years." Hearing that brought a smile to my face. I was so glad to be back in my mom and James life. I missed everyone so much.

Suddenly the door opens and in walks Ben.
"James what the fuck mate! You could have told me that Riley was here and alive and well. I spent the last 5 years thinking that I killed her and shes here now and you shut me out." He spats in James face and I can feel the anger in my brother just boiling. James jumps up and basically corners Ben. "Me? You want to attack me for not telling you that my sister was alive and here? YOU are the reason that we lost her in the first place. So fuck you. I didn't have to tell you anything, especially because she asked me not too." They both turn and look at me.

"You really don't think I deserve to know you're alright?" Ben questions with a sadness in his voice. I look up at him then at the floor.

"No."