Amentia - K.NJ.

Thirteen

Jinkyong and I sat in Taehyung's trailer. Jinkyong was playing with a little stuffed animal that Taehyung had. He found it in a small town that was known for historical purposes, so he had bought the toy as a reminder of that place. That was a place where we had killed off twelve people; a record for what we did as a team.

Taehyung sat on the couch with me, my hands working on his split knuckles, cleaning them out from how filthy the trailer he had spent in all night. With all the blood, sweat, dirt, and other unknown substances around the place, there was no hint of cleanliness within that place.

Taehyung stared down at the ground, not even flinching when I placed a wet cloth on his cuts. His different colored eyes were red from him crying, his veined cheeks once covered with tears. I had made him put on a sweatshirt and sweatpants when we came back to his trailer. It was too cold for him after hours of torture.

"Do you know what's up with Jungkook?" I asked quietly, peeking up at Taehyung's eyes as he stared at the ground. I wanted him to talk, to get his mind off things. "He still seemed . . . sane, I guess."

"Namjoon didn't do much to him last night," Taehyung said in a whisper, just barely audible to my ears. I wasn't sure if he was keeping quiet because of Jinkyong or if he was still in shock. "Just some questions. A few hits here and there. He doesn't seem to know what kind of operation we run here. It seems to be in the clear zone for now."

"Why did he have to come when someone was ambushing us?" I said, mainly asking myself, almost out of exhaustion. "If he hadn't, none of this wouldn't have happened. Insu wouldn't have been mad at me, you wouldn't be in this pain. Everything would have been better."

"Mommy?" Jinkyong said from the floor, looking up at me from her little toy. Her eyes were still curious, but not scared. It was like she was immune to this stuff. I didn't know why, but maybe it was all because of our acts in shows. Taehyung was like a caged animal in those, so maybe she just thought this was like a show?

"Yes, sweetie?"

"Is there a show tonight?" she asked, pulling the stuffed animal to her chest, hugging it close to her. She was a tiny thing, her cute face giving a slight pout.

I stopped for a second from dabbing the cloth on Taehyung's wounds. There was a show tonight. Dammit. After all that had happened, we had to put smiles on our faces and perform. That was the worst part out of this job.

"Yes," I answered, trying to put a smile on my face. I had a feeling that Namjoon wasn't putting off the show. He only did that once, and that was when we first started. That was a rough day. "The show is still going on tonight."

A big smile came across Jinkyong's face. "Can I wear that blue and black dress? Can I help out Uncle Taehyung? Can I help Daddy?"

"Let's see what Daddy says," Taehyung said, looking over at Jinkyong. I saw him try a smile to put on his face. "He's the one that's running the show, after all."

"Who's that man in the trailer?"

Silence suddenly encased us, my hands going back to dabbing the cloth on Taehyung's wounds. I had no alibi. I had already lied to Jinkyong and Insu their whole lives. Do I still lie? Do I protect them? 

"Hey, did you show Mommy what you got yesterday at the store?" Taehyung said, moving away from her topic. He had put on his normal smile, masking his pain. I knew he still felt horrible about Jinkyong, but he seemed like he was trying to move on.

"What did you get?" I said in a happy voice, giving the little girl a smile. I was almost done with Taehyung's hands. The cloth was bloody his face and hands.

"I got crayons and a coloring book!" Jinkyong exclaimed, an instant smile coming across her face. "Uncle Taehyung let me get a coloring book with animals."

I gave that forced smile at her again, getting up from the couch where Taehyung and I sat. I balled up the dirty cloth in my fist, ready to go to the bathroom and place it in the sink for it to be washed later, possibly even to be thrown out. "You should show me at lunch time. I would love to see it."

Jinkyong gave her big smile, running over to Taehyung. I turned to start walking towards the bathroom, leaving the two behind. I heard Jinkyong say, "You wanna see my dress for tonight?"

I walked into the tiny bathroom, hearing the hum of they two, unexpected best friends talk. I could hear Taehyung become a little more upbeat, but I knew he was still hurting inside from what had happened.

Placing the cloth in the sink, I stared up at the mirror in front of me. My hair was thrown up messily, my eyes bloodshot while bags hung underneath them. I always had the bags under my eyes ever since Jinkyong was born and we went on to do our little show business, but the other parts didn't look like me at all. My chapped lips pursed, my tight cheeks from the tears. I felt like the past few hours had drained me completely.

Yoongi and Seokjin had ran out of their trailers when they had seen Insu pass in his blind rush. Yoongi and Hoseok had gone after Insu. Seokjin had to calm me down while Jinkyong hugged onto Taehyung outside the trailer where Namjoon and Jimin was inside probably torturing the reporter, Jungkook. Thinking of what the image had been, it made me sick to my stomach. It broke my heart. It was what my life had become over years of this show. This is what it always had to be. I hated all of that.

I started thinking of what our life would have been if we never started our business. Would Namjoon, the kids, and I still be lost, in debt, outcasts from our families? Would we homeless, on the streets, in rags? Would Namjoon and I be divorced? The thought of that made me want to sob. I didn't want to live without Namjoon. I never did. I was scared to leave him. I loved him too much and didn't know how I could handle the kids and myself by ourselves. Namjoon was the glue to all of us, even if he didn't know it.

I saw a tear slip down my cheek once more. I gave a huff, wiped my tear away, and slightly slammed my hand down on the sink. I scowled at myself in the mirror, disappointed. This was not how I was going to act for the rest of the day. I was going to slap a damn smile on my face and face my children and family with the brightest attitude I could give. I was going to put on a damn good show. And at the end of the day, I promised myself I could cry to Namjoon before going to bed.

I heard a little knock at the door of the bathroom. I turned my head to find Seokjin in the doorway, looking at me with a bit of concern. I cleared my throat a bit, taking my hands away from the sink. I ran a hand through my hair to calm it a bit. It probably did nothing.

"Y/N, you can't hide your feelings like this," Seokjin said quietly, letting his voice fade away with Jinkyong's giggles in the background as Taehyung tickled her. "This isn't healthy for you at all."

"I'm fine," I said, my voice coming out a bit crackled. I cleared my throat again, reaching a hand up to grab onto it. I rubbed it a bit, giving a forced smile in return. "Don't worry about me. I'm fine. I promise."

"This," Seokjin said, moving his hand in a circle at me, "is not 'fine.' You need to get a break from everyone and talk to Namjoon. I know that look on your face. I've known you for five years, and when you get that look, I know you need to talk to Namjoon. You can't hide that."

"He's busy right now," I murmured, looking over at the mirror for a second. I studied my face, finding something in it to give off any indication that I wanted to talk everything out. Seokjin was good seeing past my boarders, but I didn't know how he did it. "I'm not going to bother him."

"I'll go switch out with him. You go back to your trailer and I'll send him there."

I turned my head back to Seokjin. He watched me with his dark eyes, them soft to where he seemed caring. I placed my hip on the sink, crossing my arms over my chest. "Seokjin--"

"Y/N, go."

I tried to stare him down, to make him forget it. He stared right back, though, coming stronger. Our little stare down last for a few moments. I didn't want to give up. I didn't want to lose. I wanted to persist with the day and hold everything in until night. Staring at Seokjin did have the intense effect, though to where you had to give up.

I finally gave a sigh, giving out under his stare. I turned my eyes to the floor, biting onto my dry lips for a moment. "Fine. I'll go."