Longing For Love (Diff. Pov.)

Pain Is A Sign Of Progress

When people feel pain, they tend to change.
For better or for worse, they change nonetheless.

And boy, did I feel pain.
After the things i've seen, after the things i've heard, I believe i've had my fair share of pain.

Though I felt incredible pain, I'm not one bit filled with anger or remorse.

As everything is meant to happen for a reason, whatever may be the reason that this happened, ill always be thankful.

In every abyss of sadness comes the epitome of joy... of hope.

After a few weeks that they had been dating maybe even a month or two. I honestly stopped myself from trying again. It wasn't worth it to ruin her happiness .... not when I wanted to make her so happy.

After time passed , the most unexpected thing happened. 

They Separated

I didn't know what the reason was, I didn't know why the Allen let her go so easily. Maybe to him she was easily replaceable to the point where he didn't need to go after her once more. I believe that if you love something , you should do everything you can to make that one thing happy. And so... I had a glimmer of hope.  The dead heart of mine that couldn't beat anymore had resurrected itself and started to spread love once more.

I had my chance in the past , I messed it up big time by not doing the things I wanted to do.
Because of that I lost her and when I realized it someone had already gotten her. 

By the time that they broke up it was around the end of the second grading or maybe even the start of the third. I had already lost track of time and got track of the things that I needed to prepare.
 First of all, I need to stop being extremely shy.
I need to be more confident in myself and in my surroundings. I need to have an aura that says "I am Quas and I am proud to be who I am today." 
Lack of confidence brings the lack of actions.
Im gonna do all kinds of things that's gonna be extremely embarrassing so I need to be prepared for that.

Second, I need to be close to her somehow. I need to be on the same turf, same area..... Same class.. 

.... Maybe I should start fixing way I look along the way. Due to my lack of sleep , I've gotten under eye bags but I can probably just sleep that away or something, i'm talking about the way I dress and the way my hair is like.

...But what if I fail again? .... Nooo.... There's no way is there? ... I'm gonna make sure that I do things right from now on... The first thing i'm gonna do is Court her and i'm gonna do that right.

But recently... My emotions have been starting to get the better of me. I need to vent the fears , the insecurities out in someway. Maybe i'll just put some dark and edgy quotes and what ever's in my "Myday" . Not to look for attention but to let those emotions out.

I posted one pic in which everything was black with no other texts but "help" on the bottom right corner.

Afterwards , I put my phone down and lie on my bed. It's already 11:36 pm. It's still Saturday so I don't have school tomorrow. I'm still wondering how i'm gonna pull this plan off without failing again like my valentines one.

Ping

All of a sudden , Someone had sent me a message.

Jen Taiga Has Sent You A Message.

Isn't this one of the girl from Kaye's Class? 
Weird, what could she want from me.

"Hey , How are you?" 

"Well, I've had better days, you?" I reply

"Not doing so good myself hehe"

The conversation went on and on , the entire conversation got deeper and deeper.

"There are days where I just want to end it all, when im just on the edge of giving up." Says Jen

"But you can't because there are people out there that need you, that will miss you, even though there are times where they can't make you feel how truly important you are to them."  I continued.

Our conversations are just the two of us, continuing the next thing that the other person was gonna say, 
And we both got it
Every
Single
Time.

She and I kept talking for consecutive days,  Wondering how the other has been doing, making promises to never succumb to depression. 

Around the 3rd week, she started mentioning that all I ever needed was to fix my hair and the collar on my uniform.

She said " You know, you'd be really attractive if you fixed that hair of yours"
I honestly have no idea what she's talking about since I thought that my hair was either Unfixable or I just got used to it looking like this. 
I mean its just a Faded cut with the bangs swerving to the right of my head. Yeah.... swerving.. my hair is wavy like that.

Throughout all of our conversations , I felt hurt, Not because of the things i've experienced but because of the things she has gone through.
No one deserves a broken family.

For a few months , I had totally postponed everything that I had planned and all the plan making that I needed to do. 
I can't go through those plans if I can't handle them ,right?
And so, I spent the remaining few months of the 3rd Year of my highschool into gaining confidence, into potentially being the best version of me possible.

I started to join the dance contests , The Jingles and everything else that would be otherwise embarrassing for me.... The old me.
I even started to give my all on the dance,  Apparently I'm not so bad a dancer as I am a Singer. Who knew?

Months of bonding with the Hydros people I've managed to get close to plenty of them, 
The person I'll never forget, Is Kurt. He's the one that taught me one of the valuable things in this journey im taking.

We talked about my feelings for Kaye and how I wanted to court her.

"Hey Quas, listen.  
if I were you, I'd use those powerful feelings as fuel. As an inspiration. To make you keep moving forward.  Use those feelings while you still feel them. Because those are what's going to change almost everything."

He taught me to not be afraid of what I'm feeling. To use it as a fuel for my heart and it's burning Passion. 
Probably the main reason why i'm not so afraid of the things I feel anymore.

Though I never stopped feeling pain, Whenever she would grieve for Allen it would hurt me, I didn't want to see her like that. It was the one thing I didn't want to see. But in every ounce of pain is the energy , thrill and powerful will to move forward.  To say unto the world that I am no longer afraid of getting hurt for I have experienced pain. And so, I'm not afraid to move forward.

They say don't strive for Perfection
Instead strive for Success,

Well the part that they never tell you , is if you feel pain, You'll soon be able to make your own progress. Go on forward and leave your legacy unto this world.