fire starter | l.s [1]

five

My eyes fluttered open to reveal a sunlight motel room. Sitting up from the red couch I had insisted I sleep on, I stretched out my arms and legs, letting out a yawn. Chubs was sitting on the end of the double bed, scanning through a notebook and Zu was folding up a blanket. I rubbed my tired eyes and clambered off the couch.

"You sleep well, Amelia?" Chubs asked, not looking up from the notes he was scribbling down.

I walked over to the bed, sitting next to Chubs. Zu came and sat next to me and slung my arm around her shoulder, holding her close to my chest.

"It was the best sleep I've had in a while, honestly," I replied, dropping my eyes to the pages of his notebook.

It was an odd feeling, to not feel exhausted. I hadn't felt safe enough to sleep in over two months. Feeling safe had become such a foreign feeling to me that I've forgotten how comforting it felt. The constant paranoia and anxiety had become the only feelings I felt. Of course, I've lived with anxiety for almost seven years now, but it only started to really become a burden when I had escaped The League.

Chubs filled me in on todays plan while I ran my fingers through Zu's long black silky hair. We were supposedly going to go to a nearby mall and get some supplies for the long road ahead of us. Once Chubs was finished with telling me about today's plans I grabbed my backpack from the bedside table and entered the bathroom. We didn't have much time so I changed out of Liam's clothes that he had lent me and into the clothes I had worn the previous day, including the incredibly short shorts.

I exited the bathroom, pulling my hair into a low ponytail and slinging my bag over my back. Chubs and Zu were still packing up the room, so I decided to go out and talk to Liam and Ruby. I flung the door open but I was immediately stopped in my tracks. A pair of adults were walking out of a motel room and were staring at Ruby and Liam. I had to do something, they hadn't noticed me yet. I balled my hands into fists and stared at the two adults, I wanted to do something, but I couldn't move. Images of the man I killed yesterday flashed around in my brain, reminding me of my broken promise. My whole body was frozen and I couldn't move. Then I felt my chest begin to tighten and my body began to shake. A panic attack.

Tears bubbled in the rims of my eyes and I tried to keep them down. But I had no luck as I gasped for air with tears spilling over my eyes and dripping onto my cheeks. The adults were getting in the car, it was safe. Stop being such a baby. But I still couldn't control myself. My chest moved up and down rapidly, doing it's best to get a steady breath.

 I felt a firm hand on my arm, rubbing it up and down. I cocked my chin upwards to see Liam through blurred eyes. He was staring at me worry evidently written on his facial features.

"Hey, you're going to be okay," he reassured, his hand lowering to my wrist.

He was lying, I wasn't going to be okay because this constant feeling of fear was never going to go away. The constant feeling of guilt was never going to go away. My anxiety was never going to go away.

"I got you, I got you," he soothed, pulling me into the hug, rubbing my back.

I could feel my breath steadying and my heartbeat slowed down. My hands relaxed and the tears stopped flowing. He held me for a moment, and I felt at peace. Liam and Chubs knew about my anxiety when we had first met back at the camps. I'd told them because I was feeling anxious about the escape plan but of course, they were supportive as always.

"Thank you," I breathed, my voice was soft and fragile.

Liam pulled away, bringing all his warmth with him, leaving me wanting nothing more than for him to keep holding me. I felt my cheeks go red, it was so embarrassing to have a full-on panic attack in front of Ruby. The girl probably thinks I'm weak and she'd be right. Liam looked down at me for a few seconds, I realised I wasn't that much shorter than him. The top of my head reached the bridge of his nose.