9:58 PM-
I'm still awake, clicking away and scribbling with my ink pens.
10:00 PM-
I thought of you, I thought of your face-
Or, what I imagined it to be.
I never got the chance to hear your voice either.
It's lonely here.
Are you lonely there?
Are you wondering what went wrong?
Are you wondering if I'm okay?
10:10 PM-
Am I going to be-
going to be a haze of a memory?
Whether you're happy with someone else or not,
you'll never know how much I wanted to be with you,
there for you,
and just-just someone special to you.
10:23 PM-
I guess I should go to sleep;
But, the thing is, I can't shut my brain up.
It's full of pictures.
Sad paintings,
Sad memories,
Sad words,
Sad because of everything.
It's full of you.
Selfish and selfless questions.
Are you okay?
Are you safe?
Are you happy?
Are you with someone else?
If you're wondering:
No, I'm not okay.
I'm not safe from myself.
I have been taking pills-
good thing my sister stopped me, right?
And, no, I'm not with someone else.
I'm too gullible and loyal- and too in love with you.
11:11 PM-
When is my life ever going to get easier?
Better then, when am I going to stop breathing?
I can't take the chance
because,
unlike you,
I keep promises,
I don't leave the people I care about.
"Twinkle, twinkle little star,
Oh, how I wish to die,
Throw me off a building so high,
Like an angel who forgot how to fly."
I heard one of my neighbors singing that.
As far as I know, she was just a little girl.
So was I when I first sang that little song-
A little girl who was so scared
That she ran all the way home.
12:00 AM-
Thank you for all the unwanted thoughts,
Awakening all the feelings I worked so hard
To bury and forget.
When will I realize
that all people will do is hurt
and traumatize?
To be honest,
I'm done,
I can barely feel anything.
Goodnight, Hana Boy,
Thanks for leaving
me when I needed you most.
3:00 AM-
I'm more afraid than I have ever been before.
