Crimson and Silver

Always The Same

          Cash sent me home after we’d had one last conversation with his boss. Being the bait in this operation didn’t bother me. I was ready to find her again. Seeing that horrid creature was the one thing I’d waited for the last decade. But the restrictions I was given was obvious that this was about more than finding her. She had something that they needed. Whether it was information or just something in particular.

          I wanted to be the one to kill her. Even if they refused to allow me to, I’d find a way to do it quietly. She’d became the root of my anger for several years. The reason why I couldn’t move on was because she was still here. And no one would let it go because of her ass. Grinding my teeth, I tried to forget about it. If she was going to show up, all I had to do was wait for her. Is that what you do in this situation?

          Not so used to being the victim, huh?

          Rolling my eyes, I leaned my head against the bottom of the desk. The minute I got back, I dug for that bottle of whiskey. Now, I was halfway through, and still couldn’t get a single buzz. Just one night. Just one god damn night. Why is it so hard to get drunk now?

          You’re trying to get caught, but don’t make it so damn easy!

          I rolled my eyes, chugging down more of the alcohol. There were many nights before I was in this same position. Sitting on the floor, back against the desk, bottle in my hand. I knew this feeling all too well. All because of that damn creature. I refused to give them a name. Why give something a name when they just destroy things?

          You have a name, don’t you?

          I sighed, rolling my eyes. “Why does it insist on making me feel worse about myself?” I mumbled to myself. Even though I was fueling it more, I had no choice but to speak to it. The only company I’ve ever been given these years was the voice. Even though it sounded like myself, it wasn’t. It wasn’t me, and I refused to think that it was.

          I am you. I’m the you that has accepted his ways. All you have to do is do the same, and we’ll all be happy again.

          I laughed to myself, throwing back more whiskey. Happy. Do I even know how to be happy? I thought I did whenever I had her in my life, but now… Sighing, I ran a hand through my hair. You’re so pitiful. Those words hung in the air. Didn’t I know that already? What does a damn voice that says it’s myself have to say that I don’t already know? Without it, I’d be willing to accept everything. With the voice in my head, it made it harder to accept shit.

          Just drink your alcohol and be happy.

          Again with that word. Happy? What the hell is that? Being happy is for people that don’t understand reality. Look at you! You’re being insightful! Rolling my eyes again, I mumbled short spurs of curse words. The louder its words got, the tougher it was to relax. Just one night. Can I have just one god damn night?

          Throwing back the rest of the alcohol, I tossed the bottle across the room. No use for it anymore. Just like everything else. Looking around my compact office, I sighed to myself again. Why do I even have this dead-end job anyway? It isn’t like it’s going anywhere. I literally sit at a damn desk all day. Except for the occasional person that struts through the door.

          Oh, don’t down yourself now!

          “Isn’t that exactly what you fucking want?”