Rosie's Diary

Killing Me Softly

January 19, 2000 - 7:30 am

Good morning. After a lot of thinking this week I decided that just because I am love with June doesn't mean I am a lesbian like AC. I'm just in love! I don't feel like a lesbian. But also, what does a lesbian feel like?

January 21, 2000 - 1:43 pm

Soooo, Paige and I had a party last night. Like 20 people, dancing, drinking and games. I'm told there was an insane game of Ring of Fire happening in the kitchen but I wouldn't know because I spent the entire night on the couch. Yep, I had my arm around June, her face nuzzled all up in my neck. All. Night. Long. Paige just kept bringing us drinks.

My God. Half the time I don't know whether to scream or pass out.

January 22, 2000 - 1:20 am

Well apparently, I told June, ACTUALLY TOLD JUNE, she is "so beautiful." I don't remember when I said this, but she tells me today she's been thinking about me saying it all week! Well, OKAY, so fine, I told her she was beautiful. Great. Certainly, it was a completely innocent and non-lesbianish comment.

And she's been thinking about it since I said it? I mean COME ON! What is happening?!

Signing off in a slightly lesbian way,

Rosie

January 23, 2000 - 11:43 pm

Today I told June she had killer eyes. The words came flying outta my mouth, couldn't stop them. Shhhhhit.

Feeling pretty lesbian,

Rosie

January 24, 2000 - 1:20 am

Life just happens! It doesn't care if you have a scene from Macbeth to direct for midterms on Friday. This is my career we're talking about. My teachers have the power to fail me, but I'm like who gives a shit, I might actually be a lesbian!!! Hahaha! I seriously have lost my mind.

Probably a lesbian,

Rosie

January 26, 2000 - 10am

Still feeling like a lesbian.

January 28, 2000 - 9:11 pm

THE DAMN SCENE RAN 2 MINUTES OVER!

My directing teacher was being kind when he said it dragged "a little." Two minutes over when a scene is only 5 minutes long is an eternity.

I am not proud of my work and could have done so much more with that scene. And next time I will.

Terrible (possible lesbian) director,

Rosie

January 29, 2000 - 1:14 am

I completely forgot Mama's birthday— it was on the 15th! I'm a terrible person. What is wrong with me, I would NEVER forget Daddy's birthday. Ugh! She turned the big 4 - 0 and I forgot. What a screw up.

I am so afraid to call now. I spoke to her a week ago and she didn't say a word about it.

I am a terrible daughter.

January 30, 2000 - 5:12 pm

I call Mama to apologize. She says, "Haven't gotten caught up in a love affair have you?"

"A love affair!" Mind flying all over the place I finally blurt out, "Uh hello, is this my mother I'm talking to?"

"Baby, you are in college, a world away, you have every right and every opportunity to fall in love." She must have been drunk. She had to be, what else could explain her...friendliness. I had to shut it down.

"Mama, stop. There is no 'love affair' and even if there was, it's no excuse for forgetting your day of birth."

"I was just hoping you forgot for a good reason," she says.

Great. Now what was I gonna say? Just kidding, I DID forget your birthday for a good reason, I'm having a love affair with JUNE, in my head! No, you heard me right. June. Yes, she is in fact a girl with breasts and a vagina!

Instead I apologize 55 times. When I get on the phone with Daddy he whispers, "You forgot your Mama's birthday? I thought you talked to her."

So he's the one disappointed in me and Mama's hoping I'm having a love affair. My world is flipping upside down.

xRosie

P.S. I WILL be a better daughter. I WILL be a better daughter.

January 31, 2000 - 11:18 am

Overslept! Was up to 3 am for about 100 reasons, okay maybe three. Had to breakdown a play into beats, had to do laundry, had to write magnetic poetry on the fridge with June into the wee hours of the morning while Paige yelled at us to shut up so she could sleep.

I know.

But here's the thing . . . I'm kinda happy. Why would I stop being happy?

Who does that to themselves?

Rosie

February 20, 2000 - 4:44 am

Picture it, 2:10 am, music blaring. Yet another party in our apartment and June and I are dancing. It's close and intimate and actually happening, I can't believe that it's happening.

She finds my ear and says, "No matter what, you know you are first in my heart."

"You promise?"

She pulls back to look at me. To really look at me. She nods.

We hug, we dance, she kisses my face. We are so close. We dance, I hold her close, she sees that guy Chad she knows from her History of Modern Theater class. She goes over to say hi, they chat, they laugh. She's kissing him. She's making out with him. I'm frozen and moving at lightning speed to the kitchen. I stand there. June stumbles toward me, tells me she just made out with Chad. I know, I saw. She goes but I stand there. I drink a shot someone hands me. I stand there. She's back, she holds my hand, she's so drunk. I am too, but she's killing me.

I actually fucking love you! I don't say this. She wants a drink, she wants a cigarette, she wants a drink. I want a drink, I want to die. Lauryn Hill is wailing, "Killing Me Softly." Everyone is screaming it. Everyone but me. I'm still holding June's hand.

*         *         *

More to come... (♥_♥)

To all my fellow lezzies, gays, queers, pans, aces, transqueens, kings & everyone in between. I see you. <3

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Rosie's Diary. Copyright © 2013 Jai//Em

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