Rosie's Diary

Smoking

July 28, 2001 - 6:13 pm

Today June, Paige and I hit the town! No Dee, no Boss. (Although Boss had a beach day outfit—shorts, tank-top, Kangol hat, sunglasses—ready for me.) Hollywood hills, Venice beach, Santa Monica Pier, drinks in Malibu. We had a late lunch with AC in the neighborhood and then dropped her off at home before all the sightseeing. It was a great day and I'm glad it happened, but I am mentally exhausted. There was a lot of crying. Ugh.

It all started when Paige asked me if my dad would be joining us for lunch. Before I can open my mouth AC says, "No, unfortunately he's working today." She flat-out lies! And here's the thing. Even though I hadn't told them anything about my dad situation (which is lying by omission), I sure as hell wasn't going to let AC lie FOR ME, or more accurately, FOR HIM. So I rat his ass out. I tell them I lost both my parents, not just my mother because he's gone off the deep end and hasn't been home in a year. I thought AC was going to jump out of the moving car. And I get it. It's all kinds of fucked up, but I can't have my aunt lying to my friends, that's weird.

God bless Paige, she says, "Heeey, how about those Lakers?"

After a long pause AC answers. "I hate the Lakers. The Celtics? Now that's a team."

We ate without incident but as soon as we dropped AC off, June and Paige started shooting questions at me.

I spend a good five minutes talking around the issue before June says, "Why won't you talk to us, huh? What did we do, Rosie?"

"You didn't do anything I— "

"Then spit it out!" June huffed.

I tell them everything. Exactly how Kip and Mama died, how I was sitting with Daddy when it happened. I tell them what I went through solidified a hatred inside of me. That I don't want to be this angry, sad person I know I will be for the rest of my life; even when I have moments of happiness.

"Why didn't you tell us this?" June is bright red, but not quite crying.

"I don't know . . . I . . . "

"You should have told me!"

"I was . . . I . . . "

"You know I care about you, right?" June was so angry she'd forgotten Paige was in the car.

"Yyyyeah."

"So, do you trust me?"

"Yeah, sure, of course. But, I feel responsible."

"She had a heart attack!" June yells.

"Yes! Because me and Daddy were angry with her about Kip! Because I chose him over her! People survive heart attacks when they have someone to get them to a hospital, instead of sitting on the stoop comforting their stupid father completely unaware! SHE DIED 7 FEET AWAY FROM ME!"

"Eyes on the road," Paige says from behind me. I swerve a little before pulling over.

"My mother was upset about Kip and we should have known not make it worse being mad at her. That's why he left home, we let her die!"

June takes my shaking hand. "Your mom was a smoker. A CHAIN smoker. You remember when she came to visit end of freshman year? We were still hanging out with that Becca freak who used the word 'like' too much? And your mom was a walking smoke stack, so we made up a game to see if 'likes' or number of cigarettes would win, and your mom demolished her? She was a smoker, Rosie, unlike anything I've ever witnessed. I'm no doctor, but I'm gonna guess her heart was in no condition for any stress at all. You understand what I'm saying?"