Rosie's Diary

Just Like Him

June 12, 2001 - 9:44 pm

AC just got back from dinner with Lorraine. She didn't say much to me when she went to the back room and it reminded me of when I used to spend time with June. After it was over, I didn't want to immediately interact with anyone else or do anything that might take me out of that state of bliss. I wanted to ride it as long as I could before coming back down to earth.

Isn't it awesome when you witness someone being in love with someone else?

June 13, 2001 - 10:09 pm

After trying my best to squeeze more than, Lorraine and I had a nice time, from AC this morning I stretch out on the couch and set about flipping through TV channels. I am absolutely looking forward to doing a whole bunch of nothing when out of the corner of my eye I see AC pick up the kitchen phone, make to dial and then hang up before heading to her room. Maybe 5 minutes later she emerges and says she's going out for a bit. So, OF COURSE, I'm thinking it's a rendezvous with Lorraine. I'm grinning from here to next Tuesday and AC immediately goes, "Don't get your hopes up."

"Of course I'm getting my hopes up! This is wonderful!"

"Yes, it is, but we need to respect his needs."

"Wait, what? Okay, I thought you were . . . If you're going to see my father I am coming with you."

"No, now you stay here."

"NO WAY. Why can't I come? You can't tell me I can't go."

She didn't argue.

He's in one of those extended stay places with the separate bedroom and a little kitchenette. Frankly it's a hole-in-the-wall, but the place looks like the Ritz compared to what my father looks like. He's . . .

Okay, he hasn't shaved since, I don't know, my mother died? It's like we walked in on a homeless black Dumbledore. No lie, he stinks like New York City sidewalk piss on a hot summer day. He's staring at the floor, not moving a muscle. And the room is trashed! If the housekeepers gets one glance into the room he is out on the street with hefty fees.

But guess what! AC walks in and immediately starts picking up the loose trash and putting it into the waste bin. She already knew how fucked up the situation was! I am mouth hanging wide open, speechless, and she is cleaning up like it's just another Tuesday.

"Jacob?," AC says in her best nursing home care provider voice. "Some one is here to see you."

He slowly turns his head. His eyes connect with mine, and he says, "Sara? Sara, honey?—"

"You've got to be kidding me!" I bellow. AC drops the items in her hand and comes at me in a flash.

"Rosalee, you—"

"NO! This, CRAZY MAN here thinks he can do whatever the FUCK he wants and cry when he calls me at school and upset me and then not shave and pretend he's seeing Mama's ghosts and shit when he knows, HE KNOWS it's me!" AC is begging me to stop but I can't. "Let me tell you what's going to happen. You are going to be the person I NEED YOU TO BE. You're going to shave and bathe and TRY dammit! Fucking try." Then I turn on AC. "And you! Stop enabling the man. You're pretending he's FINE while he's trying to lose his mind?"

I storm out of that sad, nasty room and AC meets me at the car five minutes later.

"I'm sorry, but . . . that shit was too much."

"It's my fault. I didn't prepare you."

We get in the car and don't speak another word until we pull into the driveway.

"Aunt Conny? Has he been staring at the floor like that for a year?"

"It got bad in the last couple months. I didn't want you—"

"It's okay. I wouldn't know how to tell me either." AC cut the engine. "It's because I left him."

"No, honey. Had you been home or not, he would have lost himself."

"Noooo, ALL of this is my fault." I put my hands on my face and groan. "And I said 'fuck' like a hundred times." AC pats my back.

"He . . . " She chuckles a little. "As soon as you left, he got in the shower." Then AC bursts into laughter. She's crying, but she's laughing.

Guilt washes over me again. Had I known what she'd was dealing with while I was at school, I would have been different. I would have tried to help her. I would have answered when she called. I start to cry hard. "I didn't help you. I haven't asked once how you are doing since I've been home. I hate myself. I hate the last year of my life . . . I wanted everything to end. I was waiting for it all to go away and be over, I'm sorry."

"Oh, baby." She pulls me close and kisses my forehead. "You and your father are . . . I know it's hard to see him like that. He's given up. But you knew he needed a fire lit under him. I couldn't see it, but you did. You did right."

"You helped me," I sputter. AC looks at me confused. "Right after she died you cleaned me up and smiled and took care of me even though I was shouting and calling you names. You never yelled back. You did that for me. And I left you. I ran away just like him and I'm sorry. Thank you for trying to help me."

"Oh, baby. You're welcome."

(ꈍ ‸ ꈍ✿)

More to come...

To all my fellow lezzies, gays, queers, pans, aces, transqueens, kings & everyone in between. I see you. <3

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Rosie's Diary. Copyright © 2013 Jai//Em

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