Rosie's Diary

Previously Gay

May 30, 2001 - 3:06 am

Hi. I cant sleep because this whole previously gay thing is like a tornado in my soul. It's so fucked up. How does she accept that? I can't accept it, I can't even process it.

Once you realize it, how do you go back? She knows she's in denial, right? It makes me wish I came out to Paige and all my friends the second I knew I was a lesbian because I don't want them to think I'm in denial or ashamed of it. The ONLY reason I didn't say anything right away was because it was all so new. I was just happy knowing myself. Then everything happened and, of course, it wasn't a priority, but . . . I could have told Paige a hundred times in the past month alone and I don't know why I didn't . . .

May 31, 2001 - 2:20 am

Maybe I was hiding it from Paige. Maybe I let my parents get in my head.

June 1, 2001 - 11:25 am

Before I could change my mind, I picked up the phone and dialed:

Paige: Why HELLO, stranger! I've been calling you.

Me: Paige?

Paige: Rosie? Why are you using my name? Are you being held hostage?

Me: What?

Paige: You said my name all official like. Is someone there? Nod if so.

Me: But you can't see me.

Paige: Right, okay, if you're under duress, press the star key now.

Me: Paige, guess what, I'm a lesbian.

Paige: (Gasping) No!

Me: Yes.

Paige: YES!!!! You are the first person to ever come out to me!

Me: That's . . . great!

Paige: Am I the first person you came out to?

Me: Uhh . . . well, no. Technically I told my therapist first.

Paige: Therapists don't count.

Me: Then . . . yeah. You're the first person I've told. (Loud,

squealing, maniacal laughter echoes thru the phone.)You're

very happy. (More laughter and a snort.) Paige? Is

this information killing you?

Paige: It's rejuvenated my soul, Rosalee! I'm honored you

would share something so special and personal with me

first. And as 1st lieutenant of your lesbianism I swear fealty

to you always. I'm here for you and I cannot wait to help you get up

on some chicks! (Yet another loud squeal echoes through the phone.)

Me: Paige, where are you?

Paige: The Guggenheim. Why?

Everything is so severely fucked up and weird in my life. But I will not let my parents make me scared to be truthful to my friends. I will not be in denial about who I am. I will not hide.

June 2, 2001 - 4:24 am

Hey. Still not in bed. I can't turn off my brain.

You know what I realized? Lorraine saved my life. If she hadn't come over when she did I would have continued my death quest. That drunken final note scares the fuck out of me. I want to tear it out and burn it, but I'm leaving it in because I want it to remind me of what I must never do again.

I don't have to give up because of my father. I told Mama I needed to try and I think she wants me to, despite him. More than that, I think she wants me to be happy. When Lorraine hugged me it was the first time I thought of my mother and was happy at the same time. And since that hug, I don't feel razor sharp. I've been . . . awake. I almost mean that literally because I can't seem to sleep lately. Lorraine woke me up.

And when she called me Rosalinda . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Well, it proves AC thinks of Lorraine all the time, and I don't want to take that away from her. AC is all I have right now and I want her to be happy. She can call me Rosalinda if it reminds her of the woman who saved my life.

June 5, 2001 - 3:55 am

Another restless night. I think AC is still up too.

June 7, 2001 - 3:24 am

I have this feeling that at any moment Mama is going to walk in and tell me to go bed. All I have to do is sit here and wait for her to come.

For real. I'm waiting for her to walk in. And I don't know if I would see her and believe she is alive, or see her and know she is a ghost. Maybe both answers are correct.

I sound crazy. I feel crazy. I am so tired, I can't sleep between these walls. This house makes noises I don't remember.

* * *

(♥_♥)

More to come...

To all my fellow lezzies, gays, queers, pans, aces, transqueens, kings & everyone in between. I see you. <3

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Rosie's Diary. Copyright © 2013 Jai//Em

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