Rosie's Diary

Oh My God

August 7, 2001 - 9:20 am

I went to see my father. . .

He opens the door without hesitation but he doesn't embrace me this time. He's clean and clean-shaven. The windows are open and the room is spotless. He has a newspaper spread out on the coffee table.

"Hey, can we talk?"

"You get my message on your birthday? You didn't pick up."

"Yeah. I got it. Thanks."

"Did you have a nice day?"

"Yep."

"I'm glad to hear it."

"So, can we talk, Dad?"

He pushes all his air out of his body and turns off the TV. He doesn't sit.

"I want you to know I'm sorry. What you are going through, it's not fair to assume you should handle it one way or another and I wanted to explain WHY I reacted the way I did. It's, see, some of what you did, I didn't see as . . . fatherly. And I needed you. I didn't know what to do."

"Your Mama kept this all together. You and I got to be friends and she handled everything else, you understand? And she was good at it. She knew you wanted that cell phone even when I told her there was no way you wanted one of those things and certainly not a purple one. Boy was I wrong, you shot through the roof . . . She was good at seeing what you were about even though I was the one you got along with. And when she . . . well, the first thought in my head was, I don't know what Rosalee needs. I tried to talk to you and it was clear, it wasn't gonna fly. And I didn't know what to do."

"So you lost your mind? You call me at school every other day crying into the phone, I come home and find you in living here, deep in crazy? It scares me. I am always gonna be the little girl who reacts to her father. If you lose it, then I lose it. I need you to figure this out."

"You don't need me to be strong. You're a rock, like your aunt."

"I'm not AC, okay. Especially with this because . . . listen, I need you to understand, I am not kidding around when I say looking at you makes me relive that day. I now understand we didn't cause it, but we didn't help her either, I didn't save her because I was with you . . . it's all I can think about sometimes."

"You were on the stoop with me because you cared, your mother knew that. She doesn't blame you and you shouldn't blame yourself. The Lord decides when it's time."

"Oh, please," I whisper, shaking my head. "Don't bring God into this. I can't—"

"I will bring God into this. God is the reason we're on this earth. Now, has the time you've spent away from the church ruined your relationship with Christ?"

"I don't want to discuss this."

"What do you need to discuss?"

"I don't believe in this stuff the way you do, Daddy, okay!"

He looks horrified. "Are you telling me you don't believe the Lord Jesus Christ is your savior?"

"Religion. It doesn't make a lot of sense to me."

"You're serious?"

"Yyyyeah . . . Look, if we were Muslim, wouldn't you have raised me to read and follow the words of the Koran?"

Mouth gaping silence.

"Daddy, it's a serious question. Our lives could have started on the other side of the world as Muslims and you'd be telling me the Koran is the holy book."

"The Bible—"

"The Bible cannot be the ONE true way to be a good person for the ENTIRE WORLD!"

"I can't believe I'm hearing this from you. Your faith in God is your salvation."

"My faith in your God is optional. And I know that truth kills you . . . you don't need to worry about—

"Rosalee, as long as you don't accept Jesus Christ as your personal savior, I worry."

He waits for me to respond. Like after ALL I just said to him I was going to go, Ya know what, sure! Why the hell not. Hallelujah!  "Daddy, I . . . There are better, more urgent things I'd prefer you worry about when it comes to me."

"God help you."

"But he doesn't help me, Daddy. He helps YOU. Why can't that be enough?"

I open the door and leave.

> > >

When I get home, I tell AC to pour herself some gin. I get my tequila and a lime. As we sip, I relay the details of the convo.

"Let me get this straight," AC says. "You didn't ask him to come home. You didn't yell at him. Instead you told him you don't believe in God?"

"I had no intention of him ever knowing anything about it, but he asked and it was in the context of Mama's death being a part of God's plan...and I went off."

"Well," AC says, raising her glass. "He'll be home tomorrow."

She was right. Daddy came home this morning. HA!

11:48 am

A part of me wanted to believe he came to his senses, but he's here not because it's the right place for him to be. He's not here because he has a sister and a daughter to respect and love and take care of. He believes his very presence will keep me faithful to God. I could give a shit about God right now, I want him. I want him to understand what I am going through, I want him to hold on to me, because of what happened, NOT BECAUSE I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD! Why couldn't he fucking come home because I need him?

* * *

(ﾉ'ヮ')ﾉ*: ･ﾟ

More to come...

To all my fellow lezzies, gays, queers, pans, aces, transqueens, kings & everyone in between. I see you. <3

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