Rosie's Diary

Strength

June 21, 2001 - 7:17 pm

Woke up this morning feeling good. Lorraine and AC's epic love story was floating in my mind, and I remembered that I am proud to be who I am. I wanted to keep feeling powerful. I wanted to take control of all the other things swirling around in my soul; to lock them down in my heart and use them to ground to me.

So, I went over to the motel to see Daddy, this time without AC.

I knock on the door and wait . . . Knock again and wait. He's there; he's looking through the peephole, trying to decide what to do.

"Dad, I can see your shadow underneath the door."

He pulls it slowly open.

He's clean-shaved, showered and his eyes look clear. The room is tidy although all the trashcans from each room are shoved together in the kitchen and overflowing. The place only smells slightly musty.

"Hey, I am hoping we can talk. Aunt Conny isn't here."

When he embraces me he squeezes so tight it hurts my boobs. I don't hug him back. "Rosalee, my girl, you can't imagine how sorry I am. I've let you down."

"Can I open a window?" I ask, moving as far away from him as possible.

"I got it, sit down," he says practically dashing to the window. I sit down. His extremely accommodating demeanor freaks me out.

"Why haven't you come home, Daddy?"

"I, uh..." He wants to sit next to me but decides against it. "I don't know if you will ever understand this, but your mother and I lived our lives in that house. To be there without her is impossible. The only thing I've done right after all this was leave."

"Why didn't you call when I got home and tell me this? AC said you were camping."

"Now, I did not tell Constance to lie."

"What was she supposed to do, you weren't there and you didn't call?"

"And I am truly sorry for that, Rosie. I didn't know what to say and—"

"The truth!"

"I'd gone off the deep end and hadn't slept a wink since she passed?"

"Sounds good to me."

"I tried calling you at school and you hung up the phone—"

"You were crying and upsetting me in front of everyone. Before that, when I was here, you wouldn't talk to me!"

"You were held up in your room."

"That hasn't stopped you before!"

"There is no rule book! I was not prepared for your mother to have a heart attack—"

"While I sat on the porch with YOU!" I scream. His instinct is to comfort me but as he moves toward me I stand up. "NO! I can't. I . . . I came here for . . . don't you get it? I chose you." The emotions hit me all at once and I couldn't stop the thoughts from racing out of my mouth. "We sat on the porch and I comforted you about Kippy and I pushed her away in order to be there for you. My whole life; it was you! And she died alone, knowing we blamed her for Kip's death. She died knowing I was on your side, and I barely want to live when I think about her in the kitchen alone. When I see you, when I hear your voice, I remember the fucking choice I made."

"Watch your language!"

"Okay! Who cares?"

"I care!"

"Well I don't!" My face is slick with tears, I can't catch my breath, but I hold my ground. "I do NOT care about the word, 'fuck.' Can we please get back to Mama and you can be upset about swearing another—"

"God help you, child."

"Fooorget it!" I moan heading for the door. "I am here talking to you, expressing myself about this and, you know what? You remember this. When your daughter was trying to talk to you about her mother's death, you were more concerned about cursing." I slam the door shut and kick it hard. "FUCK!" I shout one last time before kicking the door again.

I was in a good place. I felt strong. And I took that over to my father and let him take it away from me.

* * *

(ꈍ ‸ ꈍ✿)

More to come...

To all my fellow lezzies, gays, queers, pans, aces, transqueens, kings & everyone in between. I see you. <3

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Rosie's Diary. Copyright © 2013 Jai//Em

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