Shattered

Chapter 5

            Who knew my entire world would crumple with just two words. He's gone. The pain I felt daily was nothing compared to the pain I felt now. My rock. My brother was gone. I had no one. No one to be there for me when things got bad at home. No one to turn to.
I shuddered, I felt cold, despite Tyler's warm body pressed up against mine as he stood next to me with his arms wrapped around me. Beside us was the room Matthew's lifeless body was and I felt my eyes water.
"October, do you want to come in and say goodbye?" the nurse, whose name was Ericka, asked as she peeked her head out of the door.
"No," I said. "I don't want to see him that way."
She gave Tyler a worried look, but said nothing as she closed the door.
"October!" Delaney's voice shouted my name. "I've been looking everywhere for you! You could've waited until I found a parking spot before you just jumped out of the car like that! You could've kill..."
"Hold on," Tyler said. "She doesn't need to hear this right now. She just lost her brother."
Delaney paused and her eyes widened with shock as her eyes fell on me before saying, "I'm so...sorry."
I didn't answer, instead at just stared at her as I tried to come to terms with what had happened.
Internal bleeding. He died from internal bleeding. How could he not know he had internal bleeding? He went to medical school! How could he not know!?!
Anger coursed through my veins and I clenched my hands into fists at my side, but no one seemed to notice.
"Tyler," Ericka's voice called from the door. "Can you come in here for a moment?"
Tyler's arms disappeared and he walked over to where Ericka was standing before walking into the room.
"He'll only be a minute," she said to me, but I didn't acknowledge her.
She closed the door and I heard the muffled sounds of their voices in deep conversation. I looked down and turned to face Delaney. She gave me a sad look and walked up to me with tears threatening to spill down her cheeks.
"I'm so sorry," she whispered. "I'm here for you if you need me."
I just nodded and her eyes trailed down to my hands. Her eyes widened and a look of horror crossed her features.
"Your arm!" she exclaimed. "It's bleeding!"
I looked down at the fresh cut I had inflicted on myself earlier with a medical scalpel and shrugged. Using a scalpel probably wasn't the best idea. It cut deeper than the razor I used back home and it didn't hurt as bad.
Should've waited until I got home.
"I'll heal," I muttered. "I just accidentally cut myself when I passed out."
She stared at my hand as I pulled my sleeve down and tucked my hand into my pocket.
"I hope you're going to be okay, October. I know he was your rock," she murmured. "You two had such a strong bond."
He wasn't just my rock. He was the only reason I hadn't killed myself and now that reason was gone.
"He was more than that," I whispered looking down.
"I know."
No, you don't.
"I have to take Nicholas home," she said. "Do you want me to take you home? Or do you want to stay here and wait for your parents to come?"
"Just take Nicholas home," I muttered.
"Okay, October. I will text you later," she said before giving me a tight hug. "I love you, girl."
"Yeah," I muttered as she turned around and walked down the hallway.
The door opened and Tyler walked out with a folded piece of paper in his hand. He walked up to me and I stared at him.
"Hey. We...uh..." he trailed off when his voice cracked. "...we found this in his pocket."
I looked down at the folded piece of paper that he was holding in his trembling hands before taking it and opening it. It was a note.
October,
I'm sorry I won't have the chance to tell you this in person. The amount of blood flooding my system is nearing fatal and by the time they take me back it will be too late, but I just want you to know that everything you've ever told me about what mom and dad have done to you, I believed. I know it seemed like I didn't, but I did. I guess I pretended not to so that I wouldn't have to confront them and end up in jail. Stupid excuse, yeah, I know. I love you, October, more than anything and please promise me that you won't harm yourself after I'm gone. Be happy. If you ever need anything, Tyler will be there for you. He's a great guy.
~Matthew
I stared at the note as tears spilled down my cheeks before letting the note fall to the floor.
He knew. He knew.
"He knew," I whispered.
"He knew what?" Tyler asked bending down to pick up the paper.
"He knew he had internal bleeding," I answered looking at him as more tears spilled down my cheeks. "And he still chose to leave me here alone."
"There was no way he could've known that," he said calmly.
I glared at him before saying, "Read the note."
"October, I can't..."
"Read it!" I snapped.
"No," he murmured handing me the note back. "What's written in this note is for your eyes and your eyes only. Do you have a ride home? Ericka said that she couldn't get in contact with your parents."
I shook my head and he eyed me for a moment before saying, "Do you even want to go home?"
"What makes you think I don't?" I asked raising one eyebrow.
"Well, when I asked you if you had a ride home, you got this look on your face almost like fear or something. Is everything alright at home?"
No, it's horrible and it's going to be worse now that Matthew is dead. They are going to take every emotion they feel out on me.
"Yeah," I lied as I slowly started to walk down the hallway.
He fell in step beside me as I walked through the double doors and out into the waiting room. The room was practically empty except for an elderly woman and her husband who had a breathing mask over his nose. Both were dozing in each other's arms. The elderly woman looked up as I walked by her and gave me a warming smile. Somehow, I manage to give one back and she closed her eyes again. As we walked outside, I stopped when I realized it was raining and that darkness had befallen us.
"It's dark," I said.
"Well, yeah. We've been here all day," he answered as he stood beside me. "Wait here, I'm going to go get my car."
I watched as he sprinted out into the rain and disappeared down a row of cars. As I waited for him, a silver truck pulled up to the door and skidded to a stop. I watched as a man with a green mohawk, tattoos on every piece of exposed skin, except for his face, and several piercings on his face jumped out. He rushed around to the passenger side and opened the door revealing a girl with black and purple hair, tattoos all over her arms, a couple of piercings on either side of her mouth, and a swollen torso. I could tell by her facial expression that she was in labor and the pain she felt was unbearable.
"Hang on baby, we're almost there," her boyfriend, I assume, whispered as he helped her inside.
A few seconds later, a black car pulled up behind the truck and the horn sounded. I walked down to the car to see Tyler sitting in the car. I opened the door and got in before closing the door and leaning against the window.
"Are you cold?" he asked.
"A little," I answered.
He reached for the heat and turned it on before backing up and pulling around the truck. The drive was quiet and seemed longer than usual as we drove through the darkness and torrent of rain.
"I don't know if this means anything or not, but your brother was a good guy," he said after a while.
"I know. He had a good heart," I muttered.
"He talked about you a lot."
I looked at him then. I could barely make out his facial features in the dimness of the car. The only times I could was when another car passed us.
"Did he now?"
"Yeah," he answered. "He always talked about how pretty you were and how much you meant to him. He would always tell me that he would risk life and limb for you. Well, he didn't say it as calmly as that. He often said it like, 'I swear if anyone fucks with my little sister, I will risk life and limb for her! She means the world to me!'"
Before I could stop myself, I laughed and said, "Not a bad impersonation of my brother. That sounds like something he would say."
"Well," he murmured. "I'm glad I could make you laugh. I don't like seeing anyone look so dreary."
"Yeah well, I don't smile or laugh much. I honestly think tonight is the first night in a while," I muttered looking out of the window at the darkness.
"Seriously? How come? You have a beautiful laugh."
"Thank you," I said sheepishly. "But if you lived the life that I live, you would find that I don't have much to smile or laugh about. In fact, I don't have anything to smile or laugh about now that my brother is gone."
He was silent for a moment and took the opportunity to glance over at him as a car was passing him. His facial expression was introspective and I couldn't help but wonder what he was thinking. Then, his expression changed and before I had a chance to see what it was, his face fell into darkness again.
"You know, he's never truly gone, right?" he said. "He's always going to be with you. Even when you can't see him. I don't know if I'm saying this right. I hope I am, but when someone is in your heart, they're never truly gone. They can come back to you, even at unlikely times."
"Where did you hear that?" I asked.
"Something I...uh...saw on Google a few months ago. What? Was it bad?" he asked.
"No, it wasn't bad at all, but I don't think this is an instance in which that quote applies," I answered.
"How not?"
"That's more of if someone was to break up with you," I said.
"Well, I can see why you would say that, but it depends on how you look at it. Like I said, the dead is never truly gone. Your brother will always be with you. Watching over you. He didn't leave you alone."
I stared at his dark face for a long moment before saying, "Make this turn right here."
He turned down the long driveway that led to my house and as we pulled up in my yard, I was relieved to see that the house was dark.
"It doesn't look like anyone is home. Are you sure you are okay being here alone?" he asked.
Lights off doesn't mean that no one is home, it means that they are either asleep or that they are just sitting in the dark grieving. Just waiting for me to walk through the door so that they can unleash hell upon me.
"I will be fine," I said as I opened the door and got out of the car. "Thanks for the ride home."
"No problem. Here, you might want to keep this in case you need anything," he murmured handing me Matthew's phone.
"Thanks."
"My number is in there so if you need anything just let me know. I made a promise to your brother."
I stared at him before saying, "And what promise is that?"
He just smiled and pulled off leaving me to face the impending storm that was waiting for me just on the other side of my front door. I took a few deep breaths as I walked up to the door and opened it.
"Where the hell have you been?" my father's voice made me jump and I slowly turned around to face the direction his voice sounded from just in time to see him lighting a cigarette.
"At the hospital," I answered.
"Why?" my mother's shrill voice sounded from the kitchen.
"I was with Matthew," I answered using his phone to find my way to the stairs.
"Hold on a minute," my father said. "What the hell was he doing there?"
"Maybe you beat him worse than you thought," my mother said harshly before laughing.
"He's dead!" I snapped. "He died from internal bleeding!"
My mother's laughter faded and I heard my dad get up from the couch. I gasped when I felt a sharp pain in my jaw. It took me a few seconds to realize that I had been slapped.
"You're lying!" my mother snapped, her shrill voice was directly in my ear making me cringe.
"Yeah mother, I'm lying about my brother's death! Just like I so-call lied about seducing dad! I don't lie about shit like that!" I yelled.
Before I could react, I was on the floor with my jaw throbbing and my mother screaming at me about how much of a liar I was while my father cracked his knuckles.
"You're serious about him being dead?" he asked, still cracking his knuckles.
"What does it matter?" I asked picking myself up off the floor. "It won't change anything. It won't bring him back and it won't make you two treat me any better."
He was silent for a moment and I half expected him to hit me, but to my intense surprise he picked up Matthew's phone and scrolled through the messages before saying, "She's telling the truth."
My mother gasped and I looked up at her face in the phone-lit room as her mouth dropped and tears spilled down her cheeks as she dropped to her knees beside me.
"NO!! MY BABY!!"
I stared at her as my father handed me back Matthew's phone.
"Go to your room," he ordered.
Without another word, I walked by him and up to my room. I closed my door and sat down on the bed and buried my face into my hands. I cried hard. Harder than I ever cried in my life. Through the tears, I glanced over at my dresser and before I realized it, I had a razor in my hand. I picked up the razor and examined it.
"You left me alone!" I shouted placing the razor against my arm. "If you truly are here, show me! Prove to me that you didn't leave me here alone! Prove to me that you aren't gone!"
I waited for something to happen, but nothing did and for the first time since I started cutting, I cut diagonally.