Shattered

Chapter 28

            My vision blurred as I sat on the bathroom floor with a razor in my right hand and blood pouring from the deep cuts I had inflicted not even ten minutes ago. At the door, Mya whined and scrambled to get in, but all she could do was stick her nose under it.
"Go away, Mya," I said.
An angry growl came from her, but I ignored it and looked down at the pills I had taken. Zantac, Tylenol, Advil, Aleve, and some proscription pills I had found behind Keith's mirror.
What are you doing?
"Ending my life. I can't take it anymore," I answered.
You idiot! What's Keith going to think when he finds you like this!?!
"I don't care."
You don't care!?! Why are you even doing this? Is it because of what happened at your mother's funeral?
I frowned and took another Zantac pill before saying, "I've lost everything."
You have not lost everything! You have Ericka, Delaney, Keith, and that poor creature that has been trying to get in here since you locked her out! They care about you!
"No they don't!" I yelled.
The sound of footsteps made me look up at the door. Mya's attempts to get in was replaced by Keith's voice.
"October? Are you alright? What's going on?" he asked.
He tried to open the door, but it was locked, so there was no way he was going to get in.
See, he cares about you! Let him in!
I laughed and he kicked the door open. His eyes widened and his mouth dropped when he saw me.
"Mya, stay back!" he ordered as he walked up to me with his hands help up defensively. "October, what is this? What are you doing to yourself?"
"Isn't it obvious?" I asked my vision blurring again. "I'm ending it."
"Why?" he asked, the look on his face was one I had never seen except when he was telling me Mya's story.
"I don't want to live anymore after what happened at my mother's funeral. My father humiliated me in front of all those people."
He stared at me before saying, "You mean the people you've never seen before until that day? October, why are you letting that get to you?"
"What do you mean?" I asked as my stomach started to churn.
"What he did to you. If you let that get to you then you're just letting him know that he has won."
I shrugged before saying, "At this point, I don't care. Let him win. I give up."
He sighed heavily and stood up before walking out of the bathroom.
We have to admit, usually we are the ones telling you to give up and end your life, but this time we're telling you not to! That man cares about you and he's right! Now throw those pills up!
"No."
Suddenly, my stomach churned and I scrambled to get to the trashcan, but before I could, I heaved and threw up every pill I had taken all over the floor.
Perfect timing.
"Shut...up!" I choked out as more bile spilled onto the floor at Mya's paws.
"October!" Keith exclaimed rushing to my side.
I looked up at him as he handed me the trashcan, but it was too late. I was already done.
"I'm..." I trailed off as black spots crowded my vision. "...sorry."
He sighed heavily as everything faded away.

~O~

When I opened my eyes, I felt extremely weak and my mouth tasted horrible. I looked around, thinking I was in the bedroom, but I was in the living room lying across Keith's lap.
How'd I get here? What happened?
Mya, who was chewing on her bone, looked up at me and barked.
"What is it, Mya?" Keith asked.
I stirred and sat up slowly.
"Oh, you're awake," he said, his voice was emotionless.
"Yeah," I answered.
"How do you feel?" he asked. "I did the best I could to patch you up."
"Patch me up?" I echoed. "What do you..." I trailed off when I saw the bandages on my arms. "...oh."
"You don't remember doing that?" he asked.
"No...I do," I said looking down. "I was upset."
Mya walked up to me and whined.
"I locked you out," I whispered petting her. "And ordered you to go away. I'm sorry."
She licked my hand and I looked up at Keith who was staring at the television, but clearly not seeing it.
"Is that all you can remember?" he asked.
"Yes, I don't remember anything after I threw up on the floor," I admitted.
"You threw up on me after I bandaged you up. I had to shower and carry you to the bed, but I was afraid to leave you alone after the number of pills you took and I wasn't about to sleep with you so I brought you in here," he said.
"I'm sorry," I apologized.
"You should be!" he snapped suddenly angry and I couldn't blame him. "You could've died, but of course you don't care about that. It's what you want isn't it?"
I opened my mouth to speak, but before I could, he stood up and said, "Of course it is. You don't care about anything else except ending your life!"
I stared after him as he walked into the kitchen before looking down at my arms.
You're following in the same dangerous footsteps as someone else and you don't even realize it.
How do you figure?
Think about it. You don't care about anything. Not even Keith. Sounds familiar? You put your own selfish desires before everyone else's.
I gasped when I realized whose footsteps I was following in.
My parents.
I looked at Mya who tilted her head to the side to stare at me before getting up and walking into the kitchen, once I had my balance.
"Keith," I said, my voice was barely a whisper. "I'm sorry."
"Is that all you have to say for yourself?"
I nodded. I didn't know what else to say to him. I couldn't imagine how I must've looked to him. Sitting on the floor covered in blood and surrounded by pills.
He turned to face me and stared at me before saying, "October, I do accept your apology, but do you understand why I'm so angry with you?"
"I have a hunch. You're angry with me because you told me back at the station to repair my life, but instead I'm still trying to end it."
"Well," he said turning around to grab two eggs out of the egg carton resting on the counter behind him. "That's part of the reason. The other half is because..." he trailed off and placed the eggs on the counter beside him.
"Because what?" I pressed.
"Forget it, just don't do anything like that again," he answered, his voice sounded strange. "I couldn't bear it."
I opened my mouth to speak, but I thought better of it as I turned around and walked back into the living room. I sat down on the sofa and stared down at my bandaged arms.
Give him some time, he will talk to you when he's ready, but you can't imagine what went through his head when he saw you like that. Don't forget, he's a cop. I'm sure he's seen plenty of drug overdose cases.
Maybe so, but what does that have to do with me?
We don't know, but we do know one thing, you better get yourself together. If not, you will find yourself going down the same path your mother took.
I don't want to be like her.
Then you better get it together, October. We won't be around forever to keep you from doing stupid things. Soon we'll stop trying to talk you out of idiotic decisions and let you suffer the consequences.
Why?
There was no answer and I sighed heavily causing Mya to walk up to me and place her head on my lap. I petted her and she wagged her tail before licking my hands and arm. I winced as her tongue brushed over the bandages and she whined softly.
"It's okay. I'm fine," I told her as I scratched her behind the ears. "I'll heal."
She let out a playful bark before rolling over onto her belly. I rubbed her belly and smiled before looking up when I felt Keith watching me. He was staring at me with an unreadable expression on his face before turning away. I stared at him for a few moments before looking down at Mya who was wagging her tail ferociously and had her tongue lolling out of her mouth with an excited expression on her face.
"Who's a good girl?" I said rubbing her belly faster.
She let out an excited bark before jumping on my lap and licking me all over my face.
"Mya..." I said around the onslaught of her attacks. "Down girl down."
After a few more licks, she made herself comfortable on my lap and I placed my hand on her head as I looked down at her.
"Keith," I called.
"What?" he answered.
"Where did you hide the...pills?" I asked not meeting his gaze.
"Somewhere you will never find them. Why?"
I looked up at him then to see that he had his arms folded tightly across his chest before saying, "Because I don't want another repeat of what happened last night."
"There won't be any more repeats," he muttered before turning away from me.
His words made an uneasy feeling come over me and for a moment I sat in silence wondering what he meant by it.
He means he'll do whatever it takes to keep you from reverting back to your old habits.
Fear shot through me.
Whatever it takes? Does that mean, he would hit me? Will this truly turn out to be another Tyler situation?
Tears spilled down my cheeks as memories of what Tyler put me through resurfaced. I shuddered causing Mya to look up at me. I wiped away my tears and smiled at her, but underneath my smile, was the increasing fear of what was to come in the future.