Shattered

Chapter 32

            I shuddered as I stared down at the long cuts I left along my arms. They weren't the harmless kind, but the kind that would end my life if I was to cut any deeper than I already had. I never thought I would feel this way. Who knew a letter could make you feel so useless, so less of a person. I've felt depressed before, but this was different. The pain I felt was too much to cope with. I wanted to escape it, but I couldn't. It was like a dark cloud that formed immediately after reading the letter and has followed me ever since. It felt like it was eating me from the inside out.
I reluctantly looked up at my face, afraid of what I looked like. Surprisingly, I looked fine. No signs of depression were showing, but no doubt about it, I could feel it. The only thing that really showed was the dark circles from the lack of sleep I had gotten last night. Even with Keith holding me against him I couldn't fall asleep. All I kept thinking about was the hurtful words I read in my father's letter.
I was hoping your neck was broken. I should've told David to kill you after he raped you. You deserve death!
I fell forward, catching myself on the porcelain sink and bowed my head, shoulders shaking. Blood trickled down my arms and into the sink as a sense of déjà vu swept over me. Haunting memories of all the nights I spent in the bathroom in my hell holes, struggling to keep breathing. Yet my body sagged with exhaustion and numbness. Who knew numbness could be so agonizing?
My eyes hurt from all the tears I had shed and I desperately wanted to cry more, but I couldn't. I was empty. This was also a feeling I knew all too well. The sadness still lingered, but it was no longer raw like it was when I first read the letter. I felt like Keith could walk in and surprise me with the most amazing presents and I wouldn't feel a thing.
I slowly sunk to the floor in front of the sink and pulled my knees up to my chest. I wanted to scream at the top of my lungs, but I knew it wouldn't do anything, except wake up Keith and that was the last thing I wanted to do. Although, I knew it wouldn't be long before he would be getting up and I knew what he was going to find. Me broken, and covered in blood. No doubt he would be angry with me for breaking my promise to him, but did I really care? Did I feel anything? Am I even still alive? I feel so empty. So dead.
Why are you doing this to yourself?
I picked up the razor and placed it against my skin. I was about to add another cut to my already fifteen when I heard the door open and a gasp.
"October! What the hell!?!" he shouted grabbing the razor from me and throwing it across the room cutting his hand in the process. "Why are you doing this to yourself!?!"
I didn't answer, instead, I just stared at him.
"Answer me!" he snapped, his eyes watering.
"I'm sorry," was all I could say.
"YOU PROMISED ME!!" he yelled clenching his hands into fists at his side. "YOU PROMISED ME YOU WOULDN'T DO THIS ANYMORE!! WHY ARE YOU DOING THIS!?!"
"It's what my father wants," I answered. "It's what I deserve."
He sat down in front of me with his hands still clenched into fists before saying, "You promised me that you wouldn't let that letter get to you."
I opened my mouth to speak, but before I could, Mya walked into the bathroom with an excited look on her face, but she stopped dead when she saw me and whined.
"MYA, LEAVE!!" Keith snapped.
She whined in protest, but obeyed him.
"I'm sorry, Keith," I repeated looking down at his hands. "If you want to hit me, go ahead."
He unclenched his fists and sucked in a breath.
"Why?" he said, his voice was barely above a whisper. "Look at me!"
I reluctantly raised my head and met his heartbroken glare just as a tear spilled down his cheek.
"Why what?"
"Are you really going to throw your life away because of something some son of a bitch said to you?" he asked, his voice cracking. "Do I mean nothing to you? Was everything you told me yesterday a lie?"
"What do you mean?"
He shook his head and looked down before saying, "You told me you loved me, yet you're doing this to yourself. Was that a lie?"
The question broke me and more tears spilled down my cheeks, but they did nothing to soothe the pain in my eyes.
"No," I whispered. "It wasn't a lie at all."
"Then why!?! You are so much stronger than this! Why do you let things like this pull you back into your old ways!?!" he demanded.
"I'm weak," I whispered.
He looked up at me then and said, "You are not weak! I can..." he trailed off. "...I can help you."
He extended his hand out towards me, but I swatted his hand away before saying, "You can't help me."
"Why not?" he asked visibly hurt by my gesture.
"Don't you get it!?! This is not something you can just put a band-aid over and say it'll be okay because it won't! Nothing is ever okay with me!" I snapped throwing my hands up in exasperation. "If you felt the way I do right now maybe you would understand. It drags you into a pit and never lets you go. No matter how long the rope or ladder is that's thrown into the pit, something always cuts or breaks it so that you fall back down deeper into the pit. The more you try, the more it hurts you and the deeper you fall!" I paused and looked down. "There isn't a band-aid big enough to cover this and even if there was, it wouldn't be enough to absorb all this pain. I just want to let it all go. I don't want to be stuck in this pit anymore. I want to be free of all the pain."
He grabbed me by my shoulder and shook me hard before saying, "Stop talking like that! It's like you want to die and just leave me behind!"
I didn't answer and I looked up at him. His face was full of pain and anger. I was half expecting him to shake me harder, but instead he let me go and slid away from me.
"That is what you want, isn't it?" he asked. "So...everything we did was for nothing."
I stared at him as he got to his feet.
"Where are you going?" I asked reaching for him.
He whirled around to face me with an angry expression on his face as he said, "I'm leaving! I'm not going to sit here and watch you feel sorry for yourself! I can't! I refuse to sit here and watch you kill yourself over some letter that your asshole of a father wrote you!"
He turned to leave, but I grabbed his leg as more blood oozed from my cuts.
"Stay," I whispered. "Please."
"WHY DO YOU WANT ME TO STAY!?! SO I CAN WATCH YOU END YOUR LIFE!?!" his voice echoed off the bathroom walls making me flinch.
"I don't want you to leave me."
"YEAH, WELL, I DON'T WANT YOU TO LEAVE ME EITHER!! YET IT SEEMS AS THOUGH YOU'VE ALREADY MADE UP YOUR MIND TO DO THAT!! OCTOBER, I LOVE YOU!! MORE THAN ANY WOMAN IN THE WORLD!! I LOVE YOU MORE THAN MY MOTHER AND LIKE YOUR MOTHER, SHE WASN'T THE BEST MOTHER!! SHE TRIED TO SELL ME FOR COCAINE!! WHEN I WENT TO SEE HER IN THE HOSPITAL, SHE WAS LYING ON HER DEATH BED AND THE LAST THING SHE SAID TO ME WAS, 'YOU WILL NEVER BE SHIT. I SHOULD'VE PUT YOU IN A GARBAGE BAG, FILL IT WITH WATER, AND THREW YOU IN THE DUMPSTER THE MOMENT YOU WERE BORN.' THAT WAS THE LAST THING THE WOMAN WHO BIRTHED ME EVER SAID TO ME!!" he snapped. "But I never let it get to me! Never!"
I stared at him not knowing what to say other than, "Stay with me."
He shook his head before saying, "I can't. Not while you are like this. Come on Mya!"
I watched as Mya walked up to him before looking at me and whining. Keith gave me a sad look before turning around and walking out of the bathroom dragging Mya along with him.
"Keith!" I shouted scrambling to my feet, but swaying due to the amount of blood I had lost. "Don't leave!"
I placed my hand on the mirror to steady myself, but the mirror shifted and I lost my footing. I barely managed to steady myself on the sink. When I was steady, I looked up at the mirror which was now crooked before pulling it down. I gasped when I saw the pills I had taken about a week ago.
"So that's where you hid them," I whispered reaching for them.
What are you doing!?!
I unscrewed the caps on three of the proscription pills and two of the pain medications before putting them all in my mouth and swallowing them. I gagged as a few of the pills got stuck in my throat, but after a few more attempts, I forced them down.
NO!! THROW THEM UP!! NOW!!
"Why? I've got nothing left to lose," I whispered.
I walked out of the bathroom and sat down on the bed while I waited for the pills to take effect. My phone buzzed and I reached for it. I gazed at the screen and Ericka's name popped up. I swiped the green arrow and placed the phone against my ear.
"Hello?" I called.
"Hey, how are things going?" she asked, her voice was cheerful.
"Bad," I answered as my vision started to blur.
"Why? What's going on?"
I blinked a few times as dark spots started to take over my vision.
"October? You there?"
"Ericka, I took pills," I whispered.
"Oh my God, how many did you take, October? Please tell me you took two or three. Please tell me that you didn't take the whole entire bottle," she begged, her voice sounded desperate.
I felt my body growing weaker as I fought to keep my eyes open. The pills had started to take effect and I knew it wouldn't be long before my body would start to shut down, but at least I wouldn't feel anything. I would be long gone before the other symptoms even came into play. I could already feel my body being overtaken by drowsiness.
"October, how many did you take?" she demanded.
"Three bottles of proscription pills and two bottles of pain meds," I whispered as the darkness completely overtook my vision.
"Why!?! Oh my God, hang in there. I'm sending an ambulance over to your house right now. Just hang on."
"Ericka...it's...too...late," I said as the phone fell from my hands and everything faded away.