An organised mess

I fought my ego till the death

I, starry-eyed began building 

and child-like, I thought everything I said was true 

I thought everything I was taught, was true 

I knew the facts. 

My parents, so in-love and naive 

told me I was their good little girl every day

I believed it, I was good, they told me so 

and I was always confused when the good little girl got told no. 

When I unexpectedly had a jerk of energy, 

and I riddled myself in debt for white sugar veins 

I wandered why I felt so evil in acting without thinking

a good girl cannot be a puppet to her impulse. 

I artlessly created myself, since the day I was born 

I artificially created myself, dewy-eyed

denying the construction everyone had been designing 

I believed their designs were right 

I believed in the words being rooted in my mind 

and I planted my own seeds, resisting against their perfect snow-white.

I, confidently, put hand to brush to paint my portrait 

and as a young-adult, I started to doubt if what I knew was true, 

I started to question, if anything I had been taught was true

if anything was true. 

I agreed with the voice that talks to me in my head

she told me, without hesitation, that I was good but also turbulent 

I couldn't deny she was right, 

I built on those words, an architect unpaid 

and assembled together a good girl who petted her demon 

an emotional plane of chaos she made. 

My hard-wired self, each wire artificially made by choice 

for farm-yard animals cannot run free

the chained chicks  who sing songs of another inner voice

I excused myself every time I tipped the scales, and left my head underwater 

because that is just who I am, a good girl 

who when exposed to exploit for too long was a mad-hatter. 

I decided to stop babysitting the character I played, 

the character I made, 

for breathing in snow-angels one moment, and making snow-angels in another

is something I could no longer  take. 

I poured that drop of me into the ocean, 

I am the ocean too, 

if I am letting go of me, 

I am also letting go of you.