tips // yoonmin

for, my one and only - jeongguk.

[already posted this in my personal book, but i want to share it more. i want people to know how much of an impact jeongguk has made on my life, and hopefully he can on theirs too!]
________

dear: the boy with constellations in his eyes,

people say that you can't put a number on love — that it exists in an innumerable state, one in which we simply find it impossible to count down to the exact moment that it began — so if i were to say that i've loved you for over 1,258 days, would you believe me?

truthfully, it doesn't matter if you do. it doesn't matter if anybody does, because it's what i know and what i believe, and that's what's important when it comes to love.

you were 17, as was i, and we were closely approaching our 18th birthdays.

for you, your days were filled with schedules, practices until dawn, and limiting the amount of food you would eat before bed in order to not wake up with a paunchy belly or a swollen face.

for me, i was studying the human brain, sitting exams & finishing up what would be the final chapter in my education, while also spending all the little money i had on going to concerts in brixton which i really didn't care too much for.

despite the fact we lived such polar opposite lives, i ended up finding solace in your voice; a rare and very welcome addition to my otherwise dull and monotonous life. i didn't know your name, at the time, nor your face. all i knew was that the boy with the honey-like voice — who hit pitches that sent shivers through my limbs and made the world that little bit brighter — was someone that had the potential to turn my life on its axis and change everything.

and that's exactly what happened, but not straight away.

it wasn't until the release of 'the most beautiful moment in life pt. 2' that i started to pay real attention, to care for what i was listening to and take an interest which would inevitably form my entire future and my persona for the remaining years of my teen life, and the upcoming adults years in which we are both currently living. '쩔어' and '고엽' were the turning points — songs which my playlist seemed to favour (or maybe it was my own hand; who knows?) — where i realised i couldn't just let you drift away like i'd let you before.

i needed more, so i went in search of it, and i found a world i'd never imagined could be so different from the one i was living in previously. the fans, although a little frightening at times, were peaceful, a family more tight-knit than i'd ever experienced before. the dedication and the true love that poured out throughout the fanbase shocked me, and at the time, i couldn't bring myself to incorporate myself into that lifestyle so heavily on social media in the fear that i wouldn't fit in; wouldn't feel wanted. so, i didn't.

i let a year pass before i felt brave enough to try, and it was little by little. not long after your 19th birthday, i made a twitter account and i allowed myself to slowly become a part of your hectic and crazy life, and it was the best decision i've ever made, because you are something i can't even put into words. despite being a fiction writer, words don't come easy to me — not when i'm trying to be as sincere as possible and make my emotions into a narrative — and i fear that sometimes, even now, i can't portray just how much my life has been benefited by you merely existing within it, and it makes me feel guilty.

however, i do have other things involving you to feel guilty about. for example, the entire two years i spent outwardly hating on you for reasons which i'm not entirely sure of, myself.

now, before you (or other sensitive souls) take this in the wrong way, i never, at any point, wanted harm to come to you or bad things in that sense. never in a million years would i want that, for you or for anyone. but, it was a well-known fact that you were not my favourite person on this planet, and now it's extremely amusing for me to look back on those tweets and that time.