"It's like poetry but on skin it just makes my emotions and feelings come Alive and my inner pain be manifested into reality so I can actually see the hurt I'm feeling,I so badly wanna help other girls and people in general not go through it,I don't want anyone doing this ever,it didn't hurt to slit my wrists what did hurt was the fact that I cried and I screamed cause I couldn't feel the pain of the razor.Sitting in the middle of my room thinking who can I ask to assist me,cause right now I need someone's voice to take me away from the voices in my head,the screams and cries the emotional pain I've overfed my mind with...I just need someone who cares."
"Love yourself the way you want others to love you,gain control of your emotions and your mind and teach them how to love you the way you are teaching them how to praise your beauty like it praises others,teach yourself that you're made in Gods image it's nearly impossible for you to be defined as 'ugly'.
Would you believe me if I told you that those two paragraphs we're written by the same girl or what if I told you I wrote those two paragraphs.
So I cut again today.... properly, for the first time in over a year.
I'm pissed.
Can people not just mind their own business.
I didn't need anyone else to find me in the bathroom.
I would've finished.
Patched myself up.
And gone to write English.
Now lastage people must come and interfere.
Mxm.
I cut myself too...for the first time in ever
I'm not pissed
I want people to care
I'm emotionally broken and I just needed to see that pain physically
I can't patch myself up
But it was dumb
I let my feelings get to me.
Every cut like carvings on paper
Of pain
And once its manifested you just can't stop
Line by line
Cut by cut
All my pain goes away
Line by line
Bit by bit
Emotions fade away
People that know me will be very surprised and initially I wasn't going to mention this,but then I thought.If people knew that even I,the girl next door who preachers God,who does well in school,has both parents,runs a female empowerment campaign and seems to have her life together at 17 can reach the extent of cutting herself to escape emotional pain then maybe you would know to be there for your friends and family no matter how together they seem to have it.
I have over a 1000 contacts on my WhatsApp list and I couldn't think of one person that I felt comfortable to help me,when I needed someone to just carry my emotions cause they had become so overwhelming.
I wanted someone to care,but at the same time It's me not wanting to seek help,me wanting to be in my feelings alone,me being able to just feel my pain and cry without anyone telling me it's gonna be fine me allowing my negative emotions to manifest into inner pain.
Don't get me wrong I have wonderful contacts but I didn't want to feel like i was bothering anyone or seeking attention and I just needed to be in my feelings which is completely unhealthy.
Hypocritical I know right
Probably chilling reading this like this girls pshycho,I mean what issues could she possibly have...Why didn't she turn to God.
I have to admit I was ashamed to come into the presence of God dispute him calling me,I just couldn't find it in me to be in my fathers presence,usually I would be ashamed to say this,but we all have our off days even as Christians and that day just happened to be mine.
"telling everyone what to do. most of the people i work with are my friends and i don't want them to feel like i'm bossing them around so i end up doing a lot by myself
recently i have been dealing with other things and i couldn't really be focused on the campaign so its hard to get people to realise that we back in the game
people comparing us to other organisations."-
Murungi
How many of you know that running a campaign isn't easy,that having so many girls come to you for advice and help can be the death or the life of you.For a while I thought only I had such issues,but Murangi goes through the same thing and knowing this allowed me to stop hating on myself and start looking for solutions
With running inside out I had to learn quickly how to defrentiate real and fake,how to empathize instead of sympathize.
When I empathized it took a toll over my emotions,so if a girl came with a story of sexual abuse it felt as though I'd been through it.It became a lot which also led to me harming myself.
Somehow I'd convinced myself that because I could help others I couldn't ask for help myself.
I teach and preach self love on a daily,but I allowed bad thoughts to clutter and grow into convincing me that I couldn't love myself even if I tried and in that moment harming myself seemed better,pain seemed better in the physical rather than clustered in my mind.
Girls listen to me!
I'm publishing this on international suicide awareness day.
READ THIS
WRITE IT IF YOU MUST
Don't let anyone or anything fool you for even a second that you are alone,that no one loves you,I don't care if you don't have a mom,or a dad,or a family,I don't care if you've been sexually abused your whole life,I don't care if you've been called every bad name in school.
Understand the words coming off this page there is to much love in this world,too many organizations,campaigns,books,movies and people who just generally care.Real people with real stories who don't want to see other people go through anything alone.
The only thing you really need to do is seek help,and I know some people encounter fake help or help that's not really help,but let me tell you something if you really need someone to care and love you in your time of need you won't stop looking cause you've met a couple bad peoples in your Life.
I'm here if you need me my social accounts and email is here and I'm messed up,but my mess could be your revelation.
Write this on your wall or just anywhere please:
Self harm VS Self love
I Love you
I love you_____
I come before everyone else
My mental health is extremely important
I need mental health checks with my mind
I need to be happy
I need people around me
I Refuse to be another self harm statistic cause I love my self
I love you____
Guys please if you don't get anything from this chapter just know with the amount of people there is in the world it's almost impossible for you be alone seek help.
Your loved I love you.
That sounds cliche cause I don't know you,but if you need someone to love you email or dm me I'll love you💜💜💜💜
@sweetsaresour on IG 💜
Insideoutcampaignsa@gmail.com💜
@insideouteventsa on IG💜
