Hey, It's Me, Karma (Manileño Series #1)

Chapter 33

Hey, It's Me, Karma

Shy

I realized I've been in a slump after my parents' death. I gave up the only thing I really want to do because of fear.

It never really wrecked me like how it wrecked other people but it did something to me. My parents' death brought me fear. They were so sure of the things that they want to do and I admired it. I admired it like how people admired the stars and wanted to reach for it. Ganoon sila ka-tiyaga sa ginagawa at nilalapatan ng sinserong pagmamahal ngunit sa isang iglap ay puwedeng maglaho ang lahat. Wala lang ding kuwenta ang ginagawa ko kung sa huli ay hindi naman iyon tuluyang magiging akin. Kakawala pa rin iyon sa hawak ko sa isang-kisap mata na para bang wala akong ginawang paghihirap para maabot ito.

Mukhang hindi ko rin naman kayang gawin ang pilit kong hinahanap. I might be able to find it through other people but I would only be watching them. I will stay as an outsider, watching everyone be the person they want themselves to be. Watching them turn into someone I want myself to be. Someone who's able to love, to want, to be passionate... Malabong maging akin ang lahat ng iyon.

That's why I stopped. Not even love will stay with me when everything's gone. Not even the answers I looked for a lifetime.

However, deep inside, I was still impatient about it. I pretend that I no longer care. That I'd let it come to me with no force but it wasn't that way inside of me. I still wanted it so bad that I am willing to be reckless. I was itching to do something. To look again and never stop because my life only run by looking. Hindi ko alam ngunit magiging walang saysay ang buhay ko kung hindi ko mapupunan ang kagustuhan.

Wala naman sigurong masama maging kagaya ko. Wala naman sigurong masama kung lalakad ako kasama ng ibang tao na hindi pa kumpleto. I was ready to walk with great fortitude again. Hindi ko na dapat iisipin pa kung anumang mangyayari dahil sa buong panahong pag-iwas ko ay wala namang nangyayari. Not a single thing I expected to happen happened because I was running away from it. Ano naman ngayon kung haharapin ako ng kinatatakutan ko? So what if it'd crush me and break me? I'd find my broken pieces, mend it and continue my walk!

I shouldn't care about that fear in the first place. Pareho lang naman ang kahihinatnan ko kapag wala akong gagawin. If I do nothing, I'd continue living like life was a responsibility. Mas mainam pang ginagawa ko ang tanging nagpapaliyab ng buhay dahil may iba't-iba akong kahihinatnan.

I wanted to decide with my life again, without fear disrupting my decisions in life. May it be crazy and careless but that's how I'm supposed to be. I won't find answers while trying to forget who I am. I'm going to get what I want with who I am today. I'll grow along the way and continue to grow the answers I gathered. That's how I should change.

Alam kong iyon din ang gugustuhin ng mga magulang ko. Not once did they call my heartless or condemn who I am. In fact, they were the first to acknowledge that I can also belong. That I can do whatever I want to be. Choose whoever I want to grow as.

Ah... I still want to have something my parents had. Ano mang patutunguhan ko, sisiguraduhin kong makukuha ko iyon. I'll make sure I'll be bringing that along my journey.

Nitong mga nakaraang araw ay ramdam ko ang matiyagang pagmamasid sa akin ng kung sino. It did not come out as scary and creepy to me but I became curious about it. Hindi kagaya ng madalas ay naging natural ang kuryusidad ko rito. Hindi ko iyon masyadong pinansin noong una. Maybe there were strangers who were fond of staring unfamiliar faces. Iyon nga lang, kalaunan ay tumatakbo na ang mga katanungan sa isipan ko.

Hindi naman naging mahirap alamin kung sino ang taong iyon. They know what they're doing. Kapag napansin nitong nagiging maingat ako ay bababa ang bakod nila. Their calm-exterior would be as fragile as male egos. If you display dominance, it would crumble into ashes. Mahuhuli mo rin silang hindi malaman ang gagawin.