Hey, It's Me, Karma (Manileño Series #1)

Chapter 36

Hey, It's Me, Karma

Freak

I never really understood what he meant by "try harder".

Hindi ko alam kung ano ang depinisyon ng ibang tao roon at kung makakapasok ba ako sa diksyunaryo nila. In the first place, we have different understanding of diligence and effort. Yours might be too much or not enough to other people but it's how you see hardwork. It could even be seen as laziness and lack of effort even when you're already shedding blood and sweat. I believe lazy was such a bad word to define because we were built different from one another. We cannot really see the sacrifices and courage they gathered.

That's why I just continued what I used to do. I don't think it could be associated by laziness. Ito ang tanging pagkakataon na naghahabol talaga ako sa liwanag na nasilayan. The feeling inside me were just too strong that even someone unfeeling like me was able to feel it. Hindi ko alam kung papaano papangalanan ang pakiramdam na iyon kaya sumasabay na lamang ako sa daloy. I don't want to let go of it, too.

If this wasn't enough for him, I don't care. Hindi rin naman niya ako mapapatigil dahil kahit ako ay hindi na maintindihan ang sarili. This was not the usual interest I force not the interest that came to me naturally and faded in time. Gusto nitong habulin ko kaya ginawa ko rin. It's like there's a strong force pulling me and pushing me as well. Hinayaan ko lang ang sarili kong hilahin kung saan. Whether I go fast or slow doesn't matter anymore. This was my definition of try harder.

Back then, I'd built walls around me even when I was looking for something. Parang takot pa rin ako sa mga mangyayari ngunit ngayon ay hinahayaan ko lang ang takot na mamuo sa akin. It's inevitable. This person taught me that I have to live with it. Because I want it so bad, I continued walking towards him.

Ayaw ko rin namang huminto. Maybe it's my fear telling me not to or I'd lost it. Natatakot akong iwanan ng interes. Alam kong kapag maiiwan ako nito ay hindi ako magaling sa paghahabol.

Medyo nahuli ako sa subject namin ngayon. Hindi pa naman dumadating amg professor namin at may oras pa ngunit madalas naman akong napapaaga ng dating sa classroom. Tumambay kasi ako kanina lang sa coffee shop at kumain saglit. Nakaligtaan ko ang oras.

This was a subject where both of us were in the same class. Pati na rin ang ibang kasama namin sa group study session. Although I went to the coffee shop alone. Hindi kasi vacant ni Girlie kaya mag-isa na lang akong pumunta.

Nang makapasok ako ng classroom ay nakahanap na ng mga puwesto ang blockmates ko. Hinanap ng mata ko ang kinaroroonan ni Ivan. He was sitting with Ford in the second row. Looks like I just found where I am sitting today. I grinned.

Mukhang ganoon din ang mga babaeng kasabayan ko ngayon sa pagpasok ng classroom.

Hagikhik nila ang sumulong sa tenga ko. Narinig ko pa ang usapan nila tungkol sa dalawang lalaki. Naging usap-usapan na nila kung sino ang uupo sa katabing upuan ni Ford, kung saan may bakante. Naungusan nila ako at itinulak pa sa isang tabi. Hindi naman ako natumba ngunit iritado ako roon. Sa mahahabang hakbang ay humabol ako sa kanila. Before they could steal the seat that fell prey to my eyes, I stood behind them. My tall frame was domineering. Idagdag pa na suot-suot ko ang ekspresyong madalas nagiging rason kung bakit naiintimida sa akin ang mga tao.

"Ah, Alcantara!" One of them recognized me.

Hilaw akong ngumisi. Nagtaas pa ako ng noo at aroganteng tinignan sila. My arrogance added to my height, I feel like I'm on the top of the skyscraper overlooking them from above.

Dinungaw ko ang upuang bakante. Napapatingin na sa amin ang ibang estudyante marahil agaw-pansin ang bilang naming nakatayo at hindi makapagdesisyon kung sinong mauupo. Maging sina Ford at Ivan ay nakatingin na sa amin.