Emotional Writings Dump

Passage 17

[Lucky yous, a long one! Almost one of the longest with different paragraphs of what's going on in my head at the moment!]

4/2/18 There's So Much In My Head Right Now

Four days until we meet and I'm stressing [-my father's stone faced while you're asking for his blessin'-] a little. I have so many things I want to tell her but most of them involve specific words. Certain words that I don't dare use. Words I hardly type, but always think. I never allow myself to say them out loud. Whether it be swear words, or words couples or even other girls my age say and use everyday. Words I could never speak to her. She's the only one that I've ever written these words to. She's the only one that I've allowed in my head. I want to tell her everything and receive her advice, but most of it is about her, and it's indecent to say.

[This ones me being nervous to ask her if we can kiss and also about meeting her. I don't remember but else but I'm also stressed because we can't talk for some reason, as I remember.]

I want to take a mysterious, dominant type role in our relationship. But I can hardly remember the dates that little things happened and I can't ever muster up a surprise. I mean, she's not very found of surprises anyway. I'm sure some things would be acceptable too. Especially if I keep them from her. Like, I always want to explain that I never look at my phone when FaceTiming because she's too beautiful to look at. She found her glasses yesterday and I haven't seen her with them on in like, two weeks and I have to say she was looking very cute. And attractive. She's just to pure. When we meet I'm probably going to get very handsy or at least fight the urge to grab her and... I shouldn't. Its already hard to listen, and to look at her, but it's going to be extremely hard to be in the same room as her. To have her in reach of my grasp. I don't trust myself with my vocabulary alone, but just to be around her? Imagine.

[Me stressing about how our romance will play out. (Spoilers, this stuff doesn't even happen because when I meet her and we get some alone time, I'm all bark and no bite, I don't do anything. I was just talking it up in the chat.)]

I'm sorry I didn't tell my older brother about us the other day. And I'm sorry if my lying sarcasm is hard to catch sometimes, but dating someone, at least in my family, is something secretive. I mean, sure my parents know and my siblings, but I'm just used to not telling anyone. I'm used to keeping my thoughts to myself and coming up with crappy conclusions on my own. So now with any chance I get, I lie and I guess I have good acting skills because people believe me. So I even started lying around you.

[Me being a poetic sweetie and apologizing about not telling my (half brother or step?) about my girlfriend. I may love being gay but the closet has its comforts.]

I also do this thing where I say what's on my mind. This is quite recent and I don't know how to fix it. Or if it'll go away with time, just like it came, or if I'm going to be stuck with it forever. It's like I can't swallow a thought. Everything I think or want to say (all of which I normally end up saying anyway) I HAVE to say. It's like it's a part of me to tell you absolutely every little thing about me, or that crosses my mind. I for whatever reason have so many things that I try to say under my breath. But either I'm super loud and I don't know it, or it's something I genuinely want you to know.

[And this one is just pretty much a reminder for Sadie]

[Muhahahha the Big Breakup Blowout is upon us. Expect long passages and heart felt emotions all described in the form of paragraphs. (Kinda hope Sadie never finds these as we are currently just friends and she would drop me if she ever found out that I was hurting. It's all for the better I guess.)]