Emotional Writings Dump

Passage 20

[Get ready, I think this is one of my longest ones! Also it super sad for me so probably no authors note! But there will probably be one anyway because I want to edit these :D]

4/14/18 I'm Sorry

You want space, and I understand that. Being just friends is a lot better then being nothing. I sorta always thought I'd only ever write good things about you in these passages, but these past few days have given these meaningless writings a change in heart.
We always said and claimed that we loved each other more than the other, that I love you more. But now it's I miss you more.
I often forget how alike we are, we're practically the same person. It should've accrued to me that you started to feel this way. It still took me off guard, as many things that you say topically do. It was such a shock I thought it was some trick or something stupid. I had plans. There are still so many things I want to do with you. I still have so much love to give you. I'm not done loving you.

I don't want to be mad but it feels right. Right now it's the only thing I know how to do.
I wish we were closer. We never got to dance. I'll never get to give you the best birthday present ever. We never got to have an all-nighter crazy sleepover with my friends. We never got to go to camp. We probably won't meet up at the Vinyard. We never got to meet again. We never got to grow up and get old together. We never got married.
I never got to be in love again.

You couldn't stress it enough that you actually loved me, that you actually felt this way about another human being. That you were genuinely in love with me, even when we'd never yet met. You told me you're self that you never actually fell this way about the people you date and love. You stressed it yes, but I didn't. To be honest, I'm a believer that love takes time, and when you confessed you're true love for me, I wasn't exactly convinced that I felt the same way yet. When we met. When we touched. When we fell in love in New Hampshire, I fell in love too. Unfortunately I never fell out of it.
I loose friends all the time and I'm happy that I get to keep you. But being your friend is very hard. Calling you will be a challenge. Texting you will be a reach. Having you is better than losing you. I'm still not sure. So I'll wait here until the day that you realize you made a mistake. Until the day you fully allow yourself to love me again. I'll wait. I'll deny myself any and all love that should come from anyone but.

I was going to write this to settle my feelings and not give it too you. But some part of me wants to return all of you back to you. I'll give and then delete every picture. But I won't. I'll send you every writing and passage and your birthday present. But I won't. I'll mail your cloths and beautiful necklace back to you. But I won't. I can't rid myself of the memory's either. Earlier I was smiling for a moment when crying because of a funny memory that begged me to laugh. I didn't laugh though. Not a moment later I realized I'd lose all that. And never feel it again.
I was going to write this and ignore it after. But I also want you to read it as an apology as to the fact that I might not ever pick up the phone the next time you call. I might not ever open a snap again. I might not ever look at a text barring your name.
I wasn't going to write this at all. I was going to sit in silence screaming and suffering as we still had the audacity to call each other friends. I was going to write this and give it to you as the last thing you'd ever see from me. I would tell you in person that 'calling and talking is to hard, it hurts to much' but I thought it better to write this to you as the last resort and torture. It may somehow hurt you even more just to have you read this than to hear it out loud. I'm sorry if I'm correct.

We can't ever just go back to being friends. It's not right. We kissed, we fell in love. Friends don't do that. Well maybe they do? Of course I'd know this if I had best friends. The type of friends I tell everything to because the stitches of my spilled guts got uncomfortably loose. The friends I receive rants from but can't  provide any actual advice or comfort in return. The friends who know when something is wrong the minute you let something show. The friends that you'd never want to kiss. The friends you don't spend hours over writing passages about them. The friends who would hunt and kill someone if you told them to. The friends who know exactly how to make you laugh. I miss those people. And quite honestly I haven't had one of them with me in such a long time. You can't do this to me. I'm garbage to the people that claim they care for me. If we become friends I'll ignore you. I'll only talk to you when I'm bored and have nothing better to do. I don't need anymore friends.
You're the only thing I've been hanging onto for a while. 'Stay positive, you can talk to her after school. Stay happy, you'll meet her next week. Stay alive, you'll see her April break. Just don't go back to autumn you.' -Are things I've been saying.
I really needed a relationship, something to grab onto. To make one person the happiest they can be, one day at a time. I can't throw you in with the group of people I enjoy being around from time to time. You mean more to me than that. You know to much about me, we can't go back from that. Don't do this to me. 'Friends' isn't an option. But it is if it's what you want.

I now fear the day that you call me up with a smile on your face, saying you found someone new. That you loved them. I fear the day you marry them. I fear the day you get mad at me and never call or text. I fear the day you forget my name. I fear the day you find someone better than me as I can be easily replaced. I miss impressing you. I miss you being proud for whatever stupid thing I'd done that day. I miss your laugh. I miss your music taste, your good music taste. I miss getting into petty fights and arguing over who loves who more. I suppose I won. I love you more. And now I miss you more.

[Damn dog I'm poetic as shit. I remember writing this with tear stained eyes, that's probably why there were so many spelling errors but whateva. I think I wrote this to give to her so I could throw her out and hurt her before she hurt me, but I guess since I wrote this, I had already been hurt. I know for a fact she did read this and I don't remember what she said in return or if I waited to give it to her. Not sure but I could definitely make a cool video surrounding some of those passages.]