Emotional Writings Dump

Passage 21

4/22/18 The Thoughts Of A Weeks Length

What level of friendship would you be? I mean I've been to your house so +10 you have a connection to me through a form of social media +10 also you're pretty much the only person I talk to on a daily and tbh the only call I return when I've missed it, so like +20?  Not to mention you know A Lot about me so like +20 buttt you don't go to skhool with me so -20
   cool so you're at like level 80 friendship with me. Nice   well not really. I'm gunna screw this up somehow, I haven't had a person know this much about me in a while. Or at least a person I let know they have a lot of my information.   It's to late to write these my emotions are wackkk. Like, example; I'm not sure if I should be mad at you for breaking up with me and simply keeping it at 'friendship' or if I shouldn't say anything bc I don't want to make you guilty or upset or anything. I mean I agree the distance is freakin far and heck yeah it hurts not to see each other, but that's no reason to stoppp. It's a test of faith and strength and I need sleep. I honestly haven't slept probably since the 13th, the only date I don't want to remember.   Also fun fact, when I state 'the color orange is very orange,' its kinda like the code peaches. I don't know what it means yet tho, it took me awhile to figure out 'I'm dyeing.'    Another late night fun fact with your host, The Mayor Of Heartbreak City Baby, I wear my Spenser (black) sweatshirt when I'm freakin sad. Like I'm pretty sure I had some kind of depression over the end of the summer, ask anyone, and I mostly wore this sweatshirt during said time.    Hey hey I forgot to say, I haven't moved on yet 👌👌👌(and I probably won't)👌👌👌 gosh I'm rude, I'm sorry, the night monster is woke and it seems mad.    Ya know, here's a thought, I don't think we should be friends. I don't make sense 24/7, unless forced to elaborate, I'm pretty trash to my friends unless they're under level 30 friendship. Know to much about me and things fall apart pretty fast 👈😎👉     I forgot to tell you I love you as well. A little while into our relationship, you said you genuinely loved me. For no reason I couldn't clearly come to the same. spot, the same feeling. But bad timing Tommy forgot to check his watch last week so I never got to tell you this. bAd TiMiNg ToMmY.    Have you moved on so quickly? Is your reason an excuse as the others so claim? Have you fallen out of love with me but never had the heart to tell me? Oh I've needed to answer to these ones all week. Have I been too clingy? Have I not been clingy enough? I understand school dances and stress and better opportunities for love that have walked your way. I understand all this. I understand you might just need space, as you suggested through a text I read with tear filled eyes.    My anger is gone, it's just sadness now. I want to give these to you but I don't want to hurt you. Oh god. I hadn't realized how hard of a decision breaking up with me must of been. It must of hurt so terribly to even conjure such a thought, but to actually go through with it. You said you were sorry right after you hung up. I accept your apology.    What is Awkwardville to you? Like what is genuinely accepted as proper talk in this town? Cuz honey, you've got a storm comin.    How dare you love me. This age sucks as is, I have no idea whats going on with me but something has definitely changed and I want it to go back. Experimenting was a dumb idea, and sure love was a great feeling, but how could I forget all good things come to an end. How dare you give me false hope. How dare you love me. How dare I love you back. How dare you know my most dark secrets. How dare you steal my sleep with thoughts of your presence. How dare you complement the parts I hate about myself. How dare you find the light in all little things. How dare you spread positivity and good influence. How dare you trick me into thinking my already worst year on earth, be the best. How dare you awaken strong emotions that refuse to settle, should I be mad? should I still love you? should I be hurt, should I be happy, should I agree, should I let you know any of this, should I ask your help, should I feel bad?    Hey forget those inner demons, I'm sending this puppy whether I have time to actually think this through and decide against better judgment or not.    So yeah that's about it, don't ever break someone's heart and then be busy for like an entire freakin week, haha it does stuff to their sanity. But for real, those have pretty much been my thoughts and problems for the past week. Loosing sleep over them, being followed by them at school, being hunted by them in any and all waking hours of the day and pretending that being 'friends' is any less better with the person who just got off with a weeks distraction while I got to suffer. Jinkys it's time for scleep, don't talk to me when the color orange is very orange if you know what I mean.

[Oh no, I used emojis in this, I'm cringe.
So, in this passage Sadie had a school trip with the six other kids in her grade like the week after she broke up with me. I was sad and waited for her to get back so I could talk to her about everything, I wasn't really too ready to leave her be. The reason we didn't talk when she had her trip through text was because she was pretty much busy the whole day and I'm sure didn't wanna be bothered by me. I tried not to say anything to her, I wanted to push her out of my life forever without another word, but my mind convinced me she broke my heart so she could be with another. I started to believe she only wanted me to suffer so I wanted her to suffer too.
But after I sent all I wanted to send/say, it took a while, but now I'm in a big gay group chat and we kinda talk everyday. I understand now she only got rid of me because there were more pros then cons.
She's a pretty nice person but to be honest, she kinda bashes me for not knowing to much about gay culture. And I know it's kinda friendly, frenemy pretend stuff but if you're a human being who knows me, I'm hurt easy. And it's not nice to feel not nice :( ]