Emotional Writings Dump

Passage 22

5/3/18 How It Used To Be

I miss us. I miss the pleasure of calling you mine. I miss you being the only person I ever really had to worry for. I miss being proud of you. I miss not understanding just how exactly I could be blessed with such an amazing girl. I miss your support. I miss you convincing me I'm beautiful. I miss you calling my horrendous skin 'stars' when I would much rather rip it all off. I miss you walking home from school while calling me and getting to hear how your day went. I miss the things we only got to do once or twice. I didn't love you enough. I should've stolen a glance every chance I had. I should have danced with you. I regret being nervous for the little things. I wish life worked a little better in my favor this year. I'll never feel this way about anyone else ever again and I know it. I miss how you tricked me into thinking beautiful people could actually love me. I miss you showing me true love exists. There are many things I miss, our inside jokes, constant approval from others, feeling all mushy and warm around or thinking about each other, etc. but as much as I miss these things I wish for some as well. I wish you weren't in the current predicament you find yourself in now. I wish I could push aside everyone, and I mean everyone, but you just to have a little alone time together. I wish we had a big bed to ourselves on a cold rainy day with nothing else but each other to keep warm. I wish you had let the whole New Hampshire trip sit for a little while longer so the memories wouldn't hurt as much or as often. I wish I knew what to say and when. I wish I could be there for you. I wish you lived with me or at least closer. I wish you good health and the others around you. I wish I had the heart to remove my necklace and let loose one of the last pieces of my love for you. I wish I didn't know how to move on. I wish I would at least cry a little sometimes to make it feel like I actually lost something physical from me. But I lost it mentally. I wish you weren't as busy as you always are. I mean I can understand it and I'm not mad but still. I wish I knew how to make you feel as happy as you've made me. I wish you'd move on. I wish someone new loves you as much if not more than I do. I wish I wasn't nervous when we met so I could hold your hand without biting my tongue. I wish I had the experience to kiss you and make you feel amazing. I wish I didn't hold my breath as much when we first met. I wish you'd come here. I wish we'd share my bed sometime. I wish you'd meet all my friends. I wish I could bring you to a homecoming game sometime and sit at the top of the risers and hold you close so you don't fall. I wish I could share with you my world as you've shown me yours. I wish I could tell you these things. Over and over again as we lay on a blanket on the beach and watch the sun set. I wish I didn't feel so helpless and stupid around you. I wish you'd update me on whatever you could. I wish you had enough room to worry about me in your life. But you don't. That's one reason you let me go. That's another reason to give what can't be given. I have to make as much room as possible for you in my life. I wish I'd stop begging for as much attention as I need. I wish I was stronger for you when we were together. I wish I knew how to make your heart stop and your cheeks red. I wish I could write one of these without bouncing back and forth between feeling sorry for myself, trying to make you feel sorry for me, or being sad without you.
I guess I'm just going to have to be an abusive girlfriend and resist ever stop loving you. You won't be allowed to stop loving me either. Well I shouldn't do that now should I, another reason you broke up with me was so you could see if you could feel this way about others. I wish Caroline understood this. I wish she knew you weren't leading me on. I wish she knew we had something real going on. I wish she didn't think the "distance" was an excuse. I wish she knew that you had every reason to break up with me. Especially since I couldn't agree more. Though it hurts not to call you mine, I understand the hardships that come with loving me. I also understand you're going through hell and back with you and your mother's problems so I'll try to stay away from you as much as I can in this time, which is why I will not be sending this until I get the okay from you that everything is going to be alright. I'll stop bothering you as much as it'll bother me. (I wish you'd stay out of my head at night though, then I could've saved myself from writing this and already gone to sleep.)