Remembering Moments

My Own Personal Helper

        Before I was allowed to go home I was required to see a doctor about my mental state. He referred to himself as my own personal helper. He was a young, rather attractive man and I felt a little emberassed to have to explain myself to him, but if it meant going home to my boyfriend then I was fine with it. He asked me my name and age and such things that I had memorized from my patient board in the room. The only thing I actually liked about him was that some of these questions seemed to bring in flashbacks.

        "What are your Sister's names?" The flash of colors blurred my vision for the second time as I remembered.

        **The older of the two was lying on the ground with the younger of the two sitting on her stomach. "She won't get off of me!!!"..... "That's what you get for touching my dollies!" There was a voice that seemed reasonable. I realized that the voice belonged to me. "Judith, get off of Danielle, and Danielle, stop playing with Judith's dolls. You two are so rowdy sometimes, I don't know how you arent seriously hurt yet."**

        The colors went away and the flashback was over. I answered my doctor and explained the flashbacks to him. We went on with simple questions, but his last was the worst for me.

        "Do you remember the night of your accident Amethyst?"

        **I lay in the street, surrounded by broken glass. I had the worst headache imaginable. I could see the boy that I had kissed walking around in the distance and could faintly hear him calling for help. He explained to the phone that there was a car wreck and he was fine, but his girlfriend is badly hurt. I tried to yell to him that I was fine, but My voice wouldn't work. He came and kneeled beside me. "I love you Amethyst, I am sorry. I am so so sorry. If you are okay, I hope you can forgive me."**

        The flashback ended with him crying over me uncontrollably. I jolted out of it and could feel the warmness of tears on my cheeks. Everyone looked concerned. Nobody could explain to  me what He had meant by he was sorry. He hadn't hurt me, had he? And if he had why didn't he tell me in the hospital room? I had so many questions that nobody could answer. My dad left the room and came back with a tear stained face. Something horrible had happened, but noone would tell me just what.

        The car ride home was filled with anticipation. Once we arrived, there was my boyfriend sitting on the porch with flowers. my parents seemed to be okay with this and left me outside with him. He seemed shocked when I turned and asked him my biggest question.

        "I had another flashback. I was on the ground and i couldn't move, it was the accident i think. You kept crying and apologizing. You must have said sorry about a million times. You said that you hoped I could forgive you. What did you do that was so bad? You didn't hurt me on purpose did you?" He wrung his hands and stared at his lap  while he spoke.

        "I didn't do it on purpose. I was driving though, and I didn't pay attention to the road enough and you weren't wearing a seatbelt. I feel horrible though. I would never try to hurt you, but I cant help but feel like all of this is my fault. I am so sorry." We sat in silence for a while. He seemed angry. He was wearing a hoodie. When he reached his hand up to run his fingers through his hair, the sleeve slipped down and I could clearly see deep cuts on his wrist. I grabbed his hand and rolled up his sleeve to reveal them more. There were many cuts that looked recent, and then there were some scars too. I noticed one long scar going vertically on his wrist. He had tried to kill himself.

        "Things got bad when you were asleep. I blamed myself so much and so i started this. Your family blamed me too. The only one that didn't think it was my fault, out of both our families and friends, was Judith. One day she told me that she wished I had never met you so you would be awake. I lost it. That's the big one you see. I actually tried. I almost succeeded. I couldn't stand it." I looked at him and he wasn't even trying to hide his tears at this point.

        "I forgive you Ashton. Please don't do this to yourself anymore. I love you." He shook his hand out of my grasp and placed it on my cheek, not bothering to cover his scars. He leaned in slowly and we kissed again. It was better than the first time. We were both crying and I could taste the saltiness of his tears between our lips. When he did pull away, we just sat on the lawn together, holding hands and watching the sunset. I couldn't think of anyone better to share it with than him.