Remembering Moments

What If?

        The car reamained silent until Luke looked over at me to see the tears streaming down my face and my shaking hands holding onto Ashton's note.

        "Amy... What's that?" I debeted whether or not to tell him. I could pass it off as something else and he would never have to  know that Ashton did this because of me. I feared that he would hate me if I told him. Ashton tried to kill himself because of me, and there was still a possibility that he would succeed. Ashton had been great friends with Luke and I worried he would blame me if Ashton died. If someone died at my fault I knew Luke would be hesitant to act the same around me. But he was my best friend; my best friend that I had fallen in love with, and I knew that I could trust him.

        "A suicide note."

        "What do you mean a suicide note?"

      "Ashton wrote me a note before he did it. I just don't understand it...  Only me Luke, not his mom, or you or anyone else, me..... This is all because of me." He shook his head and glanced towards me, placing one of his hands on my own shaking one.

        "You couldn't have known he would do this. He did this, not you so don't blame yourself please. You didn't do anything wrong. You have to know that." I was sobbing at this point and my voice was much louder than it needed to be for him tohear me, but I couldn't seem to calm myself down again.

        "He loved me Luke! He still loves me and I shouldn't have been such a bitch to him. He did this because of me and I could have stopped it!"

        "Calm down. You had a right to be mad at him. He screwed up pretty bad. You can't be mad at yourself because you reacted the way you did."

        "Please don't tell me to calm down Luke. And I can be mad at myself all I want... He literally begged me not to leave him and that's exactly what I did."

        "He did this to himself Amy. He never should have hid this from you in the first place, so you can't blame yourself for being upset about it."

        "I know he fucked up Luke, but he had the courage to tell me and I just treated him like shit. And I knew he's hurt himself before and he's even told me he tried to kill himself before and I didn't even care. I left him and he really has noone but me. Don't tell me this isn't my fault because it is. I'm such  a bitch. He's going to die and I'm the one that killed him!" Everything was suddenly silent except for my sobs. The reality of it had all flooded in at once. I loved him, or I did. The boy I had once loved was going to be gone forever because of me. I never hated myself so much as I did in that moment right then. I had made someone hurt so badly that they wanted to die, and if Ashton did, I couldn't live with myself afterwards. 

       We pulled into the driveway of the hospital and our entire conversation was instantly abandoned. It was as if Luke was a different person. He was no longer the sensitive and caring Luke that I knew so well. He was suddenly lifting Ashton from the backseat and running inside before I could even open my door. Everything was a blur because everyone was moving so fast to try and help us. Luke and I both had blood all over us by now, but I didn't care as I watched him get wheeled away into a back room alone. I tried to follow, but they were only allowing family with him, which brought the thopught of his mother into my mind. Where was she? Why did she leave her dying son alone to be found by me? I wanted so badly to do home, but I couldn't. I couldn't leave him alone if he was going to die. 

        "What are you thinking Amy?" Luke asked me, worry in his voice and his hand on my knee. 

        "What if he dies Luke? What if i killed someone? I can't do this. I cant keep worrying about whether or not he's going to hurt himself because of me. I can't live with myself if he were to do this again, or if he dies before he gets the chance to. I can't have him die because of me."