Remembering Moments

Aftermath

          Everything stopped. No matter how hard I tried I couldn't seem to tear my eyes away. No one else would even come near the ledge in fear of what they would see, but I... I couldn't stop myself from staring. For what felt like hours I stared down at the ground. I stared at pile of broken limbs that was once the boy I was in love with and I prayed for him to move. After a while, nurses and doctors got to what everyone assumed was a lifeless body. The first doctor checked for a pulse. I couldn't hear what any of them were saying, but that first doctor shouted something at the others and suddenly everyone was in some huge hurry. They had him on a stretcher and into the hospital within seconds.

          I wasn't sure whether to be happy or heartbroken. He was alive. That was the only explanation for how they were acting. My first thought was to smile, until I remembered why he was in this situation in the first place. Ashton was so miserable without me that he wanted to die. He had suffered so much already, and maybe it would've been better if they had just let him. Maybe if he had cut a little bit deeper or jumped from a higher building things wouldn't be so bad. He wanted to die because he hurt me and none of us were letting him. As much as he hurt me, I hated to see him hurt. I could never go back to him after what he did. I couldn't make myself forgive him. And he suffers so much without me, that his life would be miserable anyways so why not just let him die.

          I wanted to curse at myself for being so morbid. Of course he shouldn't die but as far as he's concerned, its the only way to stop hurting. I just wished I could change his mind somehow. I wished I could go back to the night of the accident and have sex with him. That way none of this would've happened. We would still be happy like that day in the park; the first flashback I had. Except we wouldn't be. As much as I hated it our relationship would've fallen apart anyway. I'd seen the arguments. We weren't good for eachother. Especially now. I have Luke and Ashton has nobody. So why not let him die...

          I was snapped out of my thoughts by Luke. He was screaming at me. Not like he was mad or anything but he sounded so scared. I had never heard that in Luke's voice before. Not that I could remember anyways. I was so in shock though. I couldn't move, or speak, or even understand what he was saying. I couldn't make myself stop staring at the blood Ashton's body had left on the pavement. There was so much blood. All of a sudden I felt so cold. My entire body was freezing and my vision started to get blurry. All I could think about was the amount of blood he left behind.

Next thing I knew Luke was in my face, practically shaking me. His voice was so distorted at this point, he didn't sound like himself. Everyone had left by now but the two of us. Everyone was worried about the living boy in that hospital while I was stuck on the roof, staring at blood and thinking that he should be dead. Maybe he would die. Maybe he fucked up enough this time that the doctors wouldn't be able to save him. All I knew was that he didn't want to be alive anymore.

          I wish I could say that things changed for me that day. That I'd have a more interesting story to tell, but they didn't. The entire day was a blur. I couldn't stop shaking, even as Luke picked me up and carried me back to the lobby. Even as My mother tried to drag me to the car, I couldn't make out any of the expressions on her face. I couldn't hear what she was saying, only the tone in her voice was recognizable. She had that mom tone to her... Like she was trying to say she told me so while comforting me. Like she had when I was crying over every breakup with every boy she told me was bad. But I didn't care. I knew it would happen too. I knew he wasn't healthy. I knew he had problems. I just didn't think it would be so soon. I didn't think he'd give up on us so soon. I told him to give me time and he gave up. He didn't care what I needed. He only knew that he was miserable, and that was all that mattered to him. He was so selfish, yet here I was, waiting to see if that boy in the operating room would get to die or not.

         Luke stayed with me. I refused to leave so many times that my mom got up and left me there. But Luke stayed. My family left me. Ashton betrayed me and left me here while he tried to die, but Luke stayed. He tried to bring me food. I was so frozen though, I couldn't bring myself to move my hands to even hold the food. He tried to feed me like a little kid, but I couldn't open my mouth. My stomach was so sick anyways I couldn't even imagine eating... There was so much blood. I just kept telling myself that. There was way too much blood on that pavement. Way too much blood for anyone to be able to lose. Plus everything he lost the night before. There was no way he could live. They'd have to let him die. They had to give him what he wanted. Ashton wanted to die. He didn't want to live in a world without me, and if they saved him, that's what they were condemning him too.

          I told myself over and over again that if he lived I wouldn't go back to him. I tried to convince myself that I would be strong enough to do that. But if I really wouldn't go back, then why was I still here in this waiting room? At this point, my vision was started coming mack, and I think the constant feeling of Luke's arms around me helped to warm me up. I didnt't understand why he was still here. I was the girl he loved. I shouldn't be this emotional over Ashton because I loved him, but I was. I couldn't stop wondering what I would do if he lived. I'd want to walk away... Leave his life and never look back. I know he'd try to do this again some time. This was the third time and I couldn't go trough this again with him, whether we're together or not. But that seems selfish doesn't it?

          I'm not just worrying about myself though. We aren't good for eachother. He's suicidal because of me and that makes me so not good for him right? It's not right to stay in a relationship just so that he can have his ideal life. I'm in love with Luke and I didn't want what Ashton and I had to ruin that because what Ashton and I had was hurting him. Even if I stayed with him, things could never be simple again. I could never be that girl in the back of his pick up truck with the deep violet eyes and the kissing and the love or whatever you want to call it. I'm so broken, and what Ashton and I have could never fix that. It couldn't fix him either. Any time we argued or anything even slightly upsetting happened he'd go and do this again. So call me selfish or a bitch or heartless or whatever else you may come up with but I couldn't stay with it.

          For the first time since Ashton jumped, I moved. I moved to snuggle my face into Luke's chest and cry. What Ashton and I were was dead. Even if he wasn't, our love was. Nothing could ever be the same and I blamed myself, rightfully so. I'm sure everyone else blamed me too. Ashton's mom probably did and there was no way my mom didn't, and Luke and Ashton... All of them were probably thinking the only thing I had said in hours.

          "It's all my fault"

           My voice was so raspy I was surprised anyone eve heard me, but I knew they did when I heard Ashton's mom mutter in agreement and I felt Luke's arms tighten aroung me. I felt him place the softest kiss in the world on my head before resting his chin back on top of it. I wanted to ask him what to do. It had been so long since he jumped and no doctors came out with any news, so it must mean that they were saving him. I wanted to ask him if I should stay or leave him. I could never fix Ashton but I could make him be okay for a little while longer... But Luke loved me. And Luke felt so right wrapped around me that I never wanted it to end. I knew that if I asked him it would end and I couldn't have that happen. I needed him.

          I don't remember much of what happened after the doctor in bloody scrubs walked out of the double doors I'd been staring at for hours. I remember the smile on his face, and I remember Ashton's mom hugging him as tight as Luke was hugging me. I remember her lunging at me and Luke stepping in front of me to push her back before lifting my stiff body and walking towards the car. I clung on to him like he was my entire universe, and I really felt like he was in that moment. He was the only thing holding me together. I guess I really remember the whole thing... I just wish I didn't. For the first time since I woke up I wanted to forget something. I especially wish I could forget what she told Luke after he put me in the passenger seat. I wish he would've closed the door sooner so I wouldn't have heard her.

          "You make sure to keep your little whore away from my son. You tell her not to talk to him, that is if he doesn't shoot himself over her first." She walked away in a rage, and all Luke could say back to her was a soft yes maam... I think he wanted me not to hear that.

          Oh well. I guess my decision was made.