Remembering Moments

Thud

        The entire world seemed to be spinning around me. I couldnt focus on anything and i almost couldn't tell if Luke was walking toward or away from me. My hands were shaking uncontrollably and no matter how hard I tried, i simply couldn't seem to breathe right. I hadn't had a panic attack in so long, I had almost forgotten how bad they were. I had stopped taking my medicine for them after they stopped happening, but apparently they decided to come back at the worst possible time. I felt Luke put his arm around me and couldn't even gather enough energy to push him off of me. I knew he meant well, but he was part of the reason this happened in the first place. 

        "Amethyst, Look at me." Luke was talking to me, and I understood him, but I chose to ignore him and keep my head in my hands. "Amy please..." His voice was shaking and he almost sounded like he was crying. I couldn't help myself but to look up at the face the pleading voice had come from. I was aware I looked horrible, tears streaming down my face shamelessly as he rubbed small circles on my back. "Breathe with me Amy. Same time okay? You'll be okay." I watched his chest rise up and down and did my best to make my breaths fall in time with his. It didn't work right away, but I could feel my breathing slowing down and the shaking subside a little bit. Luke sat with me until everything was back to normal, which took about fifteen minutes outside in the cold. 

        Without a word from either of us, he picked me up off the groung and walked to where his car was parked. Once I realized where he was taking me, I tried to tell him to stop.

        "I don't want to go home Luke." He kept walking and suprised me when he set me down on the hood of the car and pulled a first aid kit from the glove box. 

        "We're not going home." He cleaned up my knees and bandaged them before helping me off.

        "Thanks Luke."  The only response I got from him was a small nod. The two of us walked back  into the waiting room and did just that... we waited. After a few hours, I started falling asleep on Luke's shoulder. Neither of us had spoken still due to the fear of messing things up again. Everything was sort of better at the moment and we wanted it to stay that way. Luke eventually got up and walked out to his car to get me a blanket and let me fall asleep on him until the nurse came out looking for Ashton's mom. 

        "Do either of you have a way to contact his mother? The hospital has tried every number in our recors and she won't answer." I gave her the number I had for her, but she came back a few minutes later to tell us she was still getting the answering machine. 

        "Can i see him? I'm the one that found him and I really want to-"

        "I'm sorry maam, but family only right now." 

        "We are family. Not by blood, but I love him and..." 

        "I'll notify you when and if you can see him, but I'm afraid I can't allow that right now." I didn't want to see her anymore. I wanted her to leave so I could pretend everything was okay again. I wanted to laugh with Luke and play board games like we used to before the accident.I wanted to erase my entire life after the accident and start over. Forget that, I wanted to erase the entire accident. I should never have to worry about my best friend dying or my other friend hating me or my parents having to teke care of me like a child. 

        My parents crossed my mind again as she turned around and walked away. They were probably worried sick annd trying to find me. I had my phone though, and they hadn't tried to call me so they must not be too concerned. 

        Five minutes after the nurse left us alone, Ashton's mother came rushing through the doors and up to the front desk. The nurse ushered her into the large doors I had been dying for hours to get into and I was once again left with my own thoughts, wishing that I could know whether or not he was okay. Even though I wasn't exactly happy with him at the moment, he had once been my everything, and I wasn't willing to let that go. Even if I was forced to, it would kill me inside. I couldn't go the rest of my life knowing that he had killed himself because I didn't forgive him. My thoughts ran wild as I tried to imagine a life without him; without the first person that made me smile after I woke up; without the first person I had ever felt love for. My life would never be complete again. I couldn't remember what my life was like before him, but I was almost positive that I couldn't have been happy without him.