Weird Things I Heard in School 4 | ✓

APUSH Dump #1!

I've decided that I'm going to consolidate all of the quotes from AP U.S. History right here.

Update: It got too long so I'm going to be making another one :)

Teacher: What ideas do your cliques share?

Girl: Well, we don't really call them "cliques" anymore...that's kinda cliche...

Teacher: Millenials, I swear to God.
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Teacher: We're mortal enemies now! I like it!
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Teacher: Thank you for signing up for this awful class, by the way.
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Teacher: Justin Trudeau - that's a dreamy man right there.

**

Teacher: He's like the nicest guy I've ever met. But I still hate him.
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Teacher: I'm referring to myself in the third person because I'm really arrogant.
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Teacher: [The Spanish] would go to a tribe and be like, "Hey, guys! Wanna be Christian?" And they'd be like, "Uh, no." So they'd KILL THEM ALL! In the name of Jesus Christ!
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Teacher: [The Aztecs] would cut open your stomach, reach in, pull out your still-beating heart and hold it up, and you'd still be alive, looking up at your heart, like, "That's not good."
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Teacher: If you drink poop water, oh yeah, you're gonna die.
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Teacher: There's a lot of rage going on over here! I love it! Those are the kinds of relationships we want to form in here!
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Teacher: The first driving fatality happened today in 1888! First of all, you have to really suck at driving if you're going, like, 5 miles per hour.
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Teacher: Life tip: if you ever go to jail and someone's like, "Hey, man, what are you in for?" what do you say? "I killed a man. I killed a man with my bare hands." You can't say you killed someone with a knife or a gun because what don't you have in jail? A knife or a gun. But you have your bare hands! That's a good life lesson, write that one down.
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Me: It feels muggy in here.

Teacher: It feels WHINY in here! Boom!
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Teacher: If I was British, I would be so annoyed with America. Like, you're the wealthiest people in the world, you have the lowest taxes - SHUT UP.
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Teacher: After I win the lottery, I'm coming back to work for one more day and I'm smashing phones. And then you'll never see me again. I'll be a myth - the insane Phone Smasher.
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Teacher: *posh voice* "Check out my mansion. Mine's got seventeen spires." "Oh, really? I just added my eighteenth."
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Teacher: They're gonna be like, "Don't look at my car." And you're gonna be like, "Don't dive a cherry red Lamborghini. What the hell are you doing?"
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Teacher: I hate The Giving Tree. I hate that a-hole kid. That's what it should be called - The A-Hole Kid.
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Teacher: So that super racist Arkansas governor, Orval Faubas - just his name pisses me off!
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Teacher: Suddenly she's fine, floating around in space. I don't know a lot about space, but don't your eyeballs get sucked out of your face area?
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Teacher: I wanna see some snap fighting like in "West Side Story." I'll bring the knives and you guys do the snap fighting.
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Teacher: So you got the English - and you got the French - and BOOM! Faceplant sand!
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Teacher: In the past it was like, "Hey, farmer guy! Bring your gun - you're gonna need it - and grab your knife from your steak set. We're gonna duct tape that bad boy onto your gun and that's your weapon."
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Teacher: This is what happens when you try to play God.
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Teacher: I am sucking on a mint today, so if I reach up to my throat, I am choking to death!
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Teacher: What is molasses used for? Rum! If you say cookies, come over here. I'm right here. We will fight over molasses cookies, the worst of the cookies.
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Teacher: WRITE IT DOWN. WRITE IT DOWN AS A FACT. EVEN THOUGH IT'S PROBABLY UNTRUE.
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Teacher: Last time I was at Summerfest, a fight broke out, cops came in with billy clubs, started beating people - it was fun!
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Teacher: Lots of looks of rage - good. That's the kind of environment I want to create in here.
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Teacher: *gesturing at the face of a YouTuber ranked more famous than Gandhi* This is why terrorism exists.
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Teacher: Alright, gangsters, sit down. Let's get started.
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Teacher: I have the Declaration of Independence here, I stole it from Nicholas Cage -
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Teacher: Articles of Confederation, nope - *throws it on the floor* Here's the Constitution - *throws it on the floor*
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Teacher: As you're reading through it, first, I want you to highlight those lines that are like - hell yeah. The hell yeah lines.
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Teacher: *turns off the light, plunging the room into darkness* Oh, my god! How romantic! It got so dark in here that I lost my coffee. That was a minor tragedy there for a second. I wept one tear. Just one.
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Teacher: While typing out a test, I'm on another computer - you know, like a tech hero -
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Teacher: One British soldier got injured but they're pretty sure he was wounded by another British soldier. "Oh, bullets are flying - BANG! Take that, Travis!"
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Teacher: What do you know about German people?

Boy: They like to drink.

Teacher: Yeah, they're getting lit.
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Teacher: How many of you know your fifth cousin?

Boy: *raises hand*

Teacher: Shut up. Shut up! I hate you! I hate your stupid guts!
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Teacher: When you get married, first, you gotta make sure that your significant other has a different last name than you because you gotta make sure that family tree branches...or else you're gonna get some effed-up looking children.
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Teacher: It's like when you're talking to your grandparents and they're like, "When I went to McDonald's, I could buy a hamburger for a nickle!" and you're like, "You are so OLD!"
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Teacher: Drugs will murder you until you are dead.  
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Teacher: It's Hugh Jackman's birthday today! You probably know him from Wolverine and you better know him from "The Greatest Showman!" Damn right!

*after a short rant about "The Greatest Showman"*

Boy: Isn't that movie horribly innacurate?

Teacher: YEAH!!
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Teacher: My wife didn't know who was in ["The Greatest Showman"] and then there's that one scene with Zac Efron and she just went "HELL YEAH." My wife has a little thing for Zac Efron, even though I've told her he's, like, 5'2". We have all the same muscles - I just hide mine because I'm modest.
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Teacher: Oh, yeah, we got good hand lotion today. "Sparkleberry Bliss."
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Teacher: *Chromebook falls* Now, I'm no tech expert (or techspert as you might say) but I know that's not good.

*several minutes later*

Teacher: So the role of the presidency *Chromebook falls* I SWEAR TO GOD
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Teacher: A student burned an effigy of me once. It was disturbing. My head was a balloon. 'Cause I had always said that was a dream of mine, to have a test and then have a rally of students burn an effigy of me. But when I watched the video of it, it was disturbing. My head exploded.
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Teacher: And who was Bush's vice president? Dick Cheney.

Boy: Isn't that an actor?

Teacher: No. He shot his friend in the face once, so there's that.

Boy: He is an actor!

Teacher: No, he's not!

Boy: I found him on IMDB!

Teacher: Just because you found someone on IMDB named Dick Cheney doesn't mean he's DICK CHENEY!
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Teacher: Well, we don't like what they're saying. We're anti-what-they're-saying.
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Teacher: Crazy Joe Biden. I love me some Joe Biden 'cause he's crazy!
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Teacher: When you go to the game tomorrow and watch [the team] win game six and game seven - yep, they're gonna win, shut your face, I will hit you with a shoe -
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Teacher: Back then, if I shot at [Girl 1], I might hit [Girl 2]. Which I would also be okay with.
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Teacher: *talking about Zac Efron in "High School Musical"* He's a twerpy little kid in those movies. But now he's ZAC EFRON - he's a grown-ass man!
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Teacher: Usually, with duels, they just had to show up and that was enough. They'd get there, they'd be like, "Yeah, we're men." They'd shoot their guns in the air and be like, "Look at us. We're men. We did it." It's one of the stupid things men do.
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Teacher: It was the one moment in Chicago history when it was actually relevant.