Story Reviews For The Reviewless (On Hold)

you don't exactly belong here Review

Author of the story is johnlocked_in

you don't exactly belong here, or YDEBH as I'm gonna call it is a fanfiction taking place within the Voltron universe. The writing is going to be that the MC(?) is going to write in his journal about his daily life and the struggles that  come with it. YDEBH doesn't do a bad job at making the story sound like a journal entry, and only seems to suffer from over use of periods. In fact, the journal entry writing is so similar to actual journal entries I've seen that I was unsure whether or not the story was actually a journal entry and I had gotten the wrong story. There seems to be a possible future plot line that will happen later on in the story. I believe the story could be an interesting read and think you should look at it for yourself and see if it strikes your fancy.

This segment is mainly for the author to read but feel free to look at it if you want, maybe what I have to say will entice you to look more into the story.

Ch. 1? : I'm not completely sure if this is chapter one but that's not necessarily a complaint. It's just kinda confusing what to call it really. So far you seem to have very awkward sentencing, putting periods where they shouldn't really be. I suggest cutting down on some, try reading them out loud and if the sentence sounds right without the period separating them, than get rid of it. Also try using commas instead on some parts, they could help. I think you forgot something after you talked about the gas stations, you said "the gas stations he stops at changing" what are those gas stations changing? A decent start and it seems like Keith is going through some stuff at the moment, I wonder what that could be.

Ch. 2? : Honestly I got confused at the start since the first chapter had a third person view point as the ever omnipotent being told the reader what was going on. But in this chapter it's Lance himself talking and there seems to be no real indicator of the transition between the two. Causing a sort of mind fuck, at least to me. I thought you were suddenly turning the story into a journal thing and I had got the wrong story. I don't know if you want to, but a transition line sort of like saying how Lance is putting down the journal to write or something that says that these are Lance's thoughts before it flat out states it a couple paragraphs in may help ease future confusion. Besides that I see what you're going for, a journal this is my life type thing and you didn't do a bad job at making it sound like a journal. Though I am unsure if the character is less the canon character (Isn't Lance the serious edge boi of the group? or is that Keith?) and more a separate entity. Which isn't bad, it could really work in your favor if you decided to make this not a fanfiction later on and your own piece of fiction with your own characters. I suggest trying to make it more obvious that it's the character talking at the start, and look through the story and fix any of the weird period placements. Lastly, there is no mention of the wandering chapter, since I'm unsure if it's a prologue or not, you may want to add some time skips or something to cue when the events take place, a simple fix would be to add the full date in them. It's subtle and tells that the wandering chapter is either happening later on or before the Lance's life chapter.