The devil has bangs

The Devil Has Demons

After my third subject I started getting panic attacks. I even almost blacked out from the stress during one of them. I can't have that shit happening so I knew it was time to go back. Just to keep them under control. I found a nice lady named.. well lets just call her therapist number 3. Today my name is Julie. Shes not certified and is providing sessions from her home part time for cheap. Which also means she won't require my real information which is what I was looking for. I've never been picky when it comes to therapists. I'm cooperative. As long as they are here to do their job, it's nice being listened to.

I walk up to her beige apartment door with her business framed on the front. Well at least she takes her job seriously. I wasn't even expecting this much.

"Hi!" the door whooshes open before I finish reading the small print. I jump.

"Julie right?"

That was quick. I don't think I even knocked yet. 

"Well you're just on time, come on in"she opens the door wider waiting patiently

" h..hi" I whisper as I step in and try to smile.

My throat is dry and trying to remember words. I realize I haven't talked to anyone in a while. Which is the other reason I needed a therapist. As these will be the only real conversations I'll be having from now on. I wonder if she'll let me laugh with her. I could use that.

"Sorry for the mess" she picks up two books off the coffee table revealing a spotless and organized atmosphere of green plants and glass furniture. She's as "messy" as me.

I notice the comfiest little blue couch I've ever seen as she leads me to her office. Before she can seat me, I plop in excitement. I wish I had furniture at my place like this, but if I got one I'd have to take it everywhere I move.

"Haha good, lets not waste any time"She sits in her leather rolling chair and I straighten up, slightly.

"Glad you like my couch. It's important to feel comfortable physically and emotionally while talking, don't you think?"

Perks of paying out of pocket I suppose

" Yeah, I've never been this comfortable in a session I have to admit"

"Before I take credit, how do you mean?"

Damn we're jumping right into this

"Oh I just mean the seats were usually plastic. I haven't been to a session since high school. So you know"

"So whats brought you back here?"

"I've come to develop calming techniques for work anxiety"

I say formally

" And what is it about your job that causes you so much anxiety?"

She jots down my answers behind a clip board as if I'm filling out a form

"My job is pretty dangerous.. and recently I suffered a severe anxiety attack"

"Can you tell me what happened right before the attack"

I fight my frustration and try to respond

"Yes,"

But my head already starts spinning

"I am usually confident in my job"

I become heavy

"but one night I was tackling a bigger guy than usual" I breathe

"And I wasn't able to reach my weapon and I was just very lucky that night. but it was the first time I realized that I could die doing this. and that would be the worst thing imaginable"

"Hmm so why do you do this job?"

I stiffen and put my mask back on

"Someone has to"

"But why do you do it"

I start to tear up

It helps me

"It helps"

It helps me

FROM GOING CRAZY!!!!!

"Just because.. I don't want to die"

"But you made it sound like there was a reason specifically you don't want to die This way"

"It would be painfully ironic I suppose. Because of the reason I do this job.."

"Can you.." Explain

"My sister. She was murdered. That's what inspired me to join this field"

"To protect others? Because you blame yourself?"
"Oh most certainly" I mutter through the tears staring at the grey oval carpet.

"And if I died in this position...its ridiculous"

"It's not" she said gentle,touching my leg, getting close. She needs to work on her technique.

"It'll be like I've let her die allover again. But if I stop doing this, it'll feel like shes really dead to. I can't live with out.."

I can't talk and choke on tears.

She hands me a tissue from beside her

"Well maybe there are other ways you can keep her alive"

"What the fuck?"

Shit I didn't mean to say that out loud.

"As in keeping old traditions alive or doing something for others that she used to love" she stiffens up trying to focus

" I don't know. I don't.. maybe"

"Would you say you enjoy this more than other jobs you've had?"

"Well I do have another job right now I really like. It's just free lancing. I work from home making wigs for clients. I don't have to interact with anyone and it pays the bills and I can work from anywhere no matter where I move"

"That's why you don't like to socialize?"

"I socialize enough at work but that's also why I came here so I can have normal real conversations with someone other than that and help me stay out of my head"

"I'm not here to be your friend. I'm here to help you. And you know its dangerous to.."

"No, I have my reasons but I don't want to get into that. I might even just get a punching bag to keep at my place or rent one so I don't have to go to the gym"

"Well I would advise against that." She's serious?
"look I have a lot on my mind to think about and I cant risk having my thoughts get interrupted by daily nonsense or drama or anything"

Maybe I'm revealing too much..

She puts down her clip board and looks at me.

"Fine, we'll focus on that later but for now lets say, it's important that you go out and be around others even if you aren't socializing because you will end up trapped in your head if you completely isolate yourself. It will make you anxiety impossible to manage if you get stuck in there. So please do not stop. You can even try going out to buy your supplies for your day hobby, get coffee in the mornings, things like that"

I don't respond

"So is that why you shaved your head?You don't want to be approachable?"

"That's exactly it. but I'm allowed to do what I want with my hair" I warn her. But it doesn't work.

"Of course. But I see it as another form of isolating yourself. Your jobs, your habits, your emotions.You say its all for your sister, but have you ever wondered, if she would want this for you?"