The devil has bangs

The Devil has Fung Shui

I've always held others accountable for their crimes. It's time I hold myself accountable. But not until I do one last thing. 

I sit down on the bench outside our old apartment building where we took the bus every day. Why did I want to turn myself in here? Maybe because I wish I could go back. Stop it all. Gotten help in time. Never have left in the first place. Maybe if I breathe the same air and walk the same streets I can feel at home one last time. Feel like myself again.. and maybe even forgive myself..

It's only been 6 months since Athenas passed and though that feels like a life time ago.. nothing has changed. It almost makes me angry. I go into the coffee shop of my last meltdown. Same wiry chairs that did not comfort me in my time of need. At the bar I recognize some of the usual locals and one of the original servers.  Our apartment door still has the same lock on it. This key is the only thing I kept from my old life. Opening this door could be opening pandoras box. But it was my last stop. I knock before letting myself in completely seeing if anybody was home but I didn't need to look around to know that someone new had already moved in and moved on like everyone else. 

The place smelled like herbs. Fung shui furniture arrangements and the word zen written on gold walls surrounded by lots of greenery. Uggh. It looks nothing like our old place. Did I miss a door or something? I try to zone out and blur the surroundings into old memories but the colors are too strong. Smacking over the Buddha statue before storming out. No amount of karma could outrun me anyways. 

****

Outside of the ice cream shop hung the sign out of business. Okay maybe I was wrong about karma. Wtf? This was our favorite hideout. I just wanted to say goodbye but I'm running out of places now.

Claire told me that there was a better way to honor my sister. One last thing I could do for her before I go. I thought I had already done that but that was for me.  Now I know the difference.. If it was for her I could have donated money to fashion classes for kids. Or volunteered at a squirrel rescue center. Doubt thats a thing but she'd probably find it.. When did I get this soft? It was getting dark and every minute closer I get to turning myself in made me more nauseous. I've really let myself go. 

Even though I hate it, that apartment was the first place we called home. Might as well say goodbye there. Stepping up at the door, I hope it magically returns back to our old place but instead it reveals something else..

My heart stops as there a man with a neck brace stood reading his mail. 

I clear my throat "Oh I'm sorry. We have just been alerted of a gas leak and are asking everyone to leave the building until we get the issue resolved" 

He quickly turns around and I suddenly feel like something is wrong. We both do..

"Do I know you?" We echo each others response. Our heart beat follows.. when we realize. 

"No" I think out loud. No. 

I. I. Killed him..

"What are you doing here?" He looks for a way out but I am slowly cornering him. Studying his face. Like I'm seeing someone back from the dead. Which is what I thought. 

"They said you were found.. unconscience.."

"I was."

"And and this place. Why are you here?"

"Why are you here?"