The Thorns of a Rose

chapter three

✧ small warning ✧

my stomach is slowly showing.
my body is being taken over.
it belongs to it now.

mom doesn't talk much.
she goes to work early.
comes back late at night.

she's been quiet since
my father left without
a goodbye.

he couldn't look at me.
his eyes were blank.
the love was too lost.

"how could you live
with yourself, sharing
that baby with him."

he cried every night the
same words like a lullaby
soothing a broken heart.

it doesn't make sense.
there is no way to explain.
i don't understand either.

but i made my decision.
i will carry on full term.
i'll put it up for adoption.

no longer mine.
no heavy burden.
no lingering guilt.

it can be someone else's,
who doesn't have options.
it will know only true love.

maybe dad will come back.
be a happy family again.
a normal and happy family.

my fingertips graze my stomach.
it hasn't done anything for me.
sometimes i feel its heartbeat.

a little fast paced heartbeat.
a soft song strumming away.
a sad gentle song just for me.

i can't give it what it wants.
i can't care for it enough.
i can't love it in that way.

like a mother.
i am anything,
but a mother.

it shares a part of me.
it feels wrong to let go.
it makes me think of life.

it keeps the pain alive.
it reminds me to stay.
it helps me hold on.

days are very slow.
minutes are like hours.
sleep is my only friend.

my mind drifts easily.
but i dread the future.
it will be unbearable.

school starts in two weeks.
i will have to share my story.
i will have to speak.

but how?
how do i tell people?
how do i tell my friends?

i am scared.
ashamed.
tainted.

my own family judges.
i am already labeled.
i am already hated.

it comes to my head.
"this wasn't my choice,
but it's my fault."

"i was hurt and violated
and now pregnant."

"i can't bring myself to
have an abortion. "

do i tell everyone that
the girl they once knew
is long gone?

do i tell everyone that
my soul has been taken
away?

do i tell everyone that i
am no longer alive but a
vessel?