The Thorns of a Rose

chapter sixteen

rose sleeps
in the nursery.
silently content.

i lay in my gown,
pumping milk from
my swollen breasts.

i refuse to hold her.
can't stand to feel
the warmth of her skin.

afraid that i would get
too attached if i do.
broken promises.

the couple have arrived.
drove two hours here.
recklessly with tears.

they fell in love.
instantly.
naturally.

she too fell in love.
with their soft voices.
distant but familiar.

rose is six pounds.
she is so little.
she is so fragile.

mother says she is precious.
mother says she is good.
mother says she is happy.

the doctor says stress brought
her six weeks early.
it will take time to recover.
we will both be okay.

the couple come in.
the couple meet me.
the couple meet her.

i watch them smile at her
for the first time.

i watch them hold her
for the first time.

i watch them love
her for the first time.

for a moment, i finally see her.
for a moment, i see me in her.
for a moment, i feel for her.

she looks like him.
she has his blue eyes.
she has his dark hair.

i think for a second i could get past it.
that i made a mistake.
that i could be her mom.

but, i'm reminded of what he did.
i'm reminded of the pain he has inflicted.
i'm reminded of the damage he has caused.

i will spend the rest of my life
trying to fix what he has done.
and now i know for sure,

i will never love her.