the diary // jensoo

spill your guts for love (27)

jisoo.

"wait!" i ran to lisa and pulled her arm towards me. "please, don't," i begged as fat tears streamed down my eyes.

lisa looked at me, her shoulder tensed and i could sense her frustration radiating out of her body.

"it's not okay!" her voice raised into a tone that i've never heard her use. "what she said and did to you is not okay!"

my heart broke some more when jennie's voice echoed inside my head. i felt as if every limb in my body had gotten numb and i think the mere fact that i'm able to stand is a miracle.

do you know the feeling of being disappointed, sad and angry at the same time? what i'm feeling is like that — your heart clutches in the most painful way possible and it hurts so much but you can't do anything to ease the pain. it's something like that but add the feeling of hopelessness and lost.

i pulled lisa harder but she didn't budge. in fact the harder i try to stop her, the more confident she is to get to jennie.

"jennie didn't mean that," i muttered softly.

i wanted to believe that too. every inch of me wanted to believe that.

lisa viciously pulled my hands off her. she looked at me with anger-filled eyes and said, "if that's the case then you'll let me talk to her!"

"lisa, let's stop this."

"no," she stubbornly replied. "i thought jennie a lot of things but i never once told her to break the heart of the woman i love!"

i felt my heart drop down to my stomach. my neck felt cold and the tears stopped for falling due to the shock.

"so, please," lisa muttered, gently squeezing my hand. "let me do this. this is the last thing i can do for you — just let me. . ."

i removed lisa's hand from mine. my eyes stared at her's and i felt guilt and sadness.

this night was just too much to possibly handle. i'm starting to feel my body enter a state of delusion and i'm losing touch of my sense of hearing because i can see lisa speaking but i couldn't process a word she's saying as if my ears blocked off every sound possible.

i see lisa took a step closer to me. i wanted to tell her i'm sorry, but my body wouldn't move the way i wanted it to.

lisa spoke and finally the deafening silence broke and i could finally hear what she's saying.

"i loved you first. . . did you know that?" lisa chuckled darkly, the pain laced on her voice was so noticeable it hurts. "i'm sorry for what i did to you in the past, but i just want you to know that before jennie had even laid her eyes on you, i already had. even before she said her first i love you to you, i already knew to myself that i do."

lisa sadly smiled at me, tears were forming in her eyes and i couldn't help myself but hurt too.

"but what can i possibly do, jisoo?" she asked. "you were all ready in love with jennie even before you admit it to yourself. i can't win a losing battle, jisoo."

"jennie promised to never hurt you," lisa said. "do you know that it hurts me more to see you in pain? do you know that my heart shatters whenever you're sad? of course, you wouldn't know because you're always looking at jennie."

"it's always jennie. it's always her but never me. even if she hurts you a thousand times i know you'll still come back to her," lisa muttered, in deep pain.

lisa is crying now. this is the first time i've ever seen her cry and it hurts just as much as when i saw jennie in the condition she was in.

"remember that time when i went to your house and glamoured you up?" she asked and i nodded weakly. "i was praying you'd notice the way i was looking at you. you looked so beautiful that night so i took a picture of you — i just couldn't help myself. i-i'm sorry for feeling this way, jisoo." she sobbed and wiped away her tears. "i c-can't help it. i can't stop it. my heart beats so fast whenever you're around and it's so pathetic."

"i'm sorry."

"i'm so sorry, jisoo."

lisa apologized like a broken record. and i couldn't do anything but try and process everything that she was saying.

my mouth open as if wanting to say something, but i closed them without saying anything. i'm beyond speechless.

lisa took a deep breath and shook her head. "i'm going to talk to jennie now," her voice shook a little bit.

she turned around and started to walk away. i wanted to stop her again, but i couldn't muster any strength to move at all. my heart painfully clutched inside my chest and i felt the heaviness of the whole world came crushing down for the second time today.

i hurt for lisa, but i'm hurting more for rosé.