the diary // jensoo

i've been drafted into your war (28)

lisa.

i felt heavy force pulling me down as i struggle to walk to jennie's house. i forced myself to contend with the unbearable weight of dread and regret. looks like i've messed up a lot and from the perspective i'm having right now, it seems as if it's impossible to make things right again.

and i hurt just thinking about the possible consequences of my stupid decision.

i shouldn't have said that to jisoo. but the feeling of wanting to be known and heard proved to be much stronger. i let my feelings control me and look what it had done.

my head looked back to check if jisoo was still there. i felt no shock when i saw that she's no longer in the vicinity.

i reached jennie's front door. it seems that every drop of confidence aborted my body because i couldn't muster any strength to enter the keys jennie gave me every since we were kids.

i smiled bitterly at the thought. jennie, rosé and i have been friends since childhood and it feels like i just threw away years of precious innocence and friendship. i dread myself. i dread myself so much.

just as i was to enter the keys, the door to jennie's house opens. i see jennie standing in front of me, she stared at me with a black stare and the painful clutch of my heart made me wince on the inside, but just like her i remained static — not showing any signs of emotions.

but as i stare longer at her, my angers earlier slowly dispersed and i'm starting to feel my heart soften. after all, she is still the jennie kim that played with me when no one else would, she's still jennie kim who was my best friend of many years, she's still the little girl who accompanied me in the innocent and care free years of my youth.

"come inside, lisa," jennie broke the silence.

i nodded and followed her inside the house. i sat on her sofa and i watched her as she also sat down in her usual spot in the living room.

looking at jennie right now, every cell inside of me had finally calmed down. i couldn't muster any energy to still be mad at her after looking at her tired and pain written face. i instantly knew that jennie didn't meant what she said to jisoo, not even a single word. i couldn't see any emotions on her face other than the hurt -- a lot of hurt.

"why, jennie?" was the only thing i could muster.

two words, but she seemed to understand what i fully meant. she glanced at me with crestfallen eyes before gluing her gaze back at the ground. "i'm horrible, lisa." she weakly muttered.

"i don't understand," i replied just as weakly as her. "this is not you. the jennie i know would never try to hurt the people she loves."

she felt silent after that and i did too. the still silence danced inside the heavy living room, i heard every tick of our watches and i couldn't help but think how terrible this day had gotten.

my eyes were stuck to jennie, but she couldn't look at me back. i want to scream at her, to ask her what's bothering her, but i felt exhausted. my body wouldn't move the way i want it to and i doubt that my voice would even go a note higher.

i want this night to be over soon.

but i know that i have to know first what's happening with my best friend.

"you can tell me everything," i cooed.

"i know," she replied.

"then why are you not telling me anything?"

she didn't reply instantly after that. jennie fell silent again and i could hear every unison ticks of our watches. after letting a few seconds pass us, she finally spoke.

"do you really want to know?"

my head nodded without any hesitation.

finally, jennie's eyes met mine. those orbs that once looked as if stars lived inside of them, those orbs that once was filled with genuine joy, now filled with nothingness at all. i could feel my insides burning with anticipation.

she took a deep breath, "my father and i got into this huge fight," she started off.

when i heard the word 'father', i already knew that it was going to be ugly. so, i mentally prepared my heart for the worst possible outcome of her story.

"he founded out that i was dating jisoo. a friend of his saw us and she told him," there was bitterness in the way she spoke. you could hear it clearly. "my father is homophobic."

i already know where this is going.

i sat there, listening to her, i could feel my guts twisting in the most sickening mannner before finally dropping to the pit of stomach. it's as if i could feel her pain just as my own.

"the moment he knew that i was dating a girl, he wanted nothing else but for us to break up," jennie said. "but i didn't listen. i couldn't leave jisoo, i love her too much. . . but then he threatened me. . . saying that he will ruin my life or possibly jisoo's life too if i don't listen to him."

of course jennie didn't listen to her father. she's stubborn in all the ways you could imagine.

"at first i didn't want to believe him. so, i disobeyed his order and that got him even angrier. he doesn't let me use my car anymore, i can't use my card and i barely have any allowance," jennie said. "but all those little things didn't bother me so i continued dating jisoo. then one day, he snaps."

i unconsciously gulped, my throat had went so dry that i could clearly feel the lump of saliva go down my throat.

i know mr. kim very well. he's a man who's true to his words and when he say something, you can bet he'll do it.

"what did he do?" i asked, worried.

"i'm moving out of this country next week, lisa," jennie muttered, brokenness laced thickly in her voice. i could feel her attempt to trying to hold back the tears that just wants to be pour.

"i'm forced to leave you, rosé and jisoo. how can i okay?" she muttered and finally her walls came crumbling down with a single sob, fat tears came pouring down her eyes.

and i couldn't help but break the same way as her.