I wanna feel love

I wanna feel love: Part 3

A creak on the floor echoed throughout the house but there was no sign that anyone had heard anything. The dark haired man had sneaked out of the room, out of the flat and out of the building with remarkable skill. A skill he didn't know he possessed but took full advantage of, every time he paid a late-night visit at that flat.

He paused at the doorstep, took out his cigarettes and put one of them on his lips sucking hungrily at it, the moment he lit it up. He hurriedly descended the stairs with a mirthless look on his face and began running as fast as he could, without looking back. He didn't stop until he was out of breath.

He was supposed to feel joyful and happy, he had an orgasm fifteen minutes ago. Sexual activity is known to influence the physiological production of endorphins in the brain that also elevate the person's mood. He knew that. Instead, he was overwhelmed by deep sorrow. He was feeling sorry for himself, regretful for not being able to keep his promise and angry at the same time.

He sighed loudly and lifted his head towards the sky. The clouds were dark and hanging low above him, full of water ready to be poured down on him. He let the freezing rain fall on his face, secretly wishing his sorrow and his pain to be washed away by it. He didn't care about ruining his hair, his makeup or his fashionable clothes. Tears and raindrops had already become one, on his pretty face.

Earlier that day he had allowed his bad temper to take over him, once more. Most importantly, he had raised his voice in anger on his closest friends, once more. He felt sorry about that, too. His friends were the most important people in his life. He had put them in a very inconvenient state, all three of them.

'This isn't right' he thought. 'I can't keep acting like an arse to them'     

His feet guided him at the bar he was spending his alone-nights-out, for the second time that day. He hesitated for some time before entering. Did he really want to go there again? What for?

'Then why did you come all the way here, again, if you don't wanna enter, you fool?' he asked himself. He smirked scornfully at his own words and turned away.

Earlier that night

When he slammed the door close and left his house some hours earlier, he knew he would end up in this fucking bar. He may have wandered aimlessly for some time, through the nearly empty streets but he ended up there. Fluffy was still in his hands when he ordered his first beer. He had chosen to sit in one of the most remote tables, buried in his thoughts.

'I push away those who care about me.. Rog, Brian..Mary..even John..I can't recognize myself anymore' he thought. 'I fight with my parents because they just wanna check if I'm alright. I apologized to Brian for being an arse and only an hour later I fight with Rog..I'm gonna end up alone...'

'You won't end up alone' an inner voice told him. 'You know what you have to do. Your friends love you and they'll support you.'

"Will they?" he asked himself, looking at Fluffy. "How am I gonna say it to them?" he asked again. 'Mary is gonna hate me.. I know she loves me, right now, but after I tell her.. she will be disgusted.' 

Mary loved him and she kept telling him that every time they saw each other. They were together for more than 3 years. She loved taking care of him, she was infatuated by him and she craved for him to say the same things back to her.

Only he couldn't.

He ordered another beer and let his mind wander some months ago when he realized he had no actual future with her.

It was April '73, the band had just finished their gig at Chelsea College, the place where John studied electronics. They did wonderful that day! By then, all four members of Queen had gotten to know each other pretty well, they had become friends and their chemistry on stage was excellent. The audience was excited with them and Freddie was the absolute star of the night! It wasn't unknown for them to end up at a nearby pub to celebrate their amazing performance, along with a couple of John's friends and Mary, of course.