Perks Of Being A Fangirl (5SOS)

Chapter 37

:) I love you lol

----------------------------------

I sat on Ashton's bed across from him with my arms crossed as I stared at his brick wall behind him in silence. I was waiting for Ashton to say something but nothing was coming out of his mouth. I was sure as hell nothing would be coming out of mine first.

Finally after a few minutes of silence, Ashton actually spoke up. "What hurt you the most?"

"The lying part. I may be a horrible person, but I hate lying. The worst lie I've told was telling my grandma that I loved the sweater she made me," I explained, uncrossing my arms and twiddled my thumbs.

"Lottie, I know lying to you was one of the worst possible things I could do, it was my job. I didn't expect to fall for you like this. Love works in some pretty weird ways," Ashton said looking into my eyes, smirking just slightly at the last sentence.

"I guess it does," I understand that part. I really do.

"Lottie, hurting you wasn't my intentions. Please understand that." Ash grabbed my hand and lightly kissed the top, then held it warmly with both hands.

But I pulled my hand away.

"Ashton, I can't," I groaned. "I know it wasn't intentional but you guys still did it. You all should have known it would go to shit when you found out we were fans!"

"How were we supposed to know in the first place? That was planned four months before you girls came!" Ash argued.

"Four months? That's a long while. So you knew this plan before you even met me?"

"Yes, but as soon as I met you I knew it wasn't going to be easy. You being a fan of ours was kinda a plus," Ashton admitted.

I didn't know what to say at this point. I blurted, "I had to fall in love with you twice."

"Twice?"

"Twice." I confirmed. "When I found your band, I fell in love with those boys in the screen. I knew this band would either make or break me. Then I met you guys and I fell in love with the actual you. The real Ashton Irwin."

"Falling in love isn't fun," Ashton sighed.

"It isn't," I agreed.

"I love you so much, Lottie. I do," He sighed, grabbing my hand once again.

"Stop Ash, I'm mad at you," I groaned, pulling my hand from his grasp.

"You aren't as mad as you were," Ash smirked slightly. I squinted my eyes at him.

"Why would you think that?" I asked confusingly.

"Well, you just called me Ash, and from what I learned from this past year is you rarely call me Ashton if you're not mad at me," He smiled just a little bit more than the last time he spoke.

"Ash--," I began, "--ton. You better not get cheeky with me or I'm going to hit you."

"No you're not," He cackled, kissing my hand. "I know I made a mistake, but I cannot change it. But know this; I would go back and prevent this in a heartbeat. All of us would."

"Okay," I said.

"Okay? As in, we're okay?" He asked, hope filling his deep hazel eyes.

"I have no idea, but possibly," I said, trying not to smile at his beautiful face.

He pretty much leaped up from where he sat and tackled me in a hug. I fell back on the bed from the impact as he wrapped his arms around me.

He repeatedly kissed my cheek and moved down to where my head and neck connected. I sighed.

"Ashton, just because I forgave you doesn't mean I think we should get back together," I said with my eyes squeezed shut.

He stopped right where he was and sat up. He frowned, looking confused. "What?"

"Ashton, don't do this to me. I'm leaving tomorrow, and I just need a break and you have the tour with One Direction coming up soon. It's for the best right now," I explained, closing my eyes again. I couldn't see his face. I couldn't.

"Lottie, open your eyes," Ash said, gripping my elbow.

"Maybe later," I answered. He sighed.

"I somewhat understand, but I can't just be a friend to you. I just can't," He confessed putting a hand on my shoulder. I opened my eyes to Ashton, who was looking down at his lap.

"Figure out a way because I can't be with you and you can't be with me. Maybe when your tour ends we can try again. Maybe," I said to him. All Ash did was nod, which made me feel very guilty. I was doing this for the best. We both need this. Maybe Ashton will find a girl while on tour who deserves him. "I'm going to talk to the other guys."

I walked into their guest room where Calum, Mikey and Luke were, half-asleep.

"Life is too short to hold grudges, am I right ladies?" I jokingly said, smirking a bit. Calum was the only one who really heard; my words kinda just went in one ear and out the other for Michael and Luke. He untangled himself from his blankets.

"Oh thank God," He groggily got up and picked me up in a hug. "Thank you, Lottie. I'm so sorry."

"I'll be okay, but I made a decision," I confessed. At that point Calum put me down and I kicked Mikey and Luke in their sides and hugged them both.

"I don't think we should talk anymore," I said. They just looked at me like I had four eyes.

"But I thought you forgave us?" Michael looked more frustrated than flustered like the other two.

"You didn't even let me finish," I silenced him before he could say anything else. "I think it's best if we don't talk for a while, like, y'know, taking a break."

"A break?" Michael laughed like he couldn't believe what he was hearing. "That makes no sense whatsoever."

"You guys need to focus on that tour, not being friends with me. I'm not saying to totally ignore me I just think it is best for all of us," I explained. Michael sighed.

"Okay. But you forgave us?" Calum answered. I smiled slightly.

"Do I have a reason not to? I mean, yeah you fucked up very bad and I'll always be mad, but I think that that wasn't your intentions. I want to leave on a good note," I truthfully said.

"So does this mean no more talking to each other?" Luke asked with annoyance in his blue eyes. "That is kinda stupid."

"I forgive you guys. We need to get away from each other. You need to focus. Go find some girls why don't you. Forget we exist for awhile. Forever, maybe." I cut down my sentences to make them more understandable.

"We aren't going to forget you, that's, that's fucking crazy, Lottie. Friends don't just ditch each other like that," Luke said, crossing his arms. I rolled my eyes at him.

"You aren't ditching me! I'm leaving and so are you. Might as well cut to the chase and say that you all will forget us," I said.

Calum finally cut in, snapping. "Don't say that! Friends don't just forget each other. Why are you being so stubborn about this?"

There is that word again. Stubborn. Why do I have to be so stubborn and ruin things?

"Don't forget us. But please, you guys need to focus okay? Promise me you will," I held out my pinky for that classic pinky promise.

"I promise," Calum locked his pinky with mine. I held mine in front of Mikey.

"I promise," He said sqeezing my pinky with his. My pinky was then waiting for Luke in wrap his own around mine. He hesitated, looking me sadly in the eyes.

"We promise."