Father? (Frerard)

Three - doubt

About five months into Gerard living with Toni I started to realize I wasn't really that happy. I was jealous of what he had. He had the perfect job, at least my in my eyes it was perfect. It might have been boring too sometimes but at least it was about what he liked – art. He might be just a teacher, but he could influence so many people, he could help develop someone's future and if some of them became famous they would probably mention his name, either in a good or a bad way, thus making his also famous.

I'm not saying that being famous is something to be desired, heck famous people probably have the hardest life of all, because not even being famous can bring you that much money to overcome the fact that your secrets aren't just yours anymore. You have to hide from paparazzi and you work all the time, and then you can become overrated and no one might want to see you anymore, so what do you do? You become a normal human, working a boring job hoping for one last gig before it swallows you like us normal boring non-famous people.

But hearing someone mention your name is something that greatly affects your ego. Being praised is something to be desired. Just think off all the good doggo boys out there that love to be praised for sitting down when they want food and other – for us – silly things. Oh, what I would give for my boss to just once say 'Look at Frank, just look at him, how great he was this week. Learn something from him, people.' Now, that would feel fucking great.

I also admired Gerard for being so open about everything, but I guessed that just came with his artistic nature. He was open about his feelings about his unpopular opinions and he was open about his sexuality. It came as a surprise at first but I quickly realized he had that queer vibe about him ever since. Not that queer people have a queer aura that just screams it or anything, but some people are just like that, you can pinpoint them in a crowd if you look hard enough, and that was Gerard.

"Yeah, she really did, I wouldn't believe her, so she took me to a computer and showed me the videos. I didn't watch but I saw the thumbnails and I believed her. It was very funny and since then I wasn't as awkward around her, because I knew she didn't feel ashamed." Gerard was telling me about that model that was undressing for his students.

She was an actress in adult movies and Gerard didn't know that. He felt weird when she came up to him one day, asking when she should come next, but she wasn't wearing anything and he felt uncomfortable talking to her like that. She noticed his antics and explained she didn't realize she was still naked, because at work no one cared. She then revealed she was an actress and when Gerard didn't believe it at first she had quite a few videos as a proof. Gerard only felt uneasy because he thought she might feel offended by him looking at her naked body, but then he realized it came as a second nature to her, just being naked, and so he learned to be okay with it too.

"She is pretty, but I don't know, I've had enough of women's naked bodies. Why can't we invite a guy for once? I mean, there's nothing wrong with drawing a nice cock." he laughed. I was caught off guard. At first, I thought he meant it in an artistic way, but the more he talked the more I was realizing he wasn't just an artist, he was bisexual.

"Well, that I can't relate to." I shrugged and laughed, quite awkwardly in my opinion. He looked at me with this weird look and I never found out what that was about, but maybe he also caught on way before I did, just like my wife.

"I thought you did photography?" he asked, obviously thinking I was more than an amateur dad photographer.

"I did, but never like that. I never got to do these super artistic pictures." I shrugged, feeling down all over again. He was bringing out my love for art more and more and it made me miserable. I didn't regret my life choices, or did I?

"But at least you didn't experience the bad things, on the other hand. I was called a perv countless times, when I asked some models to let the scarf a little lower or when I barely touched them to show something to my students." Gerard shrugged and I smiled because it was absurdly funny. He smiled back at me and I swear I could basically feel our connection grow. It felt good having a friend that I could talk to. About photography, about music, about everything that my colleagues didn't understand or found worthless.

It was none of my business to be asking him that sort of questions, but it seemed like our conversation for that night was coming to an end and I didn't want to let go just yet. I liked these moments with him because he understood and I could relate to him in many ways. He was basically what I wanted to be. Happy, artistic, free and surrounded by other people like him. I was living his life with him. And so I wanted to continue in the most dangerous way because even though I wasn't sure he did drop quite huge hints.

"Does Toni know?" I asked not looking directly at him. He frowned not knowing what I was talking about so I lit a cigarette so I could have something to hold onto in case I was wrong. "That you are bisexual?" I took the risk and waited for the response. I didn't know what I was hoping for, him telling me I had it all wrong or telling me I was right.

"Oh, she knows." He laughed. I didn't dare look at him, I felt like an intruder, asking the most personal questions. "But how do you know?" He smiled at me and I had to look at him. He knew I pieced it together, hell the clues in his words were like an albino in an African village. It was a challenge and maybe even a test on how I would react, and judging by his smile I had passed.

I didn't know how to respond, he knew and I knew so I just shrugged. Thinking that that was it, I got what I wanted and the conversation was over, that I would finish my cigarette and go to sleep, I relaxed in my chair but Gerard once again caught me off guard when he did the gayest thing he could have done in that moment. He may have done it on purpose, to make me squirm or maybe his true nature was finally showing now that I knew him a lot better, but what he did, left me sleepless. He softly slid his slender fingers over my arm to take over the cigarette I was holding. Goosebumps appeared on my arms and I was sure he could tell even in the dimly lit backyard because he was almost holding back his smirk. He stood up, taking a drag from my cigarette and as he was handing it back from behind me he let out the smoked by my ear as he whispered.

"Goodnight, Frank." I shuddered as he disappeared along with the smoke by my ear. I didn't know if he realized the effect he had on me or if he was just acting like himself and it was me who felt different, but good different.

I sat there for another while, just replaying what I felt, what he did and how I reacted, what I was thinking and what he said. I was confused and I didn't know what was happening to me. I felt even weirder when I was in the shower that night and touched myself after what felt like an eternity. I thought about my wife and maybe other women that I had seen in movies and I tried to get the image of Gerard from my mind, but it was hard after what had just happened in the backyard on those damned garden chairs.

I had thought about other men in the past while touching myself, but it was always just a quick memory of a movie I saw once, where they were with the women I imagined and they disappeared just as quick as they came to mind but that night, I had a very hard time pushing Gerard out of my thoughts.

When I cleaned myself, I couldn't sleep next to Jamia after my shower thoughts. I knew she couldn't read my mind but I still felt as if I had cheated by having thoughts of a man. Or maybe it was because I didn't want to be her husband for that night. Maybe I subconsciously wanted to be that man who thinks of other men in the shower, so I went to the couch and lay there repeating the imagery of Gerard blowing out smoke by my ear, of me being paralyzed by his touch and how I didn't know what exactly it was that I was feeling and then I remembered who I was.

I remembered why I knew Gerard in the first place. I realized I had a daughter whose boyfriend Gerard was and I felt dirty for having such thoughts before and then I thought I deserved to be called a perv by people like Gerard once was because a man like me, a father and a husband shouldn't have thoughts of his daughter's boyfriend. I was having a hard time breathing and I remember going to our bedroom, practically dragging myself because I knew seeing Jamia and lying next to her would remind me of who I was and I could peacefully pretend that shower never happened.